03-6-2009 - 38 weeks

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

Well usually I wait until the end of the week to post on each week but I am severely distraught and worried. Things have not been good with me and my husband, For those who do not know, I filed for a divorce in January after he cheated on me for what I know as the 3rd time. I have given him too many chances. This time he pretty much expects me to be ok with it so he can live here and pay 1/2 the bills cheat on me and he expects me to be ok with it. I shouldn't get upset when he doesn't come home. For those of you who don't know me, I have no family here in Texas and so when he left I called his mom who said I should just go move to Virginia with my family where I''ll have support. (she's very unsupportive) Well I wish It were that easy, I would definately move all my furniture from Texas to Virginia and put it into an apartment and start working there and give my kids to my grandparents during the day -which would be better and less expensive than daycare -to watch while I worked to make a living there for us and things would be great! I'm an RN It wouldn't be hard for me to find a job. But doing all of that is harder than saying it! It's hard enough to move down the road much more moving out of state, plus I own this house. Well, I'm going to talk with the lawyer Friday and ask her what I should do. I'll probably end up delivering this baby alone, me and a nurse and a Dr. this time without my husband by my side. I wanted to bring in my mom, but I don't know if that is going to happen in time she lives very far away in NC. So I don't even know what to name the baby which is the least of my concerns but it is sad. I don't want to be a single mom with three kids in a state without any family. I am rebuilding my friendship network but It is hard b/c they all live kind of far and some of them knew my husband and I think know about our possible divorce and the drama, probably are waitting for him to get out of my life before they enter it. My mom said she would take my preteen (he's 13 yrs old) which would be a HUGE weight off my shoulders. caring for an infant is hard and time consuming but worrying about a teenage boy without a father is very hard for me, probably not other parents but for me it's hard. He's very helpful too! BUt I'm worried that he will get used as sort of a sit in for my husband.. For the following, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash doing a ton of things that my husband did, Which is good for a teen to learn but I'm just worried that he wont get to be a teen. Im worried the divorce will cause him to grow up too fast.

Well, tonight my husband and I talked about the divorce and I then went to bed it seemed like we had agree on it. then he came into the room (He sleeps on the couch, I sleep in the room)- He said "Are you sure that's what you want to do?/" And I said well, no I would rather stay together as a family of course but it doesn't seem to be what you want to do" Then he said "well I just don't like the way things are going right now. I'm goinjg to take your Redbox movie back and get out of here." That was around 10PM last night I woke up at 3am this morning to pee and he was still gone as usual and he had taken his work clothes. Also he said he was returning the movie and I havn't recieved email confirmation yet so I bet he slept at some woman's house and watched it there. I know he's not at a Bar b/c it is Wednesday morning now. He is like having another teenage son! It's horrible. Its very lonely with him in my life. I and I've never been all alone before and it scares me. WHo is there to care for me? I mean Will wasn't, but I need someone when I'm sick too. Everyone does. If I have to have a csection who will help with things like that. I've never had a csection before so hopefully that wont happen. I'm ready for this baby in every way except I have no support besides a few friends. I'm not really that close to all those work friends. It's not like I've had them over my house or anything. and I old highschool friends and I donj't talk that much except of facebook. I have a neighbor that I have had conversations with but never agreed to watch each other's kids ever, but I'm contemplating seeing is she wants to network and watch each others kids sometimes. but now that my husbamd will probably be gone soon I don't know how long of a maternity leave I can take and or how badly him leaving will effect the budget and lasttime he left he refused to pay child support. Then when he said he wanted to work it out I closed the case, and it was hard to oopen it. I am physically drained and overwhelmed. I cry ever day. And it's just so much to cope with I don't know where to begin or how. I am use to being organized and my life seems so chaotic and lonely. Sure I have kids but I have to care for them and there is no one to care for me. I told my husband last night beofre we talked about the divorce even I told him I needed him right now. But obviously he doesn't care.