jamie's I-am-pregnantblog

jamie
	Age: 32 Country: US Province/region: Ohio City: Columbus Partner: husband Doug Children: Yes, 3 Pregnant: Not anymore Occupation: sahm
	Online: 17 days ago. Last updated: 41 days ago. Member since: 761 days
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05-5-2009 - Update on the situation

My mood while writing this blog:
scared-angry

So for all of you who read my blog yesterday I want to update you. I was a drug addict for 11 years. I have been sober for about 5. I used every drug know to man. I am not defending my husbands actions but I do understand addiction. Risky life threatening addiction. Granted I was hurting myself and I had no children at the time, but every member in my family suffered. It is so normal to me to look in on his addiction and understand it. I hurt everyone that loved me. I was so selfish I card less about anyone, I stole,lied cheated you name it in the name of a fix. I know the road my husband has to go down and it is a long, HARD, slow walk. Recovery takes years so obviously his behavior cant continue in my children and my life anymore. The hiv/aids testing is happening today and tomorrowI am going to see a counsler for my issues that contributed to my own demise and the demise our the communication in our marriage. He is going to see a counsler for his issues that led him into a full blown sex addiction., and together we are going to see someone who can help us sort out what to do next. Divorce is not an overnight easy process, nor is working through this but one thing is certain out marriage as we knew it, is over. I hold no bitterness or resentment against him. I just cant believe the amount of supidity he holds in regards to what is, and is not safe sexual practice. I thought everyone including my husband was educated in how you can and cannot pass aids. I was shocked to find out he did not think he could get it though oral sex...I am plagued with thoughts of my husband's penis in other mouths and vagina's..Sorry to be graphic but it is all I can see. I have to try and erase these thoughts quickly! Thank-You for all of your support and please pray for me that my next update is about negative hiv tests.

My children are no doing so well. My poor son is hurting so bad. To see this pain behind his little eyes is gut-wrenching..He is acting like such a big boy. I swear he grew up over night. He knows way more than he should and I dont know how..

My husband came home last night so we could talk about what to do next. It just ended up a sobfest on both ends..We are greiving the loss of our marriage, but at the same time I am relieved to not be living the way I was before..I was always paranoid. I knew something was wrong. It took alot of courage on his end to tell me the truth and I am grateful he finally did-now I can let go of all of the worry that surrounded his fidelity. We are seperated. Hopefully the counsleor tomorrow can help us figure out how to seperate with minimal damage to our children. We own our own business together that is going down the drain so pretty much both of us have nothing. No money. He can go get a job but our life is in shambles. we owe the IRS 20,000.00 for back business taxes and our business has about 80,000 in accumulated debt. We havnt paid our mortgage this month and are scraping by just for food. Our life has exploded into bits. Working through the details of this seperation are going to take alot of time. I am not looking foward to how long it will take to pick up the pieces. Aside from this for some reason I feel free. My husband and I have had secrets from the very start. We married for the wrong reasons but somehow along the way we learned to love eachother. I am madly in love with my husband. I am more in love with him now than I have been in years. Some of you might think Im crazy but no matter what he does I will always love him. Thats why I chose to marry him. Not because he was the perfect man with all these shining qualities but I chose to love him for him wounds and all. I have never been the perfect example of a woman..the thing is I have grown. I had a very rough start, but I am becoming someone that I am pround of, thanks to Christ. People can change. wether my husband chooses to or not is enitrely up to him. I know the rates of failure in addiction recovery and how many times one will relapse untill they do fully recover. I have not had a relapse in 5 years..I dont see one in the near future. It is usually when I want to run away from the truth I relapse. That feeling isnt there anymore- thank-you jesus..I cant say it will never return, I can only take one day at a time. I know more than anyone what my husband has to go through. There is no place for marriage in our current prediciment, not a very happy one anyway. I let you guys know more when we talk to the counsleor tomorrow..Thank-You so much for all of the support. I really need it right now. I will probably sign up for a blog somewhere so I cant just vent about this everyday. I dont believe here is the place---

9 Comments on Update on the situation

consmo683 - Friday, 8 May
God will help you to go trhough this difficult time...

XONORA5 - Wednesday, 6 May
Wow...Jamie I am glad you are staying strong for the kids...they need a parent at this time. My parents got divorced when I was 8, but started separating since I was 6, and I know what it is like for children. My father and I were distant until I was 18, and then got distant again until he passed away. My husband though is divorced and has been able to remain in his daughter's life up to now, and she hasn't suffered as much. It is up to him, as you said, whether he wants to change and how he will continue the relation with his children. I wish you all luck and know that with God's help, you will all survive and get through this as stronger, loving people. Never forget that He is watching and guiding you, and knows what will become. Take care and know I am here for you when you need. Also, don't forget you have a little one coming soon, and he will need you too. {HUGS}

kamo - Tuesday, 5 May
I will continue to pray for you and God will get you through this-- keep faith! Keep us updated.

JamieGarcia - Tuesday, 5 May
Wow, in a way I can relate to the emotonial side of what you are going through. My ex husband had an affair for an entire year...while he was in Iraq and I was at home with our two children. We had been married for 7 years at that point. We got married because I was pregnant with our son, and we were so wrong for each other but I fell in love with the man. I had always dared myself to dream of a life where I was really happpy and in a fufilling marriage/life, but I tearing apart my family was not something I could bring myself to do. Everything I knew and was revolved around the concept of "my family" and him. Learning of the affair shook me to my core. I started drinking so I wouldn't have to feel the pain and even tried to kill myself. TRUST ME, I know your pain. I held on to the pain and for some reason did not want to let it go. I used it to identify myself like "hi I'm Jamie, my husband had an affair, feel sorry for me". This lasted for 5 months, and you know, I got sick of allowing myself to be so unhappy just because another human being didn't behave the way I expected them to. I released everything, the pain, anger, everything, and just saw him for who he was. Yes it hurt and to be honest I still love him, but obviously we were not meant to be. (after 2 years he is still with her, they are married now). I knew we had so many things to so many things to sort through. It seemed scary as hell, but I did not let it intimidate me. The only thing I knew was that somehow in the end I would be independant, I would love myself, and that I would be free. Once you know you are at the bottom you know things can only get better. Find calm and stregnth in knowing that slowly one tiny step at a time things will be figured out. You may not get what you want along the way, but that's ok. I lost a $32,000 lawsuit, had to move, give up my suv, half my belongings, and my children for the past year to spend time with their grandparents while daddy is in Iraq. Yeah, I've had some major changes, but in the end, the dust has setteled and for some reason I feel like I am living the life I am meant to live. And as far as the pain in your son's eye, I know that all to well too. Be true to yourself, be humble and greatful for the things that can not be taken away, be realistic, don't allow yourself to cling to the pain, find stregnth and happiness in the small things, and one step at a time you willl get through this. (sorry this was so long!)

Jens3rd - Tuesday, 5 May
I wish i could hug you. If you need to talk let me know. Praying for you
Jen

MCollinsRN - Tuesday, 5 May
Jamie- try DailyStrength.com....good website for things like this. Lots of support! Keep your head up!

Bsbabyblues - Tuesday, 5 May
Wow - its obvious that you are a strong person and a fighter! You should be very proud of yourself! 5 years sober is a HUGE accomplishment! And, it is a good thing your husband was able to admit his problem and you're both willing to seek counceling. I can't provide you with any advice as I've never been in a situation like this, nor do I know anyone that has (atleast not that I'm aware of) - but as we both know, this will be a struggle, which will only make you stronger. Follow your heart when making decisions the next few months (whether it regards your kids, you, your husband...whatever). Stay strong and keep praying! I'll be praying for you all! xxx

rooey - Tuesday, 5 May
Sweetie

I am very proud of you, you are a fighter, and a very strong one at that. Hold you head high, and never be ashamed to ask for help.

You will get through this, either together as one or a part with fond memories. Never give up.

I am here if you need to chat. Thinking of you.
xxxx

JLynn203 - Tuesday, 5 May
Jamie, I am very proud of you. I know that it may not mean much because you don't know me at all, but to know that you have been through so much and to see you keeping your head up. It's a very great thing you are doing by asking for help. I think that's the hardest part. If you need to vent, I am here to listen.

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