12-4-2008 - THE PREGNANCY

My mood while writing this blog: OK

(THIS IS ALL THE UPDATES I DID DURING MY TWIN PREGNANCY IN 2007 - CUT & PASTED FROM MY PAGE TO GIVE MORE SPACE)

I hope all the preggos or those trying for a baby are doing well and tings are going as you hope. I didnt realise how hard this could be, ive been having more contractions n ive been very sick n anxious and im just tired of doing all this on my own. I never thought at barely 21 years old my whole life would revolve around trying to have a baby!!! All i want is to hold my baby in my arms and to get on with living my life as a mommy, im really struggling with worrying so bad fo the lil one. The hosp told me a high majority who lose a twin go into labour within 4 weeks, so in that sense i am doing well at least - although it only adds fuel to my constant worrying when i realise how risky this is. My BP is still high and i have a constant headache. Daddy is being absolutely useless n it really hurts, we wanted a baby so badly so i dont understand why he is treating me so shit, granted this pregnancy came as a surprise but i really thought he would have tried to take care of us a lil :(

Ok, so i am on bedrest n really struggling with everyting. Papi refused to help me do anything over the last few weeks n it really hurts, he just expects me to run around as normal even though it could seriously cost us our babyz. He see's heavily pregnant women still working, and expects that i should be doing the same. I just wish he'd take into consideration how high risk this pregnancy is and how much extra rest i need because of my health conditions. Now, i have caught him cheating on me!! I am half way through a high risk pregnancy and he is cheating!!!!! I am so devasted n mad as i just didnt think he couldnt stoop so low. I feel so sorry for my baby having such a terrible father, he just has no compassion or morals or values or anything. Heart broken :( all my dreams have been slowly disappearing and now they are truly shot :(

So this is becoming more of a self help diary!! Well, Yay to me - i managed to sit one of my degree exams today!! I had major problems trying to sit for such a period of time but im hoping that it hasnt made my/or babys health situation any worse. Im still pretty down as i havent heard from daddy in 4 days. I feel like he is ignoring and punishing me, yet he is the one cheating! Only a few months ago i thought i was spending the rest of my life with him, and now this! Find myself crying constantly, i feel so guilty baby wont be born into a traditional family but i guess i need to get over this! Oh, and i now have the pregnancy woddle walk, lol !

Had to go to hosp over the weekend. Ive been real crampy n sick/ exhausted, i hate hospitals (anxiety issues) but i thought it best to go in :( Spoke to papi and he now has an extra job so at least he wants to help me out right now financially. Baby's heartbeat was hovering around 124 so im still very worried, although luckily the contractions are still only happening a couple of times a day and my cervix looks good. I cried so bad when i heard that it is still slow and a lil irregular too. They said if it becomes any more irregular there is things they can do to help, so that is a relief!

My iron is down to 5, maybe this is why i am so exhausted! Bedrest is going ok, i have been out a couple of times but I have to sit exams this week so i have lots of work to keep me busy. They say there is an 80% chance baby will be ok at 28 weeks so fingers crossed i can manage till then. Its crazy thinking how early that is, but right now 28 weeks seems like a real achievement since i have been threatening labour since 16 weeks! Im falling in love with my son more n more everyday, i jus pray that i get to bring him home healthy n happy.

:( Juz saw papi for first time in like 2 weeks, tried to explain to him the situation real simple, n how i really need support jus for the nex coupla months so i can get through the pregnancy, and he totally freeked the f*** out at me! He went mental shoutin n cussin, so i guess that is it officially over. Hurts pretty bad cos after 2 weeks i longed to get a bit of love/support since how hard everyting is right now. After nearly 4 years of devotion and this is what i get in return??!!!

I hope my son knows i did the best i could for him. I hate even saying 'son', it should be 'the twins', i feel so messed up i still love them both and im carrying them both, but il only be bringing one baby home from hosp not 2 and it just isnt right. God knows what my BP is at right now! To me pregnancy is such a special time for both parents, i cant believe how badly wrong ours/mine has gone. I have no idea how i am gona get through this all alone when im not even meant to get out of bed :( I want to thank everyone whos left such kind comments n messages, you are all such beautiful momaz n i hope no one has to go through any pain like this.

Spent nearly 2 days in hosp with contractions :( thankfully they managed to stop them AGEN, but i am worried that next time they will not be able to. Im gettin really big, i think i look full term already coz i was skinny to start with lol its soo hard to sleep. I thought that that meant baby was big but it turns out it is more fluid as my boy is small - well, long bones but skinny, like his daddy. Ooohh i just cant wait to hold him. Feel as if ive been preggo forever, im exhausted ... i hope the next weeks go in smooth and fast....

UUGGHHHH i woke up in the middle of the night violently sick, i still feel so yuky and sore now :( im all crampy as tho im bout to get my period, my back is aching, im all shaky, panicky n i feel so sick :( not fairrr i hope baby feels ok..mmmm so worried, not at docs for another 5 days. Does the baby feel bad when we are real ill? well my pregnancy meditations CD should arrive tomorrow so hopefully that will calm me n make him feel good. Goin out of my mind insane with boredum, i have no choice but to comply with bedrest as i swell up too much if i move nyways. mhh i wish baby daddy was around to look afta us

Ive been offline for a very long time i know! It appears that all the recent diary additions have disappeared :'( To sum it up i kept up with DH until the end of october, he paid me back alot of the money he from a business loan owed me, but refused to give me the security and family i needed so badly. The stress and fights he started everytime we were together just weren't worth it so i cut contact for the babys sake. Baby B water leaked. Without fluid to practice a baby that young cant survive due to severe immaturity of the respiritory system. Thankfully, Baby A was not affected.

in labour the day before the twins were born