27-9-2009 - Been to hell and back

My mood while writing this blog: Getting stronger

This week, me and the baby have been frew complete hell.

I finally plucked up the courage to leve my boyfriend of 6 years this week as I knew that if I didn't walk away now then it would be un unfit enviroment for my baby to grow up in. I did the hardest thing ever walking away as It was basicly my biggest phobia. Beacuse of low self asteam, I have worried that I possbly couldn't cope on my in the world. I did it though because I knew that i hade to for the babys sake.

Well I'm now homless, liveing at my moms temp, I'm penny less, I have no friends to talk to and feel very unsupotied. When I finally got to my moms house, I felt like my mom and her boyfriend didn't really want to put me up hear. It was as if just because I left an unsutable situation, I should have no resson to be sad and scared.

What no one realises though is that, I have just done the scariest ever. I feel totaly lost and scared right now. I have to find some were to live very soon and learn to be strong for the baby. She is due In 8 weeks and in that time, we need to find a new home, I need to buy all her stuff and get settled into my self in time for her.

Now I don't even think about tomorow because I just find it to scary to think how I'm going to fit it all in. Plus I had everyone telling me before I left my home that they are shure the baby will come early so I'm just so scared at the moment.

The job centre still havent sorted out my income support since the 4th of september and now I have to change all my deatils so I don't know how long it will take to sort out. When I rang them up the other day, the woman on the other end of the phone said "ok just give me a minute and i'll go check something out", I was on their for 15 minutes and then it took the security gaurd to tell me that she wasnt comeing back because they play music while keeping you on hold. When I rang back up i had a man that was so patranising, I asked him if he could spell it again for me as he was going really fast, he then started talking to me like i was thick or something when it was just because I was strugling to keep up. I could have just burst into tears all the way back home but suprisingly when I got back in it went away.

This has been so hard for over the last couple of days but I feel like a diffrent person and better for that matter.I'm reading a book on self asteem and it's brilliant. It's really helping me be strong and giveing me what no one gave me frew out my whole life. I going to go and see a counseller soon as I can and I will be top prioraty on the houseing. I have about £35 pound of the babys healthy eating money to live off. I'm apserlutly gutted that I'm haveing to use that money to survie ( travel expences) but what else can I do. My mom eats very healthy at least but It was to buy orqange juise, milk and vitamins, all the healthy luxerys I carn't normaly afford so I feel disapointed in that respect that it's alomost all gone now (their was £190 off the goverment) :-( . Well my intentions were good for the money as some people said just go and buy clothes with the money.

I will servive and it's a good job I berlive in fate because of things that have happend to me so I know I will be ok :-) A friend once said to me that you shouldn't worry because it's saying that you don't trust in god. She was right because things turn out ok in the end.