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03-12-2008 - Devon's Father

My mood while writing this blog: Anxious

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I feel so, so sorry for the women who's husbands or fiances are over seas in Iraq during their pregnancy. Not that I think I have a cornerstone on suffering, but things have been pretty stressed out for me these past couple of months.
I'm six months and one week pregnant today and so far all I know about Devon is that he's healthy, active mostly in the evening with a little spurt of bouncing around in the morning, good sized and has a healthy heartbeat. Maybe it makes me a bad mother, but I'm not even certain who the father is.
I had a friend named Mike who died in a car crash on August 4 (his neck was snapped) Before he died he'd wanted to date me but I'd turned him down repeatedly and wasn't even as good of a friend as I could have been. Back then I was on drugs and I did a lot of things less than perfectly. One night he and I had a few beers and went at it. Then one week after he died, I took a home pregnancy test with his aunt Brenda, and his cousins Raine and Amanda waiting outside to see if their suspicions were correct. Even though I am pregnant, it's still only a suspicion that this baby is Mike's, and his family knows this as I didn't think it'd be right to keep such information away from them.
The man I was still head over heals for, David, is the other possible father. He and I have shared the bed on far more numerous occasions and at one point we were a couple living together. The drugs ended up coming between us though, I took the road less traveled. But in this case, the road was less traveled for a GOOD reason. Now he lives about an hour away. At month five he showed up for the ultrasound, then I didn't hear from him for about three weeks. I posted a blog on MySpace saying perhaps he'd found his Miss Perfect and didn't need the woman he said he'd loved or the son he said he hoped was his anymore. This comment was fueled by his admission of dating other women, something he told me on the day of my ultrasound in response to fears I'd expressed having had about him finding someone new. I hadn't imagined he'd go Looking! Not when he had a baby that might very well be his in the making!
Anyway, last Friday he got back in touch with me by phone. He's found a place to live now but his phone still isn't hooked up. He also found me on MySpace. Apparently his friend saw my blog and informed him of it. I asked Dave and he can't say if his friend would've said anything if the blog hadn;t been negative. (His friends are some what justified in the dislike of me, I did hurt him pretty badly when we were together) When I saw him comment on my blog, it served only to increase my frustration and anger with him and I responded in ways I now regret.
I overreacted, and I need to apologize, but because I wasn't entirely kind in my reply to his message, I dont know that he'll be inclined to get back in touch with me anytime soon.
For the sake of our friendship and the sake of my unborn son, I hope we can work this all out.

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