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25-6-2009 - This is too much ....

My mood while writing this blog: Overwhelmed

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If you're sensitive about sporadic curse words or people that vent, please don't be offended by the following post, but I'm tired and in need of some kind words and / or advice.

I'm so frustrated. Lately, everything has been a roller coaster. One minute, I'm happy and chatting with J and there isn't any bickering and we're agreeing about a lot of things, talking about work, and etc. The next thing you know--like tonight--I'm trying to get Lia to sleep without breastfeeding for comfort and, consequently, letting her cry, and he walks in to pick her up and rock her to sleep.

This is the second night and I'm upset that he always tries to intercept something new I may be trying with her and he does this with the dogs, too! I'm all-heart, but I also read and do research. I don't want to let her cry it out, but I don't want to have her learn to depend on rocking and nursing to sleep. We butt heads on the best practices for helping her fall asleep on her own, for weaning her from breastfeeding for comfort, and for disciplining her when she does something wrong (ironically, he typically yells her name or "Stop!" or "No!" which always startles me).

I was so frustrated tonight that I just told him that he's the new bedtime-routine-person since it may help if I'm not present, tempting her with the possibility of being breastfed. So, he'll handle it from now on: bath, bottle, books, bedtime (he can rock her all she wants, but I ain't rocking her, so she'll only expect that from him). I bet he's pissed because he thinks I'm overreacting and being cruel by letting her cry, but I'm much more pissed that I'm trying to transition her from one routine to another and he's only in the way when I need to transition her and not when, all these past months, I was in the room dealing with breastfeeding and putting her to bed while he sat in the living room watching TV or playing video games or being able to go to sleep much later than me.

We never argue, but I'm frustrated and bothered by how often we disagree and how often we can't just figure out a middle point in how to raise a human being. Some days, I feel like we get it and we're an awesome team, especially since we try to make up for things whenever and wherever we can (washing dishes if forgot about feeding and watering dogs or cleaning up if didn't do some other chore), but I feel like I'm going around in circles.

My routine has become mundane and monotonous and I spend my days saying "no" and "stop it" whether it's to my students, Lia or the dogs. I spend my day cleaning piss or poop whether it's Lia or the dogs. I spend my day chasing and supervising whether it's my students, Lia or the dogs. I spend my day explaining myself and my methods and my process and my routine whether it's to my students or J.

Today, J sent me a text saying that he felt down and couldn't figure out why (and that he needed a hug, which I gave after work), but he knows why: he slipped up on a task at work and got called out for it, even though his manager came to his defense and told the other dude that it wasn't actually his fault. His big boss has even been making jokes about sending him back to the night shift (he's a big joker), even though they would never do that since his skills are indispensable to them during the day shift; they are just big assholes that much more emotional than they like to admit (they go from 0-60 in a hot second). Anyway, he knows what's making him feel blue lately, plus he doesn't eat well at all because he gives in to the crazy hours that his managerial job puts on him.

As for me? I've been feeling out of it and blue on and off for a few weeks now and I'm not sure if I need a new scene or just a sunny summer break. I will add that I got my period yesterday. Anyway, we agreed that every day feels the same. So, today, we went out for a walk and stopped to eat at a restaurant. It was great! It always reminds me of how things used to be when we had the time to just eat out and talk and laugh without worrying about going home to anything but more of each other. But then we come home to the same bullshit: poop and pee and "Stop!" and "No!" and "Come here!" and "Don't touch that!" and "Take that outta' your mouth!" and clean this and clean that and fix this and fix that and get this ready for tomorrow and watch the baby while I do this and watch the dogs while I do that, and it gets so annoying.

Sometimes, I come home a half-hour early and am excited about being by myself for that half-hour.

I feel like I've been complaining about the same things for a while now and I'm wondering if we need a bigger place (since it seems like we're all stepping on each other) or maybe a TV in the bedroom (so there's somewhere else to escape to / we're not always together in the same space in the apartment the entire time after work) or just an entirely different environment (like moving out of this borough, this city, preferably this state).

Yesterday, on the bus, one loud teenage girl ('cause you know there are too damn many in the Bronx) tried to push me so that she could skip me on the way off the bus.

"Can you WAIT?" I yelled and, suddenly, I was acutely aware of my New York City accent. "You see I'm trying to get off the bus!"

So ... you know that I'm ready to leave the STATE when my ass blows up like that 'cause I'm a loving and patient person 99.9% of the time. I mean, I have to be if I'm a mom and a teacher and someone's wife.

Anyway, I need to blow off some steam.

Drinks tomorrow, happy hour, with coworkers, drinking to get drunk .... husband now doing bedtime routine forever more, me and the summer tangoing soon 'cause my ass is still paying the sitter to do her job.....

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2 Comments on This is too much ....


jekajoy - Monday, 29 Jun
Hey girl, I am going through all of this myself. Natalie is 11 months and still wants to nurse at bed and when she wakes up. Every day is the same old thing and we are barely getting by. When does it get better? To add, we are now 4 weeks preggo with #2. I am a nurse and I'm busting my butt to try to make ends meat...and our place too is seeming too small. How are things coming for you?

stcy2113 - Thursday, 25 Jun
I think we have all had those moments with out hubbys. Alex and I always have different ways of doing things, and we have had many "talks" about it. As for the bed time thing, Chloe is so attached to me and always needed me to rock her to sleep, Daddy took over bedtime a couple months ago, he lays her in her crib and reads to her until she falls asleep. Usually only takes about 20 mins. If I am in the room this will not work she will cry until I pick her up. Sometimes you have to just try things both ways to see what works better. It will get better. Hang in there.