27-1-2009 - well, never mind...

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

Ok never mind about the other blog. I told him the day before yesterday that I would have a very hard time trusting him, that I would probably not have sex with him that I would probably just be letting him move back in b/c I need him to help with the kids dur to this financial situation. (I mean our house may get foreclosed on sheish!!) And he says " Well I don't want to move in if you only want me there for financial reasons I need love" I thinking yeah me too I needed a loving husband when we conceived this baby not an idiot who changes his ind 2 months later and leaves me and the kids.

Anyway, on Sun evening it looked as though we both really wanted to reconcilliate and we were looking online at baby bedding for the nursery, we were looking at desks and we were geting kind of excited about it, we watched a movie and then he went home. The next day he didn't even call me and he said he was going to check into cancelling his lease in the morning. But when I called we yelled at me and said he was busy moving something heavy. I said well you could've just let it go to voice mail. Anyway ... I CALLED HIM BACK at lunch to discuss things and he was against moving in saying that he is afraid that it is not going to work out b/c I will always hold the 3 x's he cheated on me over his head and that he thinks I had a lot to do with why he cheated but he refused to tell me why. oh wait he said b/c i made him pick up our daughter after school last year when I was closer! What kind of excuse for cheating is that. He said that was rude?!!!! He's a Psycho! I swear I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was agreeing b/c Friday he said he wanted us to go to counseling but he has yet to set up anything. He is all talk and no action. Except I am desperate since I have no family here and I don't know how I'm going to afford to take care of three kids and myself on my tiny paycheck and even if I get child support It still wont be enough. Maybe I could find a better paying job or start making more money with this one. We'll see.

anyway. tomorrow I get my 20week sonogram if the weather permits. It is suppose to ice. If it does maybe the roads will be better by 9 and then hopefully the office will be open. My appt isn't unil 1:30 I really can't wait to find out what I'm having. I can't wait to see the little person who's been tickling my belly. I love this baby so much already it gives me so much joy and so do my 2 kids. I hope I am not one of those single moms who works so much I hardly ever see my kids. I really don't want other people raising my kids. That was one good thing about him being here- I had a plan, I was going to work weekends and make really good money (which I was before he left me and I had to quit my job for lack of childcare)- and then I was going to pay half all the bills with that money and save on childcare b/c I would be home with the baby mon-Fri. It was perfect. but He didn't like that he kept saying you need to get a normal job Mon-Friday. Well, I do and now I make less money and work longer hours. and I need to pay for child care. I explained that to him... I am bringing that up in court if I have to!