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23-9-2008 - might as well: happy birthday jasper

My mood while writing this blog: annoyed

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try as i might, i can't seem to distance myself far enough from Jasper's birthday that I can just ignore it. damnit.

since there is nothing on my page about it, here's a quick recap for anyone who isn't familiar:

chris and i decided to have a baby last year, and got it right on the first try!! our due date was sept. 24th of this year, and we were pretty freaking excited. we found out at 3 weeks, from an an hpt, which was strange. it turned out to be twins, but one of the babies didn't make it.

ANYWAY. we went along our merry way, and the pregnancy was terrible. whatever could go wrong, pretty much did. i was sick from day one, all the way to my last day. my husband and i had car troubles (had to buy one), money problems, work issues, sick animals, sick husband. grandpa died on the mainland. pretty much anything! not to mention my horrible attitude!!

well at week 16 we went in to find out the sex of the baby, and ended up at the hospital having a level II ultrasound, with the possible dianosis of gastroschisis. 4 weeks later, we finally are able to see our new, high risk doctor in honolulu. she said the radiologist tech was probably wrong, from what she could see. to her, it looked like an omphalocele. and to top it off, they were unable to locate the babies spine or kidneys.

bleh.

so chris and i terminated. his mother went ape shit, and called me names. i still do not speak with her to this day- and chris is not very fond of her either. we were at 21 weeks, and 6 days. i had only just started to feel jasper move (it was a boy, and that was his name) so it kinda sucked.

i don't feel guilty and i don't feel sad. things happen for a reason, and chris and i made the correct choice. there was never any second guessing it once it was made. i went through several months of happily drinking, smoking copious amounts of green, smoking cigs, and working out :D i reshaped our animal family to fit our lifestyle, and we started trying again.

we learned a lot from that pregnancy and that part of our lives, but that is all im willing to admit! there should be no reason for guilt or anger or upset. if there still was, we shouldn't have even started trying again! THAT was another thing that we agreed on!

at any rate, chris and my relationship is very strong and always has been. going through that and making adult, sensible decisions strengthened my trust in us. we are a relatively new couple (been married for just over a year!) but that means nothing! i feel completely at ease with him in regards to everything now! the way he handled his mother in the end, his defending me, the way he dealt with the military, how supportive and understanding he was towards me through the entire ordeal :D

at any rate, here we sit at 6, almost 7, weeks pregnant! ironically enough, our abortion was on the 15th of may, and that is when our baby is due. i guess you could consider it creepy, or a coincidence... or both. but i don't think that life is a game of dice, and i don't think it's creepy. it's very fitting and interesting. life revolves around death and rebirth- and what better way to symbolize that then the birth of our second baby, than around the death of our first.

at any rate, i would love to incorporate the word "phoenix" into my babys name, but i don't see that happening. i threw away all the names for the last baby... as they were just that. they were made up for that baby, and that baby alone! this baby feels like a girl to me, and i have decided tessa will be her name :D if it's a boy, we are thinking oliver or benjamin. at anyrate, that's all folks! ive recognized the day this once, and i hope i never have to again! the baby didn't really die, it went back to being a creative force in the world.

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5 Comments on might as well: happy birthday jasper


maryanne114 - Monday, 13 Oct
wow... that mustve been a hard decision for the two of you... but ur right... everything happens for a reason... this is ur time.

-newnaam - Thursday, 25 Sep
Happy birthday jasper. Thanks for sharing i hope to God that everything goes well for you with this pregnancy. Jasper is in a better place and won't be suffering. xx

babyyags - Thursday, 25 Sep
Thanks for sharing your story! Best wishes to this little one. Can't wait to follow you along the way!

dhink - Tuesday, 23 Sep
You did right, now you can concentrate on Tess.

jens1st - Tuesday, 23 Sep
I wish you best luck in the world with this pg. HAppy birthday to Jasper from us as well.

LOve and Hugs
JEn