16-7-2009 - Hard week..

My mood while writing this blog: Wishing the week away.

I'm having a hard week. I'm nine weeks 3 days today, and my scan is on Monday. 4 days away. I'm starting to get panicky that the baby is not growing again. I know it's easy to say don't worry but I don't think I'm worrying unnecessarily. I've not allowed myself to get caught up this time, but I feel my husband has. And that worries me. How he will feel if this happens for a third time.

My sore boobs disappeared about a week ago, and although I still feel sick, and indeed it's been worse the last couple of days, I feel the boobs are a big thing for me. My last two miscarriages, my boobs disappeared. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do but wait. But I think I'm starting to expect the worst. I asked if I could be scanned this Monday, when I would have been nine weeks, and she told me she did not want to do that because she was not keen on scanning me every week, and she talked me into waiting a fortnight. Now I wish I'd been more forceful on that point. I am high risk surely? Sometimes I forget that, and don't stand up for myself too well. I'd be gobsmacked I think if my scan goes well next week.

Sorry if I sound negative, I'm not trying to be, I'm just trying to protect myself from the hurt again.

The only thing I have in my favour this week, is that I'm off today, tomorrow and Monday, cause it's a bank holiday in Glasgow on Monday. So I've got five days off, and I feel I need them. I'm emotionally blank just now, and just getting through one day at a time. I'm not eating well at all, although I have started to have breakfast now, just Weetabix with some fruit. So I figure I'm getting some calcium, some fibre and some fruit. Lunch usually doesn't happen, but I try to eat my dinner with my husband but I then just feel sick for the rest of the day. I have aversions to vegetables! And I've gone off fish. I don't eat meat or chicken so that's really odd to deal with. What else is there to eat? I should be eating better. But then I think what's the point of pushing myself, if I don't feel like it.

Monday is such a huge day for us. I feel if the scan is successful then I will probably accept this pregnancy will progress and try to relax a bit. I feel I have an awful lot counting on this day.