THIS IS THE STORY OF MY MISCARRIAGE AND MY ANGEL BABY......I ALSO MOVED IT FROM MY PROFILE INTO A BLOG BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO DELETE IT SO I COULD HAVE TO REMEMBER MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AT THIS TIME AND TO SHARE MY STORY IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED........

01/09/08 - Well, I didn't know if I wanted to come back to this site or not.....I guess I'm here to get out some feelings or I don't know what.... my water broke on Christmas and I delivered 2 days later :( .....It was the saddest thing ever to have to go through that. I delivered a boy, we named him Joseph Michael, and we buried him the next day. I didn't really know what was going on at first (after I found out my baby wasn't going to make it) I didn't know what to feel....anger, sadness, grief, confusion....I was in shock I guess. I tried to understand it.....the results of the tests showed no infection or any other reason this would have happened. I had no warning signs of cramping or bleeding..... I was driving myself crazy trying to understand... what helped a little is that I have the best family and friends, they were sooooo supportive and I couldn't have gotten through this without them. After crying more than any human could possibly cry and practically going insane (or so I felt), I gave up trying to understand this and tried giving it to God.....I am still trying to talk myself into the whole "everything happens for a reason", "God works in mysterious ways", "your baby is in a good place"... all those saying that people tell me to help me feel better. I know they mean well and I do believe that my baby is now a special angel in Heaven that God wanted for some reason.....but....I wanted him, to love and take care of.....I guess I am still trying to deal with all the feelings that are involved with a situation like this...I am still sad of course, my heart aches for the chance to hold my baby, I still have spurts of moments when I feel a little angry, confused, guilty, etc. My boyfried was really supportive through the whole deal, he didn't leave me for a minute at the hospital (it was a long stay, I had trouble inducing labor and after delivery had to have a d&c). He was taking it pretty hard...I couldn't imagine what he is feeling through all this. My nurses were awsome and I had probably the best staff one could have when dealing with something like this. I also recovered physically very well so far and had no complications.....I am thankful because I have never been in a hospital before, never had an IV, faint with needles, am a scaredy cat, etc. etc. so to have a great hospital staff and great support with me made this terrible experience as bearable as it could be.....I also believe that my angel made sure that I didn't have to suffer much physically after the whole deal.....taking care of momma......well, that's my story, I know that it's a little jumbled up and what not, but I'm just trying to get out some feelings and thoughts as they flow. I am undecided as to when or if I want to conceive again...some moments I want to be pregnant again right now, some moments I am so guilt ridden and scared to go through this again that I don't know if I ever want to, sometimes I have hope that I will one day have a baby to care for, somedays I think it would be ok to never bear a child, sometimes I don't know if my relationship will last, and somedays, like today, I am sooooo confused that I don't even know what I'm saying sometimes (or so I feel)............

01/18/08 - Well, a little bit of time has passed but I am still heartbroken. The anxiety attacks have gone away (I would get this great sense of sudden anxiety that would take me back to that moment when my water broke - it was horrible, I just wanted to scream till I couldn't scream anymore). I just have been thinking about my little angel and getting sad. I kinda feel cheated I guess. And it seems like I see pregnant women everywhere I turn now =( . I have told my story to the few people outside of my family and friends that knew I was pregnant....and they were educated as to what happens when you have a miscarriage in the second trimester. Because like myself before this happened, really didn't understand what happens and what the mother (and father) have to go through, like the labor and delivery, funeral or other arrangements after, etc. I am now educated about what we miscarraige survivors go through and the loss and grief we experience, and I have all the parents of the little angels in my constant prayers!!! I have been doing a few things out of character like making big purchases, etc. I don't know if I'm trying to fill the "void" that was left after I lost the baby....At times I want to be pregnant again as soon as possible (like now), but then I think I don't know because I don't just want to be filling a void or don't really know how I would feel, or if I could handle the guilt if I miscarried again, etc......again just rambling out my feelings...........

04/17/08 - Ok, I think I am ready to start TTC. I am really really scared and nervous though.....not about having a child but about losing another. I think I am going to be soooo paranoid about doing everything right so not to jepordize the pregancy. I'm already thinking about everything I did that "may" have "caused" the miscarriage....like missing a day of prenatal vitamins, light exercise, stress, sitting on the hard floor for too long, sex, etc. etc. etc. I know everyone including the doctors told me these things had nothing to do with what happened but.....the guilt factor hits me really hard and if by any tiny itty bitty microscopic chance that these things did have an affect, I sure as hell am going to do everything in my power to correct it for the next time because I don't think I could handle that guilt and sorrow again. And really its not that I don't think I could emotionally handle something like this, its more like I feel that it would not be fair to my baby and my fear that he/she will go trough pain and suffering in the womb.....becuase I could not stand the fact that my baby would suffer any pain or distress. It makes me kinda sad and angry that when and if I get pregnant again I will always have these thoughts in the back of my mind and won't be able to enjoy the pregnancy to the fullest.....but on the positive side when/if I have a baby to bring home I think I am going to cherish him/her even more becuase of the experiences I've been through - (if it's possible to cherish your child more than you do!!). Anyway, I'm not going to be over anxious or do anything "special" to conceive...I'm going to let it happen and find out what God has in store for me....maybe it will be a healthy baby!! Thanks for "listening" and good luck to all.........