16-5-2009 - Getting back to "normal"

My mood while writing this blog: calm

Hello Ladies!

It has been a while since I have written one of these, mostly because DH and I took an AMAZING vacation! It was pretty unplanned... DH got his leave approved and we took the first plane out of the US.... that plane just so happened to be to Germany! We spent a little less than 3 days there while we waited for a flight to Scotland. We went to Scotland for almost a week and spent the whole tiem with my family. I have missed them so much and it was so nice getting to see them again and seeing where my great grandmother grew up. DH and I are the first of my family to "go home" so to speak and so we were like royalty there... It was wonderful! Then we took another plane to Spain to see DH's father. Lets just say that we really could have done with out the spain trip....

It was like a horrible ending to an awesome trip and almost ruined the whole trip for me. I speak enough Spanish to get me by but maybe not enough to explain to my step mother in law my feelings. We went during the feria which is like a weekend long prom for older people with a carnaval on the back for the kiddies to play wile the mommies and daddies get wasted... Anyway, its big deal to my MIL. The first night was nice... we had a good time. The second night my MIL pointed out every cute baby in Feria clothes and then we went into one caseta and she wanted me to sit in one seat that was right next to this baby pram and I just got overwhelmed. Its hard to explain.... some days I am great around babies... it used to be my job and then other times seeing them crushes me. So despite my best efforts I started to cry... my MIL then yelled at me (in spanish so I could really only understand "stupid" "bitch" "ruin my night") Which onyl made things worse. DH and I left the room for a few minutesso I could relax and when we got back I tried to explain to Cristina why I was crying and she only got more angry with me. I really tried to keep it together and then my FIL touched my hand, I know it was to calm me but it only made me worse and I told him I wanted to go home. It was Saturday and though we were supposed to stay until Monday I wanted to leave right then and there. Brian and I went back to their house and slept for the night. In the morning I was not very talkative... I was still upset, I was just hurting... It was one of those days where I kept thinking of my babies, how much I wished David were still with me. This onyl pissed my MIL off more. I tried to explain to here how I was feeling and all, with out having to involved my FIL (these are girly things anyway) And all Cristina kept saying was "pero, estas joven" (but you are young) and I kept trying to explain that "edad no importa" age is not important.... three of my children are gone, It does not matter how old I am. I am sad because my children are dead... not because I dont have any children. I have three children, they just are not alive. So Spain was one big awkward mess.

I am so happy to be home and back to normal. DH went back to work today and we will finally get back into our routine. I have eaten like a cow the whole time we were away mostly out of boredom or because family wanted to feed us and all... so today I fast! I need to get back into my cleaning and cooking schedule. And I would be cutting my grass if it wasnt raining. And I am really trying to get out of this funk, it started in Spain and everytime I think I am going to be ok and have a good day something happens and I just melt. Mothers Day at the food store the check out girl asked if I was a mother because she wanted to wish me happy mothers day and I first told her not anymore... When I started to cry DH looked at me and I could see his face hurt so I went on to explain that I have three children who are no longer with us. It almost makes me feel bad for the other person, its not her fault, she was just trying to be nice and here I am making her feel bad for me which I dont want.

As far as TTC goes... I am on CD 22 and I am pretty sure I ovulated a day or so ago. Boy I am such a late O'er! My cycles are typically 35 days or so so I guess ovulating on CD 20 isnt so bad... We did not BD as much as normal this cycle mainly because of the vacation but we did BD a lot during the extra fertile time. I cant tell exactly if DH is just tired or if he does not want to try this month... He knows hat if I dont get a BFP this month then we will be putting TTC on a 6 month or more hold. Last night I tried to get him in the mood and he didnt seem interested so I asked him, "do you not want to conceive right now or are you just tired" his responce, "I dont care if or when we conceive, I care if we have a baby. I dont want to keep losing babies. I want to find out why it keeps happening before we get pregnant again". This was the first time DH has really said anything like that, its usually, "what ever you want" or "I dont care". So I almost dont know how to feel about his comment. I am going to try my best to be worry free and not care what happens this cycle. Either we get pregnant and hope all goes well or I dont get pregnant and I focus on my health and getting my body back. My friend who has also had a m/c and I decided that we will take the stripper work out classes... those Carmen Electra tapes... Flirty Girl... belly dancing... what ever it takes to be "sexy bitches" for when our DH's come home!

Anyway so thats my plan I guess... thats my update... I hope everyone is well. I hope all my TTC-ers are well, I sprinkle you with much baby dust, to all my recent BFP friends many congrats to you, all my Preggo girlys good luck, and to all the new mommies I hope you are getting soem sleep! I love you all!