27-12-2008 - Starting Over Again

My mood while writing this blog: blank

Ok Ladies,

So I am on my second cycle after my second m/c. I dont know which was worse... the D&C where it is just over, there is no closure. Or having to watch my "little human" come out of me in peices. I have had to go through both scenarios now... and I just dont know which is worse. Brian was away this last time and on one hand I was sad to be with out him, he is my support and it is hard just getting a hair cut with out him. But on the other hand I am glad that he was not here to see me go through all of this... not going to lie... I kinda lost my mind this last time. They say you should save "it" to have testing done... I saved what I could but I never got testing... I just kinda took a few minutes to talk to "it" and say good bye I guess. Thats why went back to work so soon after... I knew that if I had waited too long that I would not have been able to get back to the real world. Brian's boat dropped him off on some island in the Bahamas and told him to fly home. He came home about 6 days after I lost the second baby. So here I am now recovered... physically and mostly emotionally. I mostly just put it out of my mind. I have kind of taken the whole Lords prayer philosophy "accept things I can not change". Am I angry, sad and horrified at the events that have taken place over the last 5 months.... Absolutely, but I can not change what happened and from what most the doctors say, I will never know why.

So the last baby was lost 8 Nov. and my first AF after that was 12 Dec. So now according to that date and my average 30 day cycle I should be ovulating tomorrow. Maybe I am crazy but I think I can actually feel myself ovulating. There is a slight tension on either sides of my lower abdomin... about an inch inward from my hip bones. I am really hoping to get pregnant really qickly like last time (D&C 14 Aug. then AF 15 Sept. and preggo right from there 8 Nov natural M/C). Hubby is home until 5 Jan. then he leaves again and comes back close to the end of the month. SO at least he is here for "peak" season. I have a doctor appointment 21 Jan which is also my 21st Birthday. I dont think anything will come of it. It seems that everytime I go to the doctor I get the run around.... I know why I am there but they never know why I am there and so we spend most of the time trying to convince the doctor what needs to happen or why I am there. I had my blood taken at my last dr appointment on 8 Dec for Lieden Factor V. I still dont know the results. I think I might call the tomorrow and see if they know yet. Though the last time I called they said they would call me.... I am impatient and dont want to wait to know!

Anyway I am feeling pretty neutral.... hubby and I are just kinda relaxing and not worrying about much these days though I know that once he leaves and we get closer to the "test date" I will go back to being my super paranoid and impatient girl. Good luck to you all and lots of baby dust!