15-3-2009 - Feeling Alone

My mood while writing this blog: sad

I can't even begin to tell anyone how alone I feel. I don't even understand why I feel this way. I have my mom, and step family, I have my fiance who writes to me very often and I couldnt ask for a better man that can tell me how much he loves me. Im not sure if its his distance, if its because my ultrasound is coming up and I wanted him to be there to find out the sex of the baby or even if its because it has been entirely way too long to feel his arms around me and his lips against mine. I shouldnt feel as if Im alone because in 18 days we will be together again and then Ill be able to have the affection that I long for. But I don't feel 10 days is enough time. Im getting huge, the baby moves all day long and I just want him to experience what I am. Its all he asked for before we concieved. We even had the conversation of waiting to be able to be together so that he can experience everything, but really he hasnt seen anything. I send him pictures of myself, he tells me how much he loves me getting so big and all I want is his arms wrapped around me. Like that is my safety net. Why? Why do I need to have the physical if he is telling me how much he loves and misses me and wants to be here. I torture myself! I think of the days that we had together and I have never taken for granted anything that had to do with our relationship.

I guess Im more worried of becoming a military wife. Becoming a family that may not be as close as Id like it to be, but I know that emotionally we will be just as close. Im terrified of the situation, but Im so excited to jump head first into the unknown. I guess its because Ive always been considered a "risk taker" I just dont want it all to fall apart. This man means so much to me and to have a child together means so much more. I see couples tearing themselves apart and I dont want to become one of them. I have so much more strength than I give myself credit for. Unfortunatly, I show my emotions and I can't help it. There are so many wives out there that couldnt handle the military life and I don't want to fall into that category. And I shouldnt doubt that they ever loved eachother before deployement but I just dont understand how you can love someone so much and then go behind their back and have an affair when they are trying the best that they can to support not only his/her family but the country too. Its such an amazing responsibility to take care of children, but to take care of the country? I know Ill probably get quite a bit of "hate" from the women that have fell victim of adultry with a man in the US military. But, I just dont understand. Why would you hurt someone that you care so much about? Why would you make a name for yourself thru sexual desires instead of a career that your family can succeed from? Why put your children through that type of pain just to satisfy one craving that many women don't have a chance at having?

I am truly sorry for ranting this way. I know that it has been on my mind since the day I signed up to be a girlfriend to someone who wanted the military as his career. I have stood by him and will continue to stand by him till the day we die. I will not let someone else that has ruined their own life try to take mine down with theirs. Just because they were being selfish and needed a mans physical stature to make themselves feel good. I just dont want my man who is busting his ass to be someone for himself, me and our addition to have a lifestyle that most men and women share in the military. Adultry is a crime and I won't let him believe that its right. He has probably already discussed what its like to be away from your family and friends and what other women/men may be doing while he is away. I will probably be the only person he can trust for the rest of his life. And I have already stated that part of my vows and I will always vow to be that person in his life. Even if Im terrified that he may not be the same. I want to be the glue! I want to be better than anyone else that has been put thru this type of lifestyle. That is my strength, my beliefs! I just wish I had more support from women that HAVENT been unfaithful. I am blessed with a very good friend and she is married to a Marine. Just had a baby with him last year and she and I were very close before she married him. So I have my bestfriend! I just would like to hear more opinions, of people I can trust. This is a tough sport, and I will do whatever it takes to support the man of my dreams and father of our soon to be born baby.

Im sorry everyone for making this so long! Usually my blogs are kinda short! I guess I had more on my mind than I thought! I hope everyone is well and if you do happen to be in my shoes at the moment, feel free to contact me. Even if you were the one to make mistakes! Im not judging, Im just not understanding how its possible. Thanks for hearing me out today! Take care!