23-4-2008 - BABY'S DIARY - Week 4

My mood while writing this blog: n/a

WEEK 4

Mummy's note;.....this is me in 2006 pre twins..i forgot I ever had this body, but i would rather be pregnant again any day! Im missing my bump and having both the twins there so badly. This is my first week home and its strange even just moving about the house and not being pregnant! Im at a complete loss without my boy inside me, i hate that im not the one in control of his safety anymore...im having a hard time handing over that power to the staff in nicu, but I have faith he is in the best hands now, mainly because i dont have a choice! Im so vexed at daddy for all the pain we have gone through, because of him DS has lost his sister, I have lost my first daughter and now i spend my days watching and praying whilst my son fights for his life. I still cant bring myself to be in touch with him as im focusing all on DS and i cant bring myself to explain about DD. Im very weak myself and i dont have the strength or time to confront that anger by having him around.

Im back online now, yay to to this site - it is so good to be back in touch with the mama's who supported me during my pregnancy. I was thinking about you guys, especially those carrying twins and those having problems. Im glad to see another twin moma still carrying her boys, such a relief! Keeping in touch this week has really stopped me from worrying about baby daddy, and it also keeps me sane from worrying in the lonely evenings. I forgot is was my 21^st birthday...i cant believe I didn't remember!

DS had a shot lying on his belly. It was done to stop him pulling all the wires out, but I think he prefers it too. He was much less restless and I can stroke his head and his back now. This week DS has been sucking on his tubes, poor hun obviously needs his mami. The preemie soothers should be arriving soon, I cant wait to give them to him as they should help him practice and increase the reflex in preparation and get him a step closer to feeding J Im having a really hard time getting milk at home. In hospital I was pumping every 3 hours and it was going ok, now I have to express every 2 hours to keep it coming and im exhausted. I got to do 'kangaroo care' this week, but it was not for long as he gets so tired. It feels amazing to have him lie up against me, I have to remind myself to stay calm so he can stabilise too! The plan is to increase the time we spend together and i just cant wait! I also got to change him this week which was scary as I was worried I was going to break him, im still not quite used to it. They had him in these pampers preemie nappies but they go half way up his chest, so I ordered some smaller ones online.

Day 22 DS had another chest x-ray. Hes on blood transfusion number 4 now, I wish I could at least give him my blood but im so anemic and sick myself that im not allowed.

Day 23 DS white cell count is staying good so no sign of infection. His blood pressure has been more stable today so he doesnt need as high a dose of those meds. It was a really good day and I feel like things are looking up.

I got home at 9pm, 2am and I got a call to say he is back on the ventilator. He had his head scan for the brain bleed and they said it is not looking so good. Im absolutely terrified. I had to take a taxi to the hospital and stayed overnight in pain, terrified and exhausted. IVH is very common in babies born under 3.5lbs, so its not surprising that DS has suffered. I pray he has no long term brain damage.

I was so sick I couldnt make it into the hospital for 2 days, but I call every time before I express just to check how he is and to pass on messages. DS stayed on the vent for another 4 days and on day 27 he was starting to fight it and they felt he was well enough to go back on the cpap again. DS now weighs 2lb 4oz - that means hes gained about 6oz this week! Thats alot for his size, and its the most hes ever gained. He hasnt been able to have much milk this week, so they think the gain is partly down to the fluid thats collected on his brain from the hemorrhage and also because hes been back on the vent it means he can save all his energy for growing instead of struggling to breathe.