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|10-3-2009 - Stressed, overwhelmed, and now weak!
||My mood while writing this blog:|
OMG I am so tired of being pregnant. Im tired of being in pain. It kills me when I move, walk, stand, or sleep. I am feeling so stressed and overwhelmed! My boys have officially started their baseball season. Last night was their first practice. Their on two different teams and we will be having practice three times this week alone. Their first game is April 6th and I will be having the baby 2 wks later. OMG I can't handle anymore. Im not ready for her to come just yet. We're still painting all the rooms in the house, got to finish remodel both bathrooms, and still trying to put all new windows up in the house. I told my husband let's just paint and put windows up in the kids room first (where it counts) and then slowly work on the other part of the house. We found the perfect time to decide to upgrade our house, huh? I was on my way to work this morning and just started crying and thought how nice it would be to not have to worry anymore. Maybe its just my hormones! I keep telling myself thats all it is. Mornings and bedtimes are so hectic in my home. I've been having to deal with alot with my younger child lately. His biological father has bipolor and we had my son checked and he has his trait. He was diagnosed bipolor & anger disorder. We've been trying him on different kinds of medicines and his body has rejected every one of them so far. He's taking over 20 different kinds and I feel so bad the Doctor is using him as a lab rat to find the perfect one. He's going to try one more and then if it doesn't work, then he will put him on lithium. Which im deathly afraid of him having to take that at only 7 yrs old. To make matters worse his insurance dropped him w/o warning me b/c the medicine he was trying to take costed over 500.00 a month. So he had to go cold turkey w/o this medicine that was 1000 mg. We had to give him adavent to get him off it. So we are working with the state trying to get some kind of insurance b/c he is on NOTHING now!! He gets angry so quick and just SNAPS over nothing. His poor older brother has had to deal with a lot b/c he gets violent with not only me & my husband but my older son as well. Well week before last he got suspended for one day b/c he kicked at a teacher. He went back to school for one day and did great. (thank goodness the school has been working with us) then the very next day he got in trouble again. What had happened (and it always happens when he gets embarassed) He was scooting his chair and the teacher grabbed the back of the chair. When she grabbed the back, he scooted forward and fell on his behind. I know how my ex acted and how my son is but if they ever get embarassed it turns out ugly. He ended up kicking, punching, and scratching the teacher. (which he does a lot more then this at home!) The school suspended him for 10 days. OMG!! Before this incident. He NEVER got in trouble at school EVER!! In fact the school would never believe me when I told them how it acts at home b/c he was considered the golden boy at school. Well since christmas break they moved him to another class and at the same time dr put him on a new kind of meds and then he was completely taken off. Well since he's been in this new teachers class he's been in the office weekly and constantly has marks against him as well as being wrote up weekly. What could it be. For the last 3 yrs he's never ever got in trouble at school just always at home and in public places. But never school! Could it be this new medicine being on it and taken off, or the new teacher. I have no clue. He is still the same at home as always, angry!! I've been dealing with this anger issue since he was 3, and I am so tired! I have done every type of punishment known to man. The corporal punishment, time outs, taking things away, threatening, patience, talking to, NOTHING WORKS!! Nothing bothers him, spankings don't even phase him. I have learned the hard way he's not allowed to have chocolate. We end up taking him to the ER one night b/c he got into some chocolate and hid in his room and ate it. Dr decides to tell me oh you cant give chocolate & caffeine to bipolor ppl. Thanks for telling me, lol.He got so aggressively violent that we could not control him. My poor husband (his step father) has so much patience and I dont even understand why he's still with me b/c he shouldnt have to deal with my problem. He takes my son and tries to restrain him so he doesnt hurt no one and tells him over and over how much he loves him. Even though my son screams out these aweful things he tells my son that he loves him no matter what and what a good boy my son is. My husband has gotten so many battle wounds & scars. Scratches, bruises, cuts, busted lips and to think he doesn't give up. He tells me that we are his family and there isnt nothing he wouldnt do for us. He says my son has a sickness that he cant help and no matter what he will always love us and be there for us. I recently found out that when my son visits his biological father that he has been hurting him & choking him. He has biopolor and also doesnt take medicine. Terrible combination, 2 ppl with bipolor and no meds. Dr's even thinking that just maybe my son could have aspergers (mild form of autism) Im seriously leaning towards they it could possible be that. In fact the more I read into it today I really feel like he has it. He has all the symptoms. I pray that he doesnt b/c while there is medicine to deal with bipolor there is nothing you can take for aspergers. I feel so alone!! Im so afraid of what will happen after my baby girl gets here. Joey has always been the baby for almost 8 yrs and he won't be anymore. He requires so much attention from me. I do know that as he's getting older that its getting worse and he is getting a lot stronger. I feel like Im fighting a losing battle with my son. I feel so overwhelmed b/c I deal with this every day and we have so much to do before the baby gets here. I only have a few weeks and it just can't be done. On top of it all i've been dealing with a serious toothache that the pain GOT so bad my dr had to prescribe me perocet for the pain. So thursday Im getting 3 back teeth pulled. Then every day something new faces me and I have to try so hard to conquer it.
On a different subject. I went to lunch just now before finishing my blog and had to go p/u wic vouchers. Well about 30 minutes after eating I started to feel very dizzy and lost my balance and kind of fell twice. The room was spinning and I felt "weird" all over. Then as I was going to the health dept I started feeling very weak. So while I was there I asked the nurse if she could check my blood pressure b/c something just wasn't right. My blood pressure was 118 over 64 (normal as always) My iron was 10.9 MUCH BETTER since I took the iron treatment. But then she checked my sugar. Like I said I just got through eating and it was 79. Well they called my dr and told me that it should be like 180 plus b/c of just eating. Nope it was 79 so they didnt want me to drive so I had to stay till my mom picked me up. The dr called them back and wanted me to go to L & D. Well I know what kind of night this would be and Im sure if i just ate something sweet I will be fine. Maybe I just got over heated. Im not dehydrated. I know what all of you are going to say. But after my mom came I snuck to my car and drove it anyways. Hey last time I left my car there and went to go eat dinner with my husband and came back after hours. They had a note on there they were going to tow it away. Which i couldnt understand I live in a small country town and didnt see the big deal. well my truck isnt going to get towed. So I headed back to work to write a note that I had to close up early. My little joey, I felt so bad, b/c his baseball practice is tonight and he kept asking if he go ahead and change for it now. Well my mom insisted on driving me to the other town to go to the hosp. I just couldnt do it b/c I had too much to do. I decided not to go, if I get worse, I will go; I promise. But he's got base ball practice, I got too much to do, so im sitting here at work and I may leave early to go home and just CHILL> It is kind of hot in here and maybe thats all it is. I hope dr understands when I dont show up. Im too afraid to call him so maybe he will just forget. I mean come on I dont want to be one of those women that go to L & D for everything. I want it to be for the real thing. Babys moving so I think that Im ok. I still do feel kind of out of it and Im feeling weak. So I will just go home now, relax, get cooled, and take joey to practice thats at 7 and go from there. im sure that I will be ok. Just b/c I feel a little weak doesnt mean that I cant drive. Besides I live like 3 min's from where I work. so no problem. I'll keep you ladies updated. Lets pray that I start beginning to feel better.
6 Comments on Stressed, overwhelmed, and now weak!katerenee
- Friday, 13 Mar how thats not good that u have fallen last nite i felt the same thing.. i tell ya my 1st son wasnt like this.. maybe i need to drink more fluids.. i am not sure. hope you feel better soon.. hmm923
- Tuesday, 10 Mar OMG - you poor thing. To quote my grandmother, I am storming heaven with prayers for you right now. This is too much to deal without for an average person, let alone someone pregnant. Just please, please, please take care of yourself. I completely understand wanting to have the house in good shape - I came back from Australia, my house was a disaster, then my doctor puts me on bedrest. I live alone, I want to claw my eyes out because I can't do all I want to do. But, I decided my little one won't know or care. She will have a clean crib, clean clothes, and lots of love. The rest just has to wait. I think part of the reason your house is bothering you is because with so much out of control, you want to control one thing in your life. But, just try really hard to let it go for a while and focus on your health, and your kids. You know how when you're on a plane and they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first? You need to do that, because then you will have the energy to try and help your son.
I have some bipolar in my family. I also have a niece who has severe behavioral problems. They put her in a special program at school - which helped tremendously. This year they're trying some meds, but it's been a disaster and is driving my sister crazy (she made the same lab rat comment). But the behavioral therapy really, really helped. I think for a doctor to give your son drugs without mandating some sort of intense therapy doesn't make sense. Perhaps you could contact a social worker? They might be able to help with some sort of referral - and they know how to work the system. Believe it or not having the suspension might help you get the kind of services you need.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine how difficult things are for you right now. I'm encouraged that you mention such a loving husband and caring mom - the same ones who took out a can of whoop ass on you this weekend for painting - let them help you. Ask for help from people. I can tell you're a very giving person - I bet people want to help. See if another parent can pick up the boys for practices.
Your heart is in the right place - and you are such a loving caring mother. Your children are so lucky to have you. tianaamor
- Tuesday, 10 Mar That is so much to deal with and be pregnant at the same time just remember Gods is the best problem solver of all time put it in his hand and don't stress he will send you the answers. i know it sounds cliche but trust me, I lost my 15month old son last year and thought my world would never be good again God stepped in and well it gets better day by day. kaden and levi mom
- Tuesday, 10 Mar I have you tried abilify or well crap my mind went blank. Any whoo i will try to think of more. My husband and I work with adults that have mental illness and developemental disabilities and I am trying to think of some thier meds to help you, but I know a lot of them are on abilify and there is one more that they use just for children but you have to request a doc is not going to prescribe it to them. Also he is seeing a psychologist? We have many here that see patients as young as 5. trinity
- Tuesday, 10 Mar It may be a good idea to have your son in therapy or placed in a mental hospital. It sounds bad but it is nice for them to get away from their daily stress. I was in one when I was about 13yr old. He sounds as though he is getting worse and before something really bad happens it may be a good time. And they can evaluate him for different things one being asberger. I also think about what he might do to himself. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. anna28
- Tuesday, 10 Mar Wow , just read your blog and i cant imagine what you are going through!!!! I only have a 2 year old and she drives me nuts sometimes. Believe me , i have gone through some tough times in my life and all i can tell you is to have faith and eventually everything will settle. I have been crying lately almost daily because i want to get a few things done , but they are basically imposible for me to do being pregnant. I am tired of not being able to do things, i have to wait on other people and I absolutely hate depending on others!!!!! Also im 2 cm dialated, 36 3/7 weeks pregnant, pain all over and i always feel like something wants to come out of my insides, yet im no where near labor!!!!!!! And to top off the cake i have a 9 in my hemoglobin!!!!!!! And like you, i also dont like going into L& D for nothing , just for showtime!!! I hope that you get the chance to relax and feel better, at least you have a loving , supporting husband who loves you and your kids no matter what, and some of us wish we had a man like that. Take care sweetie and keep us posted.