25-3-2009 - Mood Swings and Thoughts

My mood while writing this blog: Bleh

4 p.m.

So the paternity test Dave wants (and both he and Devon deserve) costs five hundred dollars and is not covered by insurance or paid for by the state. Since I'm not working right now, that is just flat out impossible. I feel bad enough sponging off my parents; I'm nineteen years old for christs sake. They shouldn't have to support me and deffinetly not my baby. They're not the one's responsible for him, I should be able to buy the things he needs and wants.

Devon has johndis (sp), thrush, and if the bump on his head gets any bigger; bleeding in his head. I seem to have a case of the baby blues and feel a wide range of emotions from anxiety to depression to guilt to being pissed off... Other than his weight gain and my weight loss, not much is going the way I'd hoped. I want to yell at someone who's at fault in all this... I want to know why I start crying without warning and seemingly without reason... I want the perfect little family so many of the other mothers seem to be working on...

10 p.m.

I'm typing w/ one hand and feeding Devon w/ the other. This is going to get harder as he puts on weight but for now it's do-able. I'm now waitingt exitedly for David to return from work; no tears, no stress, nothing negative on my mind really. I just hope all these mood swings aren't making things any harder on Dave. He's having a tough enough time as is.

There are some thoughts that cross my mind when I'm upset that I don't want him to know and I know I don't really mean them. But since yesterdays sudden outburst of tears my emotions have been less severe as far as negativity goes. Maybe I just needed to get it out of my system...

Dave's been a fantastic father and support person. I know he's here for me and Devon and will continue to do all he can for us. But I know it bothers him that there are limitations to what he can do. The economy in OR sucks right now and his job isn't going very well. I just wish he could see that I don't care about what's in his wallet; just what's in his heart. I know Devon will feel the same way once he grows past the indifference of being a newborn, and I hope Dave can let go of his stress and just enjoy what we have right now.