24-2-2009 - Post Partum Depression??

My mood while writing this blog: so many emotions

Well, I haven't updated in a while....baby Izabella is doing pretty good. She is beautiful, special, loved, perfect, innocent....

She does suffer from GERD though :-( I hate seeing her in pain with the reflux!! It just breaks my heart. She is taking Zantac liquid 2x a day for it - sometimes it seems like it helps, sometimes it doesn't. She spits up and chokes some when she eats. She also has gas pretty often and for that we give her the over the counter gas drops - again, sometimes it seems likeit helps, sometimes it doesn't. I was exclusively breastfeeding her since she came home from the hospital. Last week she was looking yellow so we took her to the doctor and did some bloodwork. And sure enough she has a little bit of jaundice, but thank goodness all of her other levels were good (her liver functioning, blood cell count, etc) So the docs were thinking it might be my breast milk - I guess some babies can't break down something in the breast milk and it causes their bilirubens to elevate - supposedly they grow out of it. So we tried stopping brestfeeding for a few days and giving her only formula and then testing her levels again. And sure enough her levels went down. I was elated and sad at the same time. I was glad that her levels went down and it was going away, but sad that it was my breast milk that was causing it. Even though the doctors said she would outgrow it and for me to go back to breastfeeding and we would take a break from breast milk when her bilirubens started to increase again, I was conflicted. I didn't know if I wanted to continue to breastfeed. There was slso another reason - her little tummy was (still is) sooo bad. It would rumble and make noises (really bad - you could even hear it and feel it!!) and she wouuld cry when it did this and move around, pick up her feet, arch her back, etc. etc. She looked like she was soooo uncomfortable and in pain. So when I did the break from the breast milk, it appeared that maybe it was getting better (less rumbling and less crying)....I mean she still did it but it seemed less severe. So there I was, sooo conflicted because I know how great breastfeeding is for them but I didn't want it to be causing her sooo much pain/discomfort. I went back to breastfeeding for a couple of days while I decided. Well, I decided to quit and give her formula only. Oh my goodness, the guilt I felt for that decision was incredible!! I have never felt guild like that before in my life. It is "mother's guilt" I guess. Good news is that she is growing good and appears to be thriving good. She is finally out of her premie clothes and wearing newborn! She weighed 8 and a half pounds last time we went to the doctor a little less than a week ago. She is still very hyper active - just like when she was in the womb!! :-)

So I have been struggling with symptoms of what I believe is Post Partum Depression for the past several days. I just feel soooo frustrated, tired, irritable, emotional, GUILTY, etc. etc. I really didn't identify these feeling with PPD at first because I just thought they were probably "normal" new mother feelings - like the exhaustion and irritability and worry. At first I was just thinking "If I could only get some sleep I wouldn't feel this way". I have been depressed before and I didn't feel like the "normal" depressed feelings at first like the crying for no reason, the constant sadness all day, etc. I don't know, it just didn't feel like depression to me. Then it started to get a little worse. I was talking to my friend about the new baby and everything and she had PPD. So we started talking about the feelings and thoughts that I was having and she was like "yup that sounds just like me and that is PPD - you need to see the doctor because I let it go on for tooo long, don't make the same mistake". So I thought about it and I already had a follow up appointment with my OB this week so I am going to talk with her about it. But I feel soo ashamed about it. I know nobody would understand unless they have went through it but I could never imagine myself thinking the things I do about my baby and my situation. I am even still to ashamed of my thoughts that I am not even going to write them down here. I didn't want to verbalize them to anybody because of my shame because I thought who ever I was talking to would think I'm a horrible person or something. I can't explain the feelings I have...Its like I love my precious baby soooo much, and have waiting sooo long and been through sooo much to get her here and healthy that I don't understand how I can be feeling like this and thinking the way I have. The best way I can describe myself right now is imbalanced. I don't know????? The good thing is I talked to my boyfriend a little about it and he was supportive - he was like "you need to tell me when you feel like that and I will do whatever you need me to do, if you need to leave and take a break I will take care of her while you do what you need to do, you need to take care of yourself etc etc" So that was a little bit of a relief. My mom came and is staying with us to help with the baby because I went back to work yesterday so she takes care of her in the day. So when Iwas talking to her I just felt soo bad. I felt like she was kind of feaking out or disappointed in meor something when I was telling her what I was going through. It seemed like she was trying not to sound judgemental when she was asking me questions about what I was feeling. I don't know it could have just been my paranoia thinking she was like that...but....she didn't let me take care of her all night. She put the baby to sleep in her room, and got up with her to feed her and when I would hear the baby cry and would get up to help she would tell me to go back to be and she had it covered.....so I kinda felt like"dang, does she think I'm going to hurt my child or am unable to care for her now that I told her?" I'm not to the point where I'm thinking of hurting my child or anything...... Sometimes I just feel like - what else can go wrong - I had a miscarraige, found out I had an incompetent cervix, had to have a cerlage, had to be placed on bedrest for five months, being in the hospital for two months, having gestational diabetes, having to be on insulin, having to have an emergency C-Section, not being able to breastfeed, and NOW post partum depression????? Is there anything else that could possibly go wrong so I can prepare myself for it??? I know I know, I'm being a little melodramatic but sometimes that how I feel about it all....

I guess I'll just see what the doctor says tomorrow....The only thing I'm sure about right now is that I love my baby with my whole heart, she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and the most special gift ever!!