03-6-2008 - Mixed Emotions

My mood while writing this blog: all emotions you can think of

Ok so.......yesterday I took a HPT as soon as I woke up - but got busy with something and by the time I got back to check the results, about 40 minutes had passed. But, it said positive!! So I read the instructions and it stated that don't read the results as accurate after 10 minutes (DAMN just my luck). So I didn't take those results tooo serious. So a few hours later I decided to use up my last HPT....I guess I was feeling lucky :-) So there it was a positive!! It was a little lighter than the first but none the less it was there!!! I didn't know how to react at first. I left both test on the sink and when my boyfriend came home I told him to take a look at the sink because it was leaking. He went and looked at the sink and came back and said there's nothing wrong with the sink. He hadn't even noticed!!! Typical guys ;-) So I had to give him a little more nudging and told him (with a huge grin on my face - my poker face ha ha) that there was some "stuff" on the sink. Of course he looked at me like I was crazy and said "stuff???" So when he went back he saw them. The look on his face was also mixed.....kinda looked like a deer in the headlights, kinda like stunned, and then kinda happy. He simply questioned "your pregnant mama??" (he calls me mama). I said "I guess so, that's what the tests say." So we (well I) decided that we are not going to tell anybody until I go to my first doctor's appointment to see if everythings looks alright. Even though it's just the next day and I want to tell EVERYBODY.....I have to have some willpower!!

So this morning I called to make an appointment and the earliest on is on Monday June 9th :-( I know it's only less than a week away but I wanted an appointment NOW!!!! I can already tell I'm going to have to practice my patience this time around!!! So needless to say, I'm trying to live my life for the next week as normally as I can. But to tell the truth, all I think about is pregancy, babies and such!!

On another note ----- today was the due date of my baby Joseph Michael had I carried him to term :-( Geeez I miss him soooo much. I had a "conversation" with him today letting him know that I love him beyond words and miss him terribly. I let him know I apologize for not being able to carry him to term and bring him home to us. And that I would have loved him more than anyone could think possible. I told him to find Joseph and Brandon and they will love him and take care of him in my place until I see him one day. I have these thoughts about my baby pretty often but I have never said these words out loud to him. It felt really good to say them outloud so maybe, just maybe he would hear me! I guess that's called Faith.......oh how I wish I was bringing my baby home today!!!

So all of this happening and my emotions are off the charts!!!! I feel terribly sad for my baby I lost, I feel anxious to get to the doctor to confirm and ask some questions and hopefully get an initial ultrasound, I feel scared because I do NOT want to lose another baby and think I will be TOTALLY devastated if it happens again, I feel ecstatic that I got the positive, I actually feel guilty because I'm thinking about financial consequences of having a due date when I do-when I know that should not be an issue, I feel nervous for just being pregnant in general, I feel psychotic because I know I'm going to be OBSESSING about every little thing during this pregnancy, and finally I feel exhausted because I couldn't sleep at all last night and my mind has been going 100,000,000 miles a minute!!! Oh and there is also other emotions in there I just can't really expain them too well in words!!

I pray to the good Lord that everything will be ok, that we will be blessed with a healthy baby, that I won't be soooo neurotic, that my family and friends are blessed and gather strength from Him to face their challenges and the insight to find see their blesssings, and that we have courage to face what is to come........Amen