03-5-2010 - 16 weeks

My mood while writing this blog: content

First and foremost I HATE writing a blog and having it completely disapear mid-sentence! ARG Now I have to try and remember exactly what I just wrote!

Anyway, 16 weeks… are we really 16 weeks already? I woke up this morning and I checked on the baby with the doppler and honestly I expected to hear nothing but there it was! Squiggles, pops, and a perfect little heartbeat. I just never expected to be here… to be this pregnant with a live human! It almost scarey…. For real this time we are going to have a baby this fall! Seriously? It just blows my mind! I am finally getting more comfortable with doing more things and such but I still make Brian do the heavy lifting. Brian and I even went for a ride on his motorcycle this weekend! We went to the Oceanfront… it has been so long since we have been down there! I think the last time we were there together was for our wedding. I have gone since then to the Neptune Festival and such with my mother in law but Brian hasn’t been since our wedding. It has changed a lot! We even had lunch at the Oceanfront with his Mom on Saturday at her favorite place (Chix Café) on the beach. She just love the sitting outside having tapas thing… I think she misses Spain.

Then on Sunday we went back to the Oceanfront and spent most of the morning there. I laid out for a little and he walked for a bit and then I took a dip in the ocean - SOOOO COLD!! And then we walked several blocks together on the beach with out feet in the freezing water. Brian and I people watched the whole way and Brian made a note that there were many families with little girls… far many more families with girls than boys. He thinks it is the “season” for girls and that our baby will be a girl. I don’t care what it is and Brian says the same but I get the feeling that he would LOVE to have a big brood of nothing but girls. I think he wants lots of little girls to raise right and shower with love and adoration, the way he wishes my Dad raised me. It really hurts Brian that my Dad was such a failure and I think it is his goal in life to be everything that my father wasn’t. Which brings me to my next point anyway…

Most people know that I have not spoken to my father for almost an entire year. His last words to me were that he was happy my effing baby died. He said this to me while I was going through my 4^th (natural) m/c . I wrote him a letter on Father’s Day giving him the opportunity to apologize and he never responded. I have not heard a word from him except for the generic birthday card and check (which I ripped up) on my birthday this year. My sister is still in contact with our father (he knows about this pregnany which I did not want him to know) and has told him that he should apologize and that until then I will not speak to him. He told her that he would call me this weekend… he did not. He did however send her a picture of a mini-bike and said “I hope her baby is a boy because I bought him his first motorcycle”. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? We have not talked in a year and you get a motorcycle for my unborn child? I don’t think so buddy! I know that he is still using. I can deal with his alcoholism but I refuse to deal with his drug addiction. He is not using coke anymore (from what I know) but he is still smoking weed, not that big of a deal, and he is also using prescription drugs. I could overlook weed and alcohol but I refuse to overlook serious drugs like the ones he is on. He can apologize if he wants… if he actually feels sorry for what he said (according to him, he never actually said those things) but he will have nothing to do with this child unless he is completely clean and sober. He will have to take a drug test before ever seeing this child. I spent my childhood surrounded by his drug use and I will not subject my child to it.

Anyway that’s all for now. I am going to get out to the garden and do some weeding… my neighbors will probably tease me since I will be wearing Brian’s work coveralls and garden gloves and a face mask and Brian’s boots and safety goggles and a bandana on my head. LMAO Gonna be nice and safe and protected from the risk of toxoplasmosis (lots of feral cats here) OOOOH and I almost forgot… Yesterday on our way to the beach Brian and I saw a tutle trying to cross a busy road so I asked Brian who rolled his eyes and I flew out of the car into the busy intersection putting my hands out to stop traffic and snatched him up to save him. Poor little guy. We tried to set him free a little ways away and he headed right back to the road so I went back and picked him back up and he is now living in our garden! Though this morning I couldn’t really find him in the jungle back there LMAO I better get to weeding so he can at least walk around in there!

Thanks for all the love and support you guys! Sea Monkey and I appreciate all the love and prayers you send our way! I hope all my TTC friends have lots of sticky dust and get to join me in the week by week soon and I hope all my preggo friends are doing great and all my near due date friends have happy fast births! Love you all!