14-8-2009 - One Year

My mood while writing this blog: down

One year ago today I took a shower in antibacterial soap.
One year ago today I put on comfotable clothes and made my way to the hospital.
One year ago today I sat in a waiting room for several hours trying to smile because I didnt want everyone around me to cry.
One year ago today I put on a green and blue hotpital gown with broken buttons.
One year ago today I sat in a chair and had blood drawn and answered a million questions I never thought I would have been asked in my life.
One year ago I layed on a hospital bed in a pre-op room with my husband who tried everything he could to make me not sad.
One year ago I told the doctor to please not break me because I want to be a mommy someday.
One year ago I saw pain and sadness in my husbands eyes that I had never before seen as they put in my IV and started the drugs.
One year ago I woke up and she was gone and I was in pain and all I could do was cry.
One year ago my husband could not be there when I woke up because he was closing on our first house.
One year ago today I slept in the back seat of Brianna's car and ate Sonic french fries on the way home.
One year ago I could not wait to be in his arms because I knew that was the only place that I would feel safe again.
One year ago today I slept on the fold out sofa at my Mom's house because our new house was not ready.
One year ago today my life, my perception of life, and the way I live life changed forever.



I want so badly to go back to last year before all of this and just be happy again. It has been a whole year and still I have no answers, I have no baby, I have no cute pregnant belly. But I do have husband who I have never been closer to, who is my reason for living, who was the only one who made this year livable, who has done everything in his power to make me happy and who has been the only one who has been able to comfort me when I have not been happy. I have gained a deep appreciation for life and just how precious it truely is. I have had my good days and I have had my bad days. I have lost friends and have stopped talking to family members because of this. I have made a great deal of friends who have been where I have been and I love every one of them. One year ago today I lost my first child and I never thought that I could ever go through that pain again and yet here I am still alive, still able to smile at the small stuff and I have now lost 4 of my children.

So happy birthday Josie, Mommy loves you.