03-12-2008 - Old Profile Front Page

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

I'm moving my old front profile intro to this blog so I can re-do my page and have a new start. Love to all, Sam

About Me

Hello Everyone! My name is Samantha. My husband and I have been married 10 years and never got pregnant. We were always the kind of people who thought, "If it happens, God will allow it to happen." Well, it happened.... 10 years later. We are extremely excited and looking forward to this miracle God has given to us. Due date Dec 17, 2008.

I'm interested in speaking to pregant high risk women to share their experiences. I have a lot of health issues: Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Myasthenia Gravis, and a mild form of Lupus. Plus, I'm overweight. My doctor said, "Well, weren't you using any birth control?" I told him, "I've been married 10 years almost, have one ovary (which he took out), never used it before, so why now? Did you honestly think I thought I could get pregnant?"

June 13th, 2008

Well, this morning I went to my regular scheduled OB visit. It was Friday the 13th and I was 13 weeks along. No, I'm not superstitous but I was worried. First of all, I had been constipated my whole pregnancy up to this point and this particular morning I had diarrhea. That was concerning to me. I went to my appointment. The nurse asked if I had any problem and I said, "no, not really...". My doctor came in an put the doppler on my stomach. He said "we're gonna move you over to the ultrasound room and try to hear it the heartbeat that way." This wasn't concerning for me because it was the first time he'd tried to do it with the doppler and I thought "well, maybe it was too soon in the pregnancy to hear the heartbeat that way." Then we went into the ultrasound room and he rubbed the paddle over my bloated belly and he didn't see anything. That was alarming because 2 weeks prior we had seen it that way at my high risk doctors office. I thought my regular ob's machine was just a cheaper version or something. So, he wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound. So, he came back in, my heart was racing, and he started to do the ultrasound. I tried to look at the screen and he pulled it close to him. He said "I'll show you in a minute". So, I sat there in the dark with him. My heart was thumping hard and he said to me, "I'm sorry to tell you this but, your baby does not have a heartbeat." At that very moment my heart was ripped out of my chest. I bagan to cry. I was a lone. My husband was working over at work. He asked me if he should come with me and I said, "no, I'll be fine." He always went with me to my appointments. So, I said sobbing, "Dr, what are we going to do now?" This was my first pregnany, trying to conceive almost 9.5 years, I had no clue. He said, "Well, you are too far along for me to just go in and do a D & C. You are going to go to the hospital and check in. Then we are going to put medicine in you to make you go into labor." I had been on Lovenox, a blood thinner medicine and that was a scare to me. What if I would have started to bleed? Was I going to bleed to death? So, when I got to the hospital my high risk doctor met my husband, me, & family there. He confirmed it with another ultrasound. At 6pm I was "enduced" with a suppository. My water broke at 4am and I delivered our baby at 5:45am on June 14, 2008. Our baby, named Dakota Jordan Toft was the size of my hand.

July 8, 2008

Well, it's almost been a month since we lost our Dakota Jordan. We gave our baby a name, my husband & I had decided all babies needed a name, even if we didn't get to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl. I'm healing well physically. Emotionally it's taking longer. I started to see a christian counselor today and she told me I was not losing my mind. I just was going through normal grief. She told me I was doing the right things by reading books, going to a support group, and talking to all the women on this website that have went through the same things as me. I appreciate all of the women I have met from this website. Sharing your experiences has been life changing for me. And isn't that what it's all about?

July 14, 2008

It's been one month since Dakota was born into this world. I've learned that the bond between a mother and a child is deeper than any relationship I have ever had or ever will have with another human being. The pain of losing a child growing inside of you can't compare to anything other. I don't know why I feel so alone. . .

September 15, 2008

It's been three months since we lost our baby Dakota. I thought things would be easier for me and it seems like that is not the case. Nothing has got any easier. I don't cry as much as I did but the pain inside doesn't seem any less. The only difference is that it seems like the world around me has gotten on and I haven't..... Is that okay? I don't know....