16-1-2009 - The past month... It's long...

My mood while writing this blog: depressed.

Everyone has been writing and wondering if I fell off the face of the planet. but no I am still here. My husband had been cheating on me... I already suspected it since he had changed his mind about wanting to have the baby in November. If that wasn't devastating enough He told me to get an abortion or else he would not pay any of the mortgage for December.. And since I wont get an abortion nothing was paid. We fought a lot b/c he kept cheating on me and disrespecting me, as evidenced by bank statements I found where he took someone out to hibashi grill and spent 82 bucks! and Saltgrass steakhouse $62.00 and Cafe brazil for luch $22.00 how on earth could two people rack up such a bill, I guess if you buy drinks.. Then he would continuously stay out all night until 3am. So I would destroy his things, throw his clothes out on the lawn... and he would continue to break my heart. ..and one day I came home from work Dec 28th and his bags were packed and all his stuff was pretty much gone and I said well it looks as though you have plans to move out.. so why don't you just move out today. He left and got an apartment in Dallas. It was a very lonely New Years Eve. I have never cried so much in all my life. He wouldn't tell me where it was but expected me to let our daughter come with him for visitation but I told him that wasn't going to happen. I called his cell phone company and found out where he is living and googled a map and took our daughter for a surprise visit.. He was pissed off that I didn't give him sufficient notice when I showed up unannounced I saw an open condom wrapper next to his bed in that little apartment on the floor. Just confirmed my suspicions along with the e-mails and bankstatements that showed expensive dinners that he refused to tell me who he ate with. Or why he would spend $62.00 in one night at a restaurant. .. I borrowed money and sold things and got a lawyer at the beginning of January. I already have my first court hearing for a divorce and for him to pay me child and spousal support. (The divorce cannot be finalized until after the baby is born). The other day mu husband said "But I thought we were going to go to counseling" -I gave him all this time to go to counseling with me but his affair was always top priority. Not me not the babay and not our daughter, or his stepson.

I hope he doesn't contest the divorce, but I'm sure he will b/c he told me he only wants to pay me for our daughter and that since he changed his mind about hte baby and I had the choice to get an abortion and didn't he's not going to pay for any spousal support to help me save for maternity leave. This is very worrisome b/c I am here in Texas alone with just ME, my 6 year old daughter and my soon to be 13 year old son. I have a home that could possibly get foreclosed on but it is in the middle of loan modification. I just nee dto scrounge up the money to atleast pay one loan payment by the end of the month. As if all this isn't enough he took me off the medical insurance so I was forced to apply for emergency Pregnancy medicaid. I also, had to get a new job after Dec 28th b/c I was working PRN weekends at this hospital, and after he left had no one to watch the kids. He knew I wouldn't have anyone to watch the kids and he kept saying that I should just move to Virginia where my family are... Probably so he could get his "financial problem" away. Anyway I started a new job in home health and I like it but it's not as much money It's all I could do while my daughter is in school and I got her in an after school program incase I much see people after she gets out of school. I'm so devastated he left, I'm glad he left b/c he was an abusive cheating lying jerk, but I'm strapped financially and emotionally I'm a mess b/c it's a blow to your self esteem. when you husband can't even stick around long enough for the pregnancy to be over before he leaves. and I had to start taking an antidepressant, which I really didn't want to do and haven't been able to take it daily b/c it makes me soo jittery and I can't sleep and I worry about causing harm to the baby. I have a book on coping with divorce and moving on with life, I pretty much read all but a few pages, and It left me pretty empty b/c It mentioned affairs so much and all I kept thinking was I can't relate b/c I don't even have the self esteem to ever cheat. And I probably wouldn't anyway. So that is my miserable existence, and my new job, in home health which I like but I'm having to go with these other nurses right now to orient (That's when I watch another nurse and learn with them) The two nurses I have traveled with so far are stinky smokers and the have really bad attitudes and I can't wait to get on my own Tuesday. Also My Medicaid came back b/c I didn't have all my check stubs so I have to do some more running around on Monday and collect all that stuff and turn it in Tuesday b/c govt. offices are closed for MLK day. My life is so busy right now and it's only me. Sometimes i think it would just be easier to give up and go insane. Let other people take care of all of my problems. But I'm stronger than that and I try to find little joys in my life, lighting a fire and curling up to a good book, exercising in the morning, holding my little girl who is gurting from the loss of her father, eating when I can stomach it, so far those are the only joys in my life, facing my kids and trying to be strong through all this, when I'm so devastated is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I cry.. Right now I am enjoying feeling the tiny kicks of the baby. I hate my body My stretchmarks, I think my husband left me because of them. It makes me sad that I don't know about the security or certainty of our (me and my kids) future. I even have thought about adoption but I really don't want to do that. I just don't know how I'm going to take care of three kids with no husband, no family and right now I'm not very good company to be going out and making a bunch of friends. It's funny I have a nother friend who is going through the same thing, her husband just left her for a walmart cashier. LOL. It's not really funny, infact we are both so devastated that we can hardly get out of our houses except to work, and then go home to cry and be alone to try to figure out what went wrong and when. I just can't believe all this is happening to me. I hate my husband for doing this to me. I' m so tired.. I'm going to bed now and maybe I'll be in better spirits tomorrow.