Write a new blog
|02-4-2009 - Not my day...
||My mood while writing this blog:|
angry/ sad/ EVERYTHING!
There really is just not a smily guy as angry as I am right now... where is the smiley with his middle finger up or the one screaming and on fire... thats kinda how I feel. So not only did my cousin think it would be funny to post a "IM PREGNANT!!!!" April fools joke but another one of my cousins posted that she is "going to be a mommy". Ok, I know that the world does not revolve around me and that people arent purposely being inconsiderate but I cant help that it still makes me angry and upset. Am I happy for Heather? No... I am not, do I wish sometihng horrible to happen to her, no I do not... I am just not happy for her and I think that is ok. I am sure a few people will post that I am just being bitter and you know what, YES I AM FUCKING BITTER! I am bitter because everyone else doesnt care, I am bitter because everyone around me has had no problems having children and yet arent married, financially stable or even wanted them in the first place, I am bitter because I have lost 3 of my children in only 7 months and I have NO ANSWERS! I just want to scream I am so angry with everything right now!
And yet I am also extreamely sad today. I find myself still wanting to talk to him but then thinking to myself, he is gone. I am not ready for it to be over yet, I am not ready for him to be gone. I never got to say good bye, I didnt even really get to say Hello. I want it back,, can we start over... please let me start over! I promise I wont get out of bed even to pee or anyhting... I promise I will eat healthy and get my rest and do everything right... I just dont want it to be over! I dont want to say good bye and I dont want him to be gone. I dont undertsand why it has to be this way. I want some answers!
A few people have recomended to name him and to keep the stuff from him and I have decided to do so. From now on he will be called David John Stewart. John for Poppop and David meaning the beloved one. I have not told Brian about this yet but I know he will like the name. Though I know he will never refer to this baby as David... I will know that he has a name and still means something to me. He was not just a "pregnancy" He was alive and had a beating heart and I still love him! I got a little box for the pictures and such and I painted it and all. It wasnt easy, it took forever to pick out the right box and it still doesnt seem to be just right but it will do.
Today has been the hardest day since March 18th when I found out he was gone. Not sure why today has been so bad it just has been. I feel like I have been crying all day. I just dont want to be brave today... I just want to remember him today....
12 Comments on Not my day...MaddoxAndAverysMama
- Friday, 22 May I lost my 1st baby March 18, 2008 and we named her Sydney :) I still have things for her on my facebook and myspace.... & it will always bother you when people do that kind of crap on April FoolsDay, they just dont know or understand... obscurette
- Tuesday, 7 Apr David is a lovely name for your little one Em. I am glad you have done that. its ok to be angry and to rant and rave! and no not everyone understands what it is like to lose a baby this way..and that can hurt more than anything else. but as the ladies here have clearly said we are all here and we understand.
take care of yourself, allow yourself these days of grief, of anger, they are part of how we heal. we will all forgive you.
- Tuesday, 7 Apr Well my dear the anger is absolutely NORMAL! Dont fight it because its part of the process. I can say that because I have lost 2 myself. Its good that you named the baby because he was your baby! They all were! I cant tell you that its easy to move on but I can tell you it will get easier to deal with over time. Hugs minkymoo78
- Friday, 3 Apr Oh hun I feel so sad your you. That is really really insensitive for your cousins to be doing that. And you go ahead and feel bitter. That's exactly how I felt after all my losses. I kept thinking why me? What have I done to deserve this? Why is everyone else around me falling pregnant without even trying. We are good people and we don't deserve heartache like this. All I can say is don't lose hope hun. Me and Rainbowrach are living proof that you can go on and have a healthy pregnancy, we both suffered 3 miscarriages and now look at us. I so hope it's you next with a sticky BFP. Cry and feel as angry as you want, get it all off your chest but don't give up hope. xxx pinkmama
- Friday, 3 Apr no one can completely understand the hurt of a loss, until they have felt loss themselves.. all of us ladies will always be here for you!!! i think you are very strong for going through all youve been through. vent all you want! we're all here to listen =o)
- Friday, 3 Apr Its completly normal for you to feel a little animosity. If anyone tells you that you are being bitter, they can go to hell. RainbowRach
- Thursday, 2 Apr I am so sorry babe. You cousins are being totally insensitive. It seems to happen all the time, ppl getting pregnant when they are not in the position to bring up a child and worse still they didnt want it in the first place. I know the feeling. It hurts, it really hurts.
I dont think you are bitter, I think your emotions are completely normal.
As for dealing with your loss, you have to do the right thing for you. Naming your baby David and keeping his things in a box helps you to get through this difficult time, then you should do it.
I didnt do anything like that. I just released a balloon for each of my babies and watched it float up to heaven. For me, this was a symbol of letting go.
Have you thought about some counselling?
Rach x x aussie-jess
- Thursday, 2 Apr Em, you have every right to be feeling this way. Please dont be hard on yourself!! You know that all of us girls are here for you and know what you are going through! nikkinu1
- Thursday, 2 Apr There is no right way to handle such things. It's so important to go through the greiving process. There's no way around it and I'm glad you are doing things to help you heal. Do whatever you need to do make yourself feel better and know that your feelings are valid and quite normal. ((Hugs)) BattleSong
- Thursday, 2 Apr You know what. David is a beautiful name. And thats the first step in the healing process. I know that i have not lost 3 children or anything. but i do know how you feel. Some days you need to just take time to cry. this was your CHILD reguardless the amount of time that David has spent on this earth. he was yours. But it does get easier. Just remember to breath.
We decided to name the baby the same name as our last child to honor our babys memory.
BUT i totally feel you on people around you getting pregnant!! Ugh nothing made me more made. after i lost my child my room mate got jealous of the attention that i didnt even want and then said she was pregnant and had a m/c with in 5 DAYS of eachother.. i am like shut up.. ugh but everyone knew she was lieing and ingored her. then my other friend got pregnant and she "couldnt handle the presure and got an abortion. then a 3RD PERSON got pregnant and decided that she had NO NEED to quit smoking pot or quit smoking period.. ggrrrr it wouldnt suprise me if she drank.. then she teared up when they thought her baby had downs..
As you can probably guess to this day i refuse to talk to all three of them..
and it was horrible timeing cause all of them did this to me with in 2 weeks after my loss. they thought if they were pregnant i would some how be happy for them.. they just dont understand..
So i do know what you are going threw and how you feel. if you ever need to talk i am here! Shellie77
- Thursday, 2 Apr I'm so sorry em. I still cry sometimes over my first. Ugh thinking about it now is making me tear up. It gets better over time, but you never forget. I thought about planting a weeping cherry on what would have been her birthday, that way I could still "watch her grow". I got a memory box from the hospital and they put her weight and size and her hospital band in the box. It was really sweet, but it still makes me cry to see it. I dont think there is anything that can help you get over it because you never do. it just takes time to feel better. It sucks that any of us have to go through this, especially multiple times. It really makes me mad that some of us just dont have definite answers. Has your doctor suggested a genetic panel at all? shawshoo
- Thursday, 2 Apr Let it all out, this is healthy for you. Typically people grieve in five stages 1)Denial 2)Anger 3)Bargaining 4)Depression 5)Acceptance.. I'd say that you've moved on the 2 and 3 now. Since you've had the D&C, you have kept yourself occupied and busy: cleaning, drinking, cooking, etc.. You haven't allowed yourself to feel this way, but it's good that you are.. Let yourself grieve, be mad, scream & cry. It's so much better than trying to keep busy. The memorial box is a fantastic idea, I'm so sorry you have to make it though.. Take care, hugs.