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19-6-2009 - 5 days old

My mood while writing this blog: mixed emotions

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Well It has been five days since I gave birth to my little guy on Donald Trumps birthday. My little guy is a ravenous little eater and attacks my boob! My nipples are sooooo sore and painful infact I think my boobs are the most painful thing on me right now, even though I have episiotomy stitches and cramping in my uterus at times, and hemmoroids, I think my nipples are the most sore. I love the lanolin ointment though that is a life saver. My little guy is not on a schedule at all he feeds anywhere from every 1-3 hours and stays on my breast from 15 to 30 minutes at a time and sometimes we'll switch and do 15 minutes or so on each breast, but he always falls asleep breast feeding. He is so beautiful, I can't stop staring at him. And he has BLUE eyes, which I am so happy about b/c I don't want him to look much like his dad since we are probably getting a divorce. I had to let him in the delivery room b/c he took me to the hospital but, it was an uneventful and cold experience with him. He focused on the baby and his cell phone texting all his friends and ignoring me pretty much the whole time. Anyway we are home now and yesterday he came home from work and totally ignored the baby. He refused to feed him a bottle or anything. I have little nursettes with formula and I pump so his daddy can feed him at times too, but now that we are home from the hospital he isn't interested. I am so depressed. I was going to go move to Virginia with my family but my plans fell through when I found out my cousin is pregnant and moving in with my grand mother, My grandmother was so excited, and I am so happy for my cousin, I didn't have the heart to tell them that they were my only option to live with and get out of here. I don't want to get myself in a worse situation than this so I will just divorce Will and stay here as a single mother with 3 kids and work very hard. Will is upset b/c he wanted me to go to Virginia so he could live here in this house, now he thinks that if I divorce him and get the house that I will sell it and move to Virginia anyway so he says he's getting a lawyer. It is a mess. It is a sad mess. My dreams of having a family are shattered and I am going to be alone. Atleast I have friends. I have several friends who are single mothers. What am I going to do at Christmas time with 3 kids and no family here. ??? I know I should just take this one day at a time. I just usually have a goal in sight and I don't even know really what it should be right now. I have a great job here with a great company that supports me like a family. And my family in Virginia, my mom's side and dad's side quarrell b/c of the past when my mom and dad got a divorce and that is uneeded stress for me right now, changing locations finding a new job and healing after having a baby. I just don't think I can do it. I am so sad and this is not the way it is suppose to be. My body is disfigured, I mean it looks ok in clothes but naked I am so ugly. I have wrinkly stretch marked skin on my stomach it is sooo ugly I have 80 year old patients with better stomachs than mine. I feel so ugly and that no one will ever love me anyway. I know that we don't love people for their looks but I don't feel youthful when I look at myself naked. I feel very old. Atleast I have a beautiful baby right now, although babies grow up and then I'm just left with 3 kids and a used up body. I really feel so depressed right now. I'm sorry if someone reads this and it gets you down maybe I'm just hormonal, I'm sorry. I have anti depressants prescribed but right now I can't take them b/c I can't afford to stop breast feeding. I need to breastfeed the whole time I am on maternity leave and if I can after I return to work b/c I need to save money.

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3 Comments on 5 days old


ChinaPeach - Friday, 19 Jun
I know it's tough.. I didn't do it with 3 kids.. but i had my first and i was all alone and 17 .. I was 17 with a nasty stretch marked belly, no education, nothing.. no even a roof over my head.. Things can change in a blink.. I know it's hard to see a tunnel with everything is soo dark, but it's there.. Things aren't over.. and love can be found, first you need to love yourself and find yourself.. Then youll find someone new I promise..
Until then.. You've got love from your children and the love you give them.. Focus on that , it helps us heal.
It's your life.. Don't let anyone make you feel bad and not let you love yourself enough ...Never be afraid to find someone either when you feel down.. it's a vunerable time now.. after baby

NicoleM - Friday, 19 Jun
Sorry to hear about all the negative but u have that BLESSING to focus on! You r one helluva strong woman! U just delivered your third miracle don't worry about what you look like...you are gorgous once you heal and get some good rest you can start working out and feel better about yourself...give it time my friend! Stay focused and stay positive :)

yorkie puggle - Friday, 19 Jun
awwwww wow a divorce? really? I hope you guys can work it out. Good job on the B-feeding! It does hurt, but after about a week - two weeks your nippies feel so much better. Keep using the lanolin stuff, especially right after a hot shower, that feels so good on them. Put hot rags on your bbobs for a couple minutes before you B-feed, that always helped me, felt much better for some reason. If you have a pump, try and pump after each feeding. Feel better, I was like you after having my DD. This is your 3rd so you know the deal : ) CONGRATS! ♥ Dana