06-8-2012 - Bad News

My mood while writing this blog: sad

So for the last year and a half my mom has been on oxygen for a degenerative lung disease. There is no cure. For the last 6+ months the doctors have been experimenting with medications to keep things under control. But, she is still coughing terribly and having shortness of breath.

Today she went to see her lung doctor and they called me on a conference call to discuss her condition. It has gotten much worse. They are contemplating placing her on a ventilator and switching her medications to control it.

But, the doctor is basically preparing us for the worse. He said that if she doesn't get well there is a strong possibility that her heart won't be able to handle the demand of pumping blood and oxygen to her lungs. In other words she might have a heart attack. They were trying to figure out if she would have them resuscitate her if her heart were to stop. She chose to go do not resuscitate (DNR). I was asked my opinion on the situation and in truth it is her life so I agreed to her decision.

My father will have been dead 3 years on the 30th. His death came last than a week after being diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and I had to make the determination of DNR for him because my mother was in no condition to decide (she was drinking heavily at the time). It was a hard choice but he was 75 and had lost so much weight so quickly that performing CPR would have crushed his chest more likely than not. And the cancer had already spread to his lungs. So hard choice or not I didn't want to keep him alive just to suffer. 2 days after I made my choice he died. But I knew my dad well and I knew he would have wanted it that way.

It sucks having to be the one to make a choice like that. In this case my mom is signing the paperwork I'm just backing up her decision. If she were still drinking (she's been sober for about a year) or wasn't taking her bipolar medications I would go against her wishes until she were of a more sound mind. But that's not the case. She is at peace with her choice and I have to accept it.

So now I'm bracing myself for what will come because I don't know when it will come. I'm bracing in my mind that I will have to pay for her funeral (she can't get affordable life insurance coverage because of her pre-existing mental and physical health conditions). I'm bracing in my mind that I will become the guardian of my sister's 2 children because they are currently in my mom's custody and my sister hasn't gotten her mind right yet.

This is so hard on me but I'm trying to be calm and stay strong.

Thanks to everyone who took out the time to read this. Baby dust to you.