23-5-2009 - Pregnancy #4 Blog(for my records)

My mood while writing this blog: Cautiously Optomistic

Important Dates

22May - BFP/ HCG 27

29May - HCG 404

Ok Ladies, Pregnancy #4 has officially started. I am going to use this blog mostly for my own updates and so later I can post it on my myspace later. This time around I am really going to keep the pregnancy secret until at least 12 weeks.... maybe even later.

23 May 2009

Yesterday I could not wait any longer and despite my own better judgement took an at home test. Brian was sitting on our bed making fun of me and I said, "negative... like I thought" but after walking back into our bedroom ans looking closer at it I began to see the other line. I handed it to Brian and he at first told me I was crazy and seeing things. Then when he saw it he said but what if its not right... I had been carrying that test around for a while so it could be broken. I dropped Brian off at work and then went to the clinic. I just so happened to run into Dr. Dahlke, the doctor I have been seeing since January. We made small talk then I told him about my at home possitive, he ordered a quantative hcg test and then told me that all of my blood work from the last miscarriage came back normal. So I have no answer for why we lost our last baby and I have nothing to really change. After my second hcg test on Thursday I am going to suggest that we check my other hormones... progesterone and all. Brian leaves for deployment very soon so I will be alone if I miscarry again and that will suck but I am just ahppy to have the chance to be a mommy again so soon. If all goes well we should finally have a baby to hold in January 2010! So far I have nothing to report for symptoms. Three days ago my boobs hurt a bit and lately I have just been a little extra sleepy and have a bigger apetite. My starting weight is 169 pounds (high I know... we just got back from vacation so I cant be mad at myself!)

27 May 2009

OK so first official symptom I guess... my left boob is KILLING ME! My boobs have now been through the growing, engorged, and shrinking phases three times. Back to growing I guess! BRING ON THE GIANT BOOBS! I am still super sleepy but I have a tough time falling asleep at night, mind racing-cant get comfy. The dreams are also getting interesting weird and so vivid! Last night I dreamt I was babysitting 4 kids, two were like pre teens... I turned away for like one minute and they uprooted a potted plant and put it in a coffee cup and the other older girl made a drink with vodka! Then the parents came home while I was replanting the plant and trying to dispose of the alcohol. So weird! I am having the HCG tested again on Friday Lets hope for something over 200!

29 May 2009

Today is a bittersweet day. Brian has left on his deployment so the Sea Monkey and I are on our own. So we are sad to have to see Daddy leave us but we are happy because we had our beta hcg tested again and we are now at 404! The soreness in the boobs comes and goes... Sometimes I dont feel anything at all but then other times I want to scream! I have been getting just a bit nervous though because I have been feeling almost like its the day before AF is to arrive. Not crampy but just that feeling in the pit of my uterus. It is just a little worrying because that is how I felt for my second m/c. I am trying to just ignore it and hope for the best. Since Brian is gone I will be able to rest a lot more. The last few days have been hectic, trying to get everything together and all so I am ready to just relax and take it easy. It is also going to be a little harder than I thought hiding this from my mom. I keep wanting to say something but I know that in the long run it will be better to wait. Well... until next time I guess!

4 June 2009

So its the day before my first scan and I am DYING! I am getting paranoid and wishing that I was back where I belong with either my 3 month old, being due in a couple of weeks or being in the 23rd week. I am just scared that I will never be a Mom. I wish we were doing more to make this pregnancy different. I know that I cant change anything that is going to happen but I just cant help but wish I could have control over this. I really dont want to lose another baby especially not while Brian is away. I just want this so bad! I know I need to relax but I am finding it so hard to just stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I dont have many symptoms, my levels are low, we arent doing anyhting different this time. I just know that if I dont see something good tomorrow I am going to be crushed. I mean even if I see something good it still doesnt mean anything... Last time I saw a heartbeat twice and only had 5% chance at a loss and it still died. Its just going to take forever for me to finally not be worried! Is it tomorro yet? Is it week 23 for that matter?

5 June 2009

Ok, so I went to my appointment and I am not sad but not as happy as I could be. It seems that I may have ovulated late so there was not much to see. I was actually assuming that I would not see much today. There was really only a sac so far... no fetal pole yet. The doctor seems confident that things will still prgress as normal... just need to wait and see. He ordered another blood test for me but he said he probably wont get the results before he leaves for the day. I may just call the nurses station and see if they are still there and can help me. It would not be easy for me to make it through a whole weekend with out knowing the numbers. I am hoping for something in the 3,000 range. He scheduled me for another appointment on the 16th of this month. So hopefully we will see more then. I will update later when I know the blood test results.

UPDATE

So it looks like [regnancy number 4 is coming to an end. My blood tests came back at only 800 when they should be around 3,000. I am crushed and feel so alone. I wish Brian was here with me. I am sick and tired of this happening. I just want things to be normal. I want things to work the way they are supposed to. I dont want to go through this again. Especially not with him being gone. All I can do is wait until Monday to hear back from my dr and we will see where to go from there.