em2 stewarts wife's I-am-pregnantblog

em2 stewarts wife
em2 stewarts wife has 64 days to go and is now in week 30
	Age: 22 Country: US Province/region: Virginia City: Norfolk Partner: Brian Children: Yes, 1 Pregnant: Yes Due date: 21 Apr ,2012 Occupation: SAHM
	Online: 11 days ago. Last updated: 318 days ago. Member since: 1331 days
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21-12-2009 - Need Strength

My mood while writing this blog:
weak, tired

Today has been a pretty hard day and it has just been really hard to get through. I am really feeling hopeless now and I just dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to try, I dont want to see drs, I just dont want to do this. I am just so tired and drained. Why do I have to fight this hard? I dont understand why all of this is so difficult. The last few months I discovered that I have an LPD. Is it new, have I always had this, I dont know. Could this be the cause of any or all of my miscarriages, again, I dont know. Three weeks ago I told my dr about this and over two weeks ago he said he put in a referal to an REI for me. I have spent the last two weeks calling my insurance comapny over and over and over to find out if it has been aproved only to find that they havent gotten it. Today Brian called the OB clinic at Portsmouth (The Naval Hospital) and was told that the referal was aproved a while ago and sent to their in house fertility clinic. No one eve told me any of this... why do we have to call and find this shit out for ourselves? So we call the fertility clinic at the Naval Hospital, the receptionist is on vacation and she gives you a number to call but says it so fast you have to listen to her voice mail 8 times to decifer the numbers only problem is that getting through to her voice mail is harder than winning tickets on a fucking radio station. I called the other number and was sent to yet another voicemail telling me to leave a message and they will get back to me. Brian left a message for me because at this point I was just so upset I didnt even know what to say.

So here I am... wasting more and more time and honestly I dont even care anymore. I completely give up. I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to cry everyday because drs arent doing their job or because my body is so screwed up. I am just so sick and tired of everything. Vitamins that are said to help, but do they really? Treatments that arent proven by enough drs so many other drs wont try them... I am just sick of it all. I am on CD19 and no sign of ovulation... my cycles lately hardly ever get past 33 days so I know this month for sure will be another short luteal phase. We either, A. wont concieve or will have a chemical pregnancy, or B. have another missed miscarriage or early miscarriage because there wasnt evnough time for the progesterone to build up. I have accepted the fact that every subsequent pregnancy for the rest of my life will end in failure. I have accepted the fact that there is nothing that I can do to fix this. Or that if there were some miracle treatment that could fix this, I wouldnt be eligable for it for some strange reason. I just give up... I dont want to try anymore. I dont want to do anything anymore. I am just crushed. I am so defeated. I will never be a mother.

I may or may not be around here anymore. It just hurts too much. Thank you for being here for me for the last year and then some... I wouldnt have made it with out you.

9 Comments on Need Strength

beckybear - Tuesday, 22 Dec
EM - I can so completely relate - the f-ed up cycles, the trying forever, the heartache, being so completely consumed and determined and having nothing to show for it. I really do believe that you will be a mother one day, and we are here for you, whether you decide to keep trying now, or take a sanity break to deal with all that you've been through. I wish I had comforting words to make you feel better, but I also know that sometimes there are no words, it just hurts and you have to ride it out and lean on the pillars in your life until you can pick yourself back up again. {hugs}

fdstripled - Monday, 21 Dec
I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time.I can't tell you how to feel but I can tell you I have been in your shoes and am very sympathetic. I lost 3 pregnancys between 6wks and 15wks before I had children. I was mad at people telling me not to give up and you will be ok. I felt it wouldn't be ok. I started trying to have a family when I was 20. I finally had my first baby at 24 after 6months of bed rest.I now have three children and have been trying for just one more with my 2nd husband who has no children. Four misscarriages later I have been unable to concieve again. This is the last month that I will be trying but maybe when I least expect it God will smile upon me. Sometimes we need a little distraction to become refocused without all of the crazyness. I know that you will find the strength to try again And one day will hold a baby of your own in your arms.Keep faith close to your heart. I will keep you in my prayers.

aussiegirl80 - Monday, 21 Dec
:( I hope with all of my heart that things start to look up for you. I can't believe that the medical profession are so shitty, I don't think that they even realise just how much they toy with peoples lives when they don't get off their backsides and help us. I agree with the other girls - don't give up on your dreams - but I also understand that you must be so exhausted from this. You are in my thoughts xxx

mrsw - Monday, 21 Dec
OMG hun I just want to give you a hug and let you cry and tell you all will be ok. I wish I could give you assurance but I don't have that myself. You're so young to be going through this bs. It really isn't fair. Every BFP I hear is like a stake through my heart, it hurts. It's so hard not having answers and it's even worse when you see dr and yet you still have no answers. I hope everything works out for you and you'll have your BFP in the new year. BIG BIG HUGS to you.

missing*my*2angels - Monday, 21 Dec
MY SISTER SENT THIS TO ME AND IT HELP ME AND I HOPE IT HELPS YOU----What makes a mother? I closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard Him say, A Mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?'Yes you can!', He replied with confidence in His voice, 'I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.'Some I send for a lifetime and other's for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. 'We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quick My Mommy set me free. I'll miss my Mommy oh so much but I'll visit her each day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow is where I will lay. I'll stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here So you see my dear sweet one, your child is OK. Your baby is here in my home and this is where he'll stay. he'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home he'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start!

missing*my*2angels - Monday, 21 Dec
I'm sorry you feel like this but i understand where you are coming from. I too gave up and i told my DH and he told me that he was fine with my decison on giving up and not trying and he said that he is happy with his 2 fur babies, which was the greatest relief ever for me. Give yourself time to heal a little and see where the future takes you and as a mom you are one you have your Angels in heaven and you have your fur babies also!!!

butterfly-angel - Monday, 21 Dec
Oh EM, I am so sorry girl. I am crushed for you. I feel your pain in your words...My heart is breaking for you. Know that I am thinking of you and love you - you`re my sista! I hate that you have to go through this. Lean on me as much as you need - I`ll be there to carry you. Even though the world around you looks like a bunch of REDONCULOUS ARSES AND YOU WANNA KICK THEM ALL IN THE BALLS....please don`t give up on your self, don`t give up on your dreams...Love ya girl xxx

BabySaunders - Monday, 21 Dec
=/ Not sure what to say. I have never been in your exact shoes so I can't say "I've been there...you'll pull through". I can't imagine your frustration with doctors and them not working WITH you to reach your dreams. The only thing I CAN say is that women have conceived and carried to term under some CRAZY conditions. I hope that you will be a mother one day despite your possible medical issues. God works in mysterious ways. My thoughts and prayers are with you EM. Have faith in yourself, in your husband, and in God.

blessedbeyondbelief - Monday, 21 Dec
EM -- I am so sorry. I am totally praying for you and for your DH. Nothing more to say than that! Let me know if you need anything. TTC is one of the hardest things that a woman has to go through unless you are one of those people who just get pregnant when they think about it and have no problems with pregnancy -- we won't talk about them though because they are just annoying. Praying for you!

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