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|17-6-2010 - 22 weeks and Speaking to Dad again
||My mood while writing this blog:|
Alrighty Ladies... week 22 is in full swing, almost over actually. Brian took leave starting this weekend so we have been pretty busy and will be until he goes back to work next week! Monday we had our scan and found out that Sea Monkey #5 is a little lady. I wrote a blog about that and I know most of you already knew from that blog all about the scan BUT what I forgot to mention is that my sister sent my Father a text and told him to call me. He has been telling my sister that he will call me for months now but he just never got around to it. So when she sent him the text saying that the baby was doing well and that he should call he did. I almost didnt know if I should answer the phone but I did. (For those who didnt know me last year, Last June while I was in the middle of miscarrying for the 4th time my father and I got in a huge fight and he told me that he was effing happy that "THAT" baby died. Obviously I was very angry and hurt by his comment and I stopped talking to him all together for an entire year. I sent him a letter shortly after our last conversation telling him to apologize and until he did I would not accept his calls and such. This year he sent me a birthday card with $100... I threw away the check and mailed the card back.)
My morning was going far too well to let someone like him ruin that so I let bygons be bygons and we finally talked after over a year of silence. I could barely understand him when I first answered because he was crying so much but even with out caller ID I would have known it was him... I have heard him cry more than I have cried in my lifetime! I didnt mention him needing to apologize and he did not apologize anyway. I figured why start a fight already so we just talked about the baby and his work. He called me back later that night and we spoke more again not mentioning our last conversation in 2009. We spoke for more than an hour about stupid everyday things and agreed that we should get together some time. It is not so easy to do so because he lives 3 hours from here but I made that trip almost everyweekend while in highschool so I dont see why he cant take the drive down himself if he really wanted to.
So here I am... sort of reconsiled with my Father... It is nice to talk to him... he is my dad and I have always loved him and will always love him but part of me still feels like he owes me at least an apology. Perhaps I will mention to him how I feel the next time we speak but at the same time I wonder if it will ruin what we have started again. But should I care if it ruins things now? Is an apology worth it? I spent the last year not talking to him and being perfectly content doing so and it would not be any different than if we hadnt spoken at all if we stopped speaking again... hmmm... we shall see I guess. I just sort of feel like unless I get that apology I will underlyingly resent him for it forever. And I know Brian will be angry if he does not apologize. Brian is very perticular when it comes to my dad... My dad has given him (just like he has given me) countless reasons to not trust him but he is my dad and I will almost always forgive him.
Anyway, thats it for 22 weeks. The baby is growing, she is a girl, she is beautiful and perfect! My belly is huge!!! We have decided her name will be Alison (one L) Grace. Alison (one L) was my great grandmothers name... and thats how she would say it, "Alison, one L!" lol and Grace was Brian's great grandmother's name. I love it... it is classic and makes me think of happy times. Brian rubs my belly now and says "Hey Ally" and she gets all squirmy so I guess she approves as well! Thanks for reading guys and let me know what you think about the whole dad and apology situation!
8 Comments on 22 weeks and Speaking to Dad againseeker
- Tuesday, 29 Jun Alison Grace, with one L, I love it! blessedbeyondbelief
- Thursday, 17 Jun YEAH EM! expecting angel 3
- Thursday, 17 Jun I'm so happy for you that you are finally getting little Alison. On the father topic......Just my 2 cents and I appologize for putting it in. But I had a similar experience only not near as bad because it didn't involve the loss of a child. I know that it is very important to you that he appologize, but I just lost my mother in december she was barely 51. During the month I spent with her at the end I learned that the appology in word for doesn't always mean as much as the steps taken to mend that fence. Best of luck to you on that situation kbfulloffaith
- Thursday, 17 Jun I just love the name you have selected...how special to be able to pass along family names! I am so very excited for you...As for your Dad...hmm...life is so short...and what he said is not right - but...simply put, he's your dad. em2 stewarts wife
- Thursday, 17 Jun Thanks Ladies... I plan on telling him how I feel the next time we speak and there is opportunity. We have always had a sort of touch and go relationship. He is an alcoholic and a drug addict and knows that he will not meet this baby until he is clean and sober. I really dont need to hear the wrods so much as to just know that he knows what he said really hurt and that it will never happen again. I have given him so many chances and I am just tired of being let down over and over. My only fear is that he gets so defensive and i know that when I say how I feel he may blow up and I am not sure I want to deal with that. But I think I will do just fine letting him know how I feel and go from there! Thanks again guys... you always know how to make me feel better. Pocahontas
- Thursday, 17 Jun It is amazing hearing you speak of Alison. Wow! Suddenly it is more real than ever before. With regards to your dad, I think life is too short to harbour lasting resentment. In my experience it is never the actual apology that makes the difference but the fact that I could voice how the lack of it made me feel. You can still do that, in a nice gentle way tell your dad that the fight and in particular those words last year really cause tremendous hurt for you, that it made you feel unloved and that you have been waiting for an apology as it would mean he acknowledge that he understood just how much it hurt. That is all you have to say. It is then up to him to say sorry or not and you need to be prepared to let it go either way. Maybe you can add that if he cannot say the words a hug wil be enough. One thing I have learned is that there is nothing worse than getting an apology just for the sake of getting it. It only really means anything if it is sincere. Some people don't say sorry because they feel it won't change what happened or they just don't know how as it feels they are weak. I think you should opt for the one that will leave you with peace of mind. I hope the relationship with your dad will grow more positively. I know it is hard when you have been hurt or let down so many times by the same person. Sending you tons of hugs - L jamie86
- Thursday, 17 Jun I really like the name Alison Grace, its really pretty. As far as your dad goes, thats a hard one. If it were me I would let him know how hurt you are by him saying what he said. mrsw
- Thursday, 17 Jun Nichole sometimes it's very difficult for people to say they're sorry. I'm one of those people but if I really hurt someone I will try to say that I'm sorry or I will do things for them to make up for my ways. What your dad said was inexcusable and you will never forget it but maybe now that you have a beautiful baby girl on the way, it may be ok to forgive him in your heart. He may never apologize but I think you should calmly tell him how you feel and how much he's hurt you. Get it out of your heart - he may never apologize and that's not a good thing but sometimes we just need to let go. You don't need to have this really close relationship with him, but like you said he's your dad and will always be your dad. You'll feel much better that you've let go even if you'll never forget his cruel words. Believe me I know that feeling. BIG HUGS to you.