02-2-2009 - My pictures say Im happy, but am I?

My mood while writing this blog: sad

Seems like every other day I want to cry. I look at pictures of myself, especially the ones that I have taken recently, and I look happy. Im glowing, Im smiling, my belly is poppin out. But deep down I am missing my fiance. This feeling should be getting easier, but its not. Lastnight I was so supportive. I have even started doing studying on the Marine Corp, their values and what makes Parris Island so difficult. I have learned alot in the past 2 days, and even though I know more now than I did before, I feel worse. Only 59 more days to go and then there will be graduation. Jason got hurt the other day and his ankle may prevent him from coming home on time. It was only a sprain, so I am praying that he makes it to week 4. They say that if he is physically incapable to fullfill his duties, then he will be put back a whole month. Although, when he is able to perform his physical tasks, they will make sure that he continues forward, and he will start off from where he left. That is good news!
I try so very hard to stay positive, not just for him, but for myself too. Its just getting really hard to stay asleep at night and I am getting exhausted. I wake up earlier and earlier in the mornings and I dont goto sleep until 1am sometimes.

Lastnight, I had a very realistic dream. We were together again, and he was able to place his hand on my belly. And I know it sounds selfish, but I want him here with me, holding me and the baby at night. Kissing me and telling me how beautiful I am, even though Im filling out in areas that may not be the prettiest. I miss him so much and I dread the letter that I recieve saying "I have to stay for another month or two." How can I become a Marine's Wife if I can't even stay away from selfishness. The value's of the Corp state, " you, yourself, I, me, and they are NEVER to be used." it is " This, and we" Its all about brotherhood and together-ness and I want to be every part of the man that they are making my fiance to become. I want to share his values and his strength. I have had a good start, but my hormones are aiding my failure.

My morning sickness hasnt went away and I have a feeling it will be with me for the remainder of my pregnancy. Ladies...if you pray at all, will you please pray that my bestfriend makes it thru training and graduate with his platoon April 3rd. He is my world and I dont want to be without him any longer than I have to be. Thank you in advance!

His heart-