Members

As a member you'll be able to receive and send messages, keep your own photobook, agenda, ask questions, participate in the chat, and make new friends. All is free and you don't need email.
Sign up (free & anonymous)

Name: Password:

---

Activity
• Now online | Member search | New members | Comment Spy
• New blogs & Questions | Recently updated profiles
• New photos: Pregnancy | Babies | Bellies | Ultrasound | Member pages
• Latest comments: Forums | Week by week | Baby development

Write a new blog

---

05-9-2009 - Ugghh! (VERY long vent)

My mood while writing this blog: Depressed

---

Take note to the little face up there....that's how I feel, like I'm going crazy or something! And I hate feeling like this, I hate being negative or negative people, I like to thin kthe glass is half full but sometimes I feel like I'm having to pretend when I'm telling people how I feel. I say that because really. who likes a negative person that is always complaining or crabby? I don't want to be that person so I'm always great! or everything's perfect! blah, blah, blah....it's just time to get real with myself.

I am in a crappy situation and yes it could be worse and yes I have had worse things go on in my life but right now just seems to suck for me. I have my moments and my days, sometimes it just doesn't seem that bad but today it does.

We moved here in March (to Minnesota from Tennessee) 15 hours away from all my family, all my friends, my job, my kid's friends, my whole life as I knew it is in Tennessee. I was open minded and excited when we first came, there are definately some things better about here and things that I don't miss about there but still.......I just don't know how to handle things right now. I know that everything is never gonna be perfect and I know that marriages aren't either but my hubby and I were split when he moved here for his job. He was staying at a hotel and still transitioning into the new position. He even had a girlfriend with him for a while and was completely living it up, the single life, all expenses paid, just having a blast. Meanwhile, I'm in Tennessee being a single, working mom. I even had to start working on the weekends to have extra money because of the drama between us. The whole time he was gone we had our moments of being nice and supportive and then being hateful and spitefull. Anyways, we began having some nice talks and decided that we wanted things to work between us....we have been together 8 years and married for 7....we had 3 kids together and lost one together....been through many ups and downs. We had a lot of history and it just didn't seem right us being apart but we did still have our communication/trust issues that caused the split to begin with. Anyways, he pretty much promised me the world if I would move up here. I decided to but all the "work" was left on me because he was here already. His compay hired movers but I still had to deal with planning all that, cleaning out all the junk, packing most of the stuff, closing accounts/bills, etc. It was stressful but we made it and I flew to MN in March. I get here and things are noce at first but then reality sets in....finances become tight again minus my working income and the expenses stop getting paid since we moved into our place, I had to unpack and get that place ready, he is working all the time, I don't know a soul....nobody! I have absolutely NO contacts here. I'm pretty much stuck in the house all day with the kids, with no where to go, nothing to do.....no life at all. I don't hav efriends to go have lunch with, family to go visit, he is working all the time and the closest thing to adult interaction is my 6 year old, facebook, and this website! It just sucks....and adds stress and him and I have been at it and fussing a lot. Not at all the fairytale I was promised.

I often question whether I came here for the right reasons. Yes, we have a history but is that all that's left? I'm not sure if I'm just "in love" with him anymore...maybe too much happened. I got pregnant within a month of being here and that is so scary. As of right now, my 6 yr old and 15 month old will have to be in the room when I deliver and then go home with my hubby, leaving me there by myself because we have no one here! My family is so far away that it's financially impossible for most of them to make it and the one's that could afford it have work and other family obligations, etc. I am experiencing raging hormones as you all know and I'm not sure if that's where all of this is coming from. I feel like pulling my hair out. I wake up and have to chase in behind kids and clean the house....like right now, I haven;t done the house today and it looks like crap! One day of not doing anything and it looks like crap....I have no help with the kids....he is gone all the time and I'm just here...looking at the walls. I feel like I'm waiting on the baby to get here to be able to establish a routine with 3 kids and no help and once I do that things might be better but ?? I am very social and have somany friends back home and I love to go places and do things, it's just like keeping a butterfly in a little bag...like the life is being sucked out of me slowly. I don't know what to do. I go to church and I walk around our neighborhood and we have had some social situations for his work but nothing and no one seems to be clicking? I just don't know how much more I can take or how much longer it will take to become home here.

I have had issues with depression and I'm pretty sure I had PPD after my last son but I never saw the doc about it and now I'm not completely sure if it hasn't just continued on with this pregnancy and I'm so scared for what it's gonna be like after this baby.....I will be stuck in the frozen tundra, with a active, busy 6 year old, an even busier toddler, not even 2, and a newborn...and a husband that works all the time. I don't want to go to work because I have no idea about the childcare facilities here and plus with my husbands job, he can be here one minute and gone the next so the perfect 9:30-4:00 M-F job would have to fall from the sky and in my experience with nursing, those jobs just don't exist. I just don't know what to do make this situation better.

I love my boys so much but I feel like I can't be a good mom to them right now. Even refilling the sippy cup seems like such a chore and I know that's depression....no energy, no drive, no "want to". I am so grouchy and frustrated with them that I'm making myself sick. I don't want to be that kind of mom...I'm not that kind of mom. They deserve better and none of this is their fault. I don't think going back home is the solution because even with my friends and family there, it would still be harder on me without his financial support (I mean, I know I would get child support but it wouldn't be like now) and one of the biggest reasons I came here in the first place is
I want my sons to know their father and have him more often than once or twice a year. If I wasn't here with them then they just wouldn't have a relationship with him....his job, finances, my protectiveness, the distance, school, etc, would make it all too impossible. So I feel like I made a sacrifice for my kids, I gave up my life so they could have their father but does it really have to be that way?? I'm just really upset right now...

---

6 Comments on Ugghh! (VERY long vent)


MyBabySuprise - Sunday, 6 Sep
I think the lonliness makes everything more intense. I felt that way for 5 years in Oklahoma. I wish I had some wise advice for you. However, I can tell you that if I lived there, then we would go to lunch tomorrow. I do feel lonely though, I eat almost every meal alone, my man abandoned me, and I live alone. Misery likes company right? I think if you aren't working, then you really don't have any real way to meet new friends when you are an adult. I saw a comedian once that said "when u r a kid, you have best friends. When you are an adult you just have assholes you work with that you call friends." lol. Maybe when you kids go to school you can make friends with your kids friends parents.

HollienJAX - Sunday, 6 Sep
Thanks yall for your support and comments! I feel a little better and I know things will gradually get better as I get closer to having this baby. I think things will settle in a lot and be more like home once my hormones ain't jacked up and we have a routine with the new lil one....but thanks yall! : )

PreggerArmyWife2010 - Sunday, 6 Sep
You know what! I know exactly how you feel. My hubby is in the Army and he just moved me and my daughter here Texas from Arizona in March. We had a long distance relationship and decided to take it another step. We have been going strong for almost a year now. I know exactly what you are going through. All my family and friends live back in Arizona and in California. Over 15 hours away. I have no friends or family here I don't know anyone. And he takes the car to work so I am stuck here all day with my daughter which I love her to death but damn I just need to get out of this house! I think that with us being pregnant and the hormones at the same time doesnt make the situation any better! Just hang in there it will get better.

sfrizzell1 - Sunday, 6 Sep
I'm a little late reading your blog. I've been away from home all weekend. You made a huge sacrifice for your family and the only thing you can do at this point is to try and make the best of it. I wish I had those magical words you are wanting and yet so needing to hear but I dont. I know you said you dont want to go back to work but maybe thats just what you need even if it's part time. Hun, you need some adult interaction before you go crazy looking at four walls all day.

ana23 - Saturday, 5 Sep
I understand what you going through Hollie, and you have every right to vent, it is too much too take, but the only inspirational words i can tell you is that things will work out eventually. That is what i keep telling myself. I too, moved out from Florida (where my sisters, friends, and parents are)...it was such a difficult decision since i never been this far from them...right now i stay all day home, the only time i go out would be during the weekend (sometimes not even the weekends)...i don't like to take walks around the neighborhood because i don't even like the neighborhood, i just don't like the place period! I miss my family and friends and florida....i just miss being there so much. But i had to come here since my husband finally got a job, and being away from him wouldn't be healthy for our marriage. But i keep hoping that someday we will move back again, when the economy gets better or when there is a great job opportunity. I am just hoping for this much right now, otherwise i will drive myself crazy

mama2be12.24.09 - Saturday, 5 Sep
im so sorry and even more sorry i cant offer advice but i can tell you i had the same exact breakdown last night! i never bawled so hard. i too have no one around here(and oddly enough just forcibly came here from joelton tn) in the process i lost everything i mean everything every dime and every possession including my car which is stuck in new mexico. so i too have been home to look after 5 dogs in a cruddy old house with no car to get out at all and my dh is a firefighter gone weeks at a time , and i think it has about drivin me crazy, last night thats all i could think to myself, is where did i go wrong, where did everything go, and all i want is a friend or family member for one minute to make me feel normal and ok. and is the expected baby going to make me feel better, or break me that much farther, i too struggled with depression and got off prozac when i found out i was pregnant, and lve had some anxiety but last night i honestly was thinking wow i really need the meds right now! i wish i could tell u anything to help but i know it wont, and i dont know what u should do since i am struggling too, we sacrifice everything for these guys and they dont seem to get it/care at all. apparently their hopes, dreams, and ambitions are just so much more important. and we dont have the choice to dump them on someone and follow the dreams we had, we are mom and thats always number one. i wish u luck and i so wish we lived near eachother .