12-4-2009 - Screw Courage

My mood while writing this blog: still upset

So here I was all proud of myself for getting back into the world only to have it completely shattered! After going to the meeting yesterday I felt sorry for a comment I said to the FRG president so I thought I would email her and explain my reasons for not attending meetings regularly... I told her about my losses and I told her about how the Ombudsman told the other women and how that made me feel. She called me shortly there after because she wanted to explain. Apparently she thought I was reffering to something else and explained to me the reason the women knew about my miscarriage. There was a list in January of all the pregnant women on the boat (a list that I was on though I did not know about) This list was for the FRG to know who was due while the boys would be gone so they could make cakes and such for the women near their due dates. The day after my D&C was the Predeployment night and all the women and some of the men were there to talk about stuff we need to get ready for. Somehow the pregnant women list was brought up and the Captain told the women that I needed to be taken off the list. I am not sure how he could have done this in a better way, maybe only take one or two of the women aside and tell them... I dont know... either way it is still completely wrong for him to have done that. My personal life is just that! PERSONAL! I silently sobbed on the phone with this women as she explained all this to me... I didnt want her to know how upset I was, after all it was not her fault. This was the first time I had heard of this... I knew they knew about my first 2 losses because the Ombudsman told everyone... now I find out the Captain told everyone about the last one! After geting off the phone with her my emotions just burst... I mean completely burst!I have never had a panic attack but I assume that is was happened last night. I shook almost like having convulsions.... the shaking went from bad to better to worse to bad to better and back again. And I could not physically breathe.. it was like my lungs were closing in. I have a history of self mutilation and my knife just so happened to be on the oposite end of the table just mocking me and that made the attack worse. I know how upset Brian would be if I hurt myself but I have this compulsion that I can not avoid. I ended up taking my last percocet form the D&C and after about 3 hours was able to fall asleep.

I feel much better now as far as the panic goes but I am still very upset and feel betrayed by my husbands command. I will be writing a letter to the Captain and I would hope that this situation never happens again. As for the meetings, maybe now I know why all the women stared at me and asked how I was... you know that kind of how are you after something terrible happens. How nieve was I to think they didnt know about David. Needless to say I will never attend another FRG meeting again. So much for courage.