16-2-2010 - I Cried...

My mood while writing this blog: cold

As most of you know, I lost my baby three weeks ago. I have cried a few times but kept a stiff upper lip. I have gone to church, family functions, and lots of outings with my boys and hubby. I have been doing well teaching my ten year old math and getting him caught up. Went to the salon and got black lowlights put in on Saturday. Everyone has said that they are sorry for our loss but I have just felt very little emotion. I am almost back to normal physically and I have even resumed intercourse with my husband. I have three goats, two of witch I am bottle feeding, and they keep me plenty busy. All in all I feel OK. Then...

I sat down to watch TV yesterday and a commercial came on that totally opened my eyes. It described the symptoms of depression. I fit every one! I have had a hard time talking to my hubby about how I feel as he said that he feels no sense of loss. I guess I have kept it all bottled up other than talking to my sister and posting on here. So tonight I faked that I fell asleep on the couch, let my hubby put the kids to bed(mean I know!), waited till the house was quiet, went to the basement and got in the shower, then louder and harder than I ever have before I cried.... I cried for the fact that my husband doesn't feel the loss of our child. I cried for the baby that has haunted my dreams to the point I can't sleep till after 2am. I cried for my boys who want a little sister so badly and were praying this would be her. I cried for my arms that will feel so empty come September....Hopefully realizing my feelings and giving them to God will heal my heart. Thanks again for being there and I am praying for those of you going through the same things!