23-4-2008 - BABY'S DIARY - Week 3

My mood while writing this blog: n/a

WEEK 3

Mummys note; Today i found out there was 26wk twins that passed away not long before i arrived. I hate thinking i might lose DS, but he is so fragile and tiny now. I just cant bare to see him like this. I hate being in the hospital environment (i have anxiety issues), although i still feel really dazed. Im so tired and constantly on edge incase anything goes wrong. I can tell i am a lil better though as i have only just noticed how awful the food is in here! Lucky for DS he will be purely on mami's indulgence, speaking of which im expressing every 3 hours around the clock. My nipples hurt like crazy, i have to have the pump on the lowest setting, although im working it up slowly to get more milk for him. Im terrified of my milk stopping with him not being able to feed straight from the breast L Im becoming more aware of everything going on in NICU and its really scaring me and stressing me out. Im still not used to all the monitors and constant alarms, im realising how many tests he is constantly going through now that im sitting with him about 6 hours a day. I just pray that he isnt aware of everything going on around him.

My BP has evened out so I will be going home soon, normally I would be glad to be outa here but I dont know if I will physically be able to leave DS behind. Im leaving DD behind for good as well. Im scared that my CFIDS and Fibro will kick in and il be left bed bound again, I mean, if im bed bound who will be here for DS? My lil Singh, he is such a strong character and has all the courage in the world, I just couldnt have prayed for a better baby, only better circumstances.

I hope last week isnt a sign for things to come; I pray it doesnt keep going like this. Im praying DS's tummy develops more and that the infection goes quickly. He is still on this new course of antibiotics and he will continue on the IV until they are finished. Hopefully then we can get him on my milk and he can start gaining. Im so nervous about the weight loss. That has been two weeks running now.

DS is still on the medication for his heart, its called prostaglandin and its to help move the blood around his body so he doesnt get cyanosis again. Im thankful he doesnt have the severe HLHS that Mia had, but im so sad for him that he will still be affected forever if he makes it. He is also still getting the meds for the PDA, normally they give preemies meds to close the hole, but in DS's case it is crucial that they keep it open until he is stable enough for the main heart surgery. I was only told today that it is the PDA that causes the heart murmur, at least I understand now but I wish they had explained alot sooner!

On day 18 DS is off all the antibiotics, they are taking regular blood tests to check his metabolic levels and see how ready his system is for taking my milk. I had to come home today - day 19. I sat with him all morning from 6am, he is taking 4ml milk now and is back on the cpap! The infection is all from his tummy and the one on his skin, and he colour is more even so he was looking a lot better when i left. When i first saw him he was very blue/red and he got lots of deep bruises. I didnt understand the talk of jaundice, but now his skin is acclimatised to the 'non womb' environment and he is gaining some fat. He is just like his papi, but i can see the jaundice, im not sure how bad it is in relative terms, but i guess thats for the doctors to fix.

I came home to find my agent showing people around my flat! I had been in hospital that long id forgotten about signing up another lease! I think id phoned the hospital at least 4 times by 6pm. Being home without DS is a nightmare, its so empty and I feel so lost without him. Day 20 he kept up on the same cpap and milk. DS was 15.5"and 1lb 14oz. So three weeks in and he is back up to his birth weight and gained 0.6 of an inch!