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14-6-2012 - 20wks 6days

My mood while writing this blog: RELIEVED!!!

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So... just like the little smiley face in the corner... thats how i feel deep down inside. I made it passed this week. Monday, I was 20 wks and 3 days... which happened to be the same day and the same length of time i was almost 8 months ago with the pregnancy with my son before my water broke. I was terrified on Monday. I was just waiting to feel the gushing, uncontrollable wet feeling. Nothing. Ok.... so... Wednesday comes along... 20 wks and 5 days... the day that i was forced to deliver my 'at the time' still alive and kicking son Angelo James... who passed away during delivery because his little tiny lungs were not developed or strong enough to work on their own. Even until last night... i was constantly thinking that at any given moment, its gonna happen. Nothing. I wake up this morning, usually i drag and drag and hit snooze and am late for work. Not today. I got up (still later than I should, but not LATE LATE like normal) and i got ready to go to work and realized that... IM STILL PREGNANT!!!! *Now im crying at this very second writing this* I have been so extremely terrified that i would lose this baby like I lost Angelo. This week was so hard for me... but in turn my son has made it very clear that he is well and very much alive. I have been feeling his movements so much this week. Even last night as i lay down, with applying pressure to my tummy and just laying my arm there, i could actually feel him from the outside!!! Now if only i can catch the right moment for Dad to feel him. It wil make everything so real. So as I hit here, i will enjoy this last day in week 20 and exhale all the negative feelings about losing my son. I have 3 more weeks to go to hit 24 weeks and in that time i have plenty of U/S and drs appts to help catch anything before it happens.

I am so thankful for this site. This is my sanity on a daily basis. Especially those who read this. Thank you for caring about me. I don't have family in the states and only very few close friends so having people i can share my fears with and celebrate the good times, who understand the pain of losing your child, yet giving me hope to have my own rainbow baby... THANK YOU. It means the world to me!

Now... to have a great day!

Im feeling very emotional today... so, in a happy way... i love you guys!

Monica

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