02-1-2009 - Being Emotional

My mood while writing this blog: everything!

Ok so I go through times where I am perfectly fine and then days where everything seems to be going wrong. I really hate to do it but it seems that all of my crappy days somehow get underlyingly blammed on losing the babies... I spilled juice because I lost the babies, I cant seem to do something right because I llost the babies. I go through the days where I feel like everythign is just wrong. I try so hard to be brave and strong but then there are days wher I just melt. I want my babies back so bad! I know that it seems irrational. Just because I miscarried does not mean that I am doomed to a life of mistakes and unhappy endings but sometimes I feel so hopeless. There are times when I am happy for the pregnant people in the world but I am mostly only happy if people like "us" are pregnant. By "us" I guess I mean the women who are in my situation. It angers me to see the other women pregnant. I saw another boat wife who found out she was preggo when I first found out back in June. She has this big belly and was bragging and I just wanted to punch her. I really just wanted to punch her... how can she have what was taken from me? I just dont understand it. What did I do wrong? What did she do right? She already has a little girl... why cant people like me who dont have babies already get them. I just dont understand. I want answers to questiosn that will never have answers. There is no one who can answer my questions. I just want to go back in time and start over... why cant I start over. I want to fix this but I cant. I just want this to be a dream.... make this not be real.... I want the old me back... not this half happy half angry/sad person. This is not who I am. I want to have my normal feelings back and I fear that I will never get that back.