08-5-2009 - Thank-You Im not alone

My mood while writing this blog: amazed

First off let me start by saying thank you so much ladies. The amount of respones I have recieved is overwhelming. Im just too drained at this time to respond so please no one take it personal. I am amazed by how many ladies have been or are in similar situations. Porn is one thing but craigslist is REAL...The naked women on the computer screen are REAL and right around the corner from you(your husband). The line between fantasy and reality is completely blurred. Craigslist "casual encounters" and "erotic services" should not be allowed in cyberspace. Yes this is my husbands stupid fault for lack of self control, but this started as simple curiouosity and escalated into a demon, a beast he could no longer control. At what point can we say ENOUGH...We are bombarded with a million sexual images a day telling us we are not having enough sex, were not sexy enough, or were not having the right kind of sex. It is easier to pick up a prostitute than to try and learn to filter through all the crap, and learn to love you wife....Sometimes I just want to move to the middle of montana and live on a ranch somewhere seperated from society and all of its issues that poison our lives. Temptation can be so strong sometimes...I told my husband last night I did not want to work in a certain office that offered me a job simply becuase all of the men there were extremely sexy...not handsome, but that pulse racing, sweating palms, cat got your tounge kind of hot..To put it bluntly given the opportunity I would have cheated. This wracked my brain for weeks. I felt so guilty..Its amazing now the things that we can be honest about with eachother because of this mess. He has never had a healthy sexuality..He has always been so ashamed of his darker desires so intead of being honest with me and sharing, he has been keeping so much hidden to avoid akward talk-when than added fuel to his addiction. Now that we are being open again, like we havent been in years there is chemistry again...I can look at my husband like a man and not a lying piece of shit..Oh yea, he has came to terms with the fact that he is a pathalogical liar also and a sex addict. I have NO idea what will become of us...He has told his dirty little secret to his friends and family, and of course no one was suprised. We all knew he has some serious issues. At least he isnt hiding in shame.....

Now as for me I am obviously a co-dependent and thatt is where MY journey to recovery begins, and where the hard work on myself has to start. The counsloer told me co-dependency is a disease that NEVER goes away..That makes me feel a little powerless and weak. It was explained to me that if I dont see my codependant thinking and behaviors patters, my "triggers" so to speak, I will never have an emotionally healthy relationship. I cant help feeling sorry for my kids in all this mess with 2 screwed up parents. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all better but the truth is my husband and I are both stuck in cycles that were created in our childhood by our own parents. God willing the chain will be broken and our children will be better than us and their children better than them....We will evolve..