Yesterday I debated seriously why I belong to this site and why I made this page. Yesterday I had the beginning tests to analyze my health and fertility. Yesterday I cried all day...I'm terrified that I may not be able to have children.

I guess it's the classic case of not knowing how much you want something until you're told that it may not be a possibility for you. I find out the results of the tests on the 20th, although I may not have all the answers that day nor even a game plan for the future. At this point in time it's very hard for me to have hope.

Will I stay with John if I am 100% infertile? Probably not (wow, here comes the tears again). He really wants children and his parents already look down on his brother for marrying someone infertile. I wouldn't want to ruin his life with my problem. But then if I can never be a mother (and probably never a wife), where does that leave me for the future? Who can I be? Can I still be someone worthwhile?

Today it has been approx. 71 days since my last period, making me about 40 days late. BFN.

Tuesday February 12, 2008

I've been a bet better lately. Namely and probably because my best friend Jen is pregnant. She's 5 weeks in and I'm so incredibly happy for her. Next Thursday I get the results of those tests I took. (see above when I was in a very low place). Hopefully soon I can expect to also be expecting.

I had a dream last night I was carrying a baby. It was very odd...especially because I don't remember my dreams very often. I also had terrible cramps all evening -- they seem to come on every 20 or so days as if I should be getting AF.

I have a friend that was diagnosed with POS and had conceived a son shortly thereafter. I have also been reading the fertility forums on here and it's giving me a lot of hope. We booked our church tonight (Oct 11 @ 11am) so hopefully within a year I will be a wife and an expecting mother!

Today it has been approx. 75 days since my last period, making me about 43 days late. I was thinking of taking another test but I'm positive it will just amount to another BFN.

Wednesday February 13, 2008

I thought I'd share, I just saw on a profile: "how can you miss someone so much you haven’t even met?" Isn't that beautiful? And so true...

Still no AF but cramping and some weird pains like Ovulation. Hmmm, at this point who knows. Still not using birth control (sorta as per doctor's orders), which can be a worry sometimes if he "forgets' to pull out. 76 days since my last period and *maybe* 44 days late. And...240 days until my wedding. Yeah?? What! LOL.

Sunday February 17, 2008

I guess you could call this my "love letter" update. Something has changed in me as of late and I'm not exactly sure how to describe it. It's no secret that John and I have had our ups and downs. But on this, the eve of a new Canadian holiday called "family day", it is very clear to me that I am ready to marry and have children with him. He is my family. With him, I am home.

We went to church today and then spent some time at the hospital (his mother has breast cancer, and right now an infection that is reacting to her chemo). To say today has been difficult on him is an understatement. As soon as we got home he had a long nap (emotionally exhausted I think) but still he volunteered to run to the store and get me tuna so I could finish preparing dinner. He is always on my side and he takes care of me. He may not be the best financial provider but money is easy -- real affection is not.

I am happy and Wednesday we get the test results. If all goes according to plan, we will start trying mid August, be married in October, and be parents in May 2009. It feels so far away and yet so close. :)

80 days since my last period and *not* 48 days late. 236 days until my wedding. Thanks for being here with me for this journey. <3

So I had my big doctor’s appointment today. The one I’ve looked towards with dread. I should have saved the fear and saved time by just skipping it because now I’m more confused than ever and no closer to an answer.

This is what my tests revealed:

1. My sugar is high but still in normal levels so that means I am not diabetic but I am at risk for gestational diabetic when pregnant.

2. My testosterone is very high, and that is what is causing my excess hair growth, making my insulin high and probably means I have POS.

Notice I said "probably."

3. Then she said it's weird because I also have really high estrogen levels. Which is not normally associated with POS. She has no idea what could cause this.

She didn't like that I didn't have my period since I saw her last so she gave me a pill (not birth control) to bring it on. It is called Medroxyprogrestrone and as the name says, it is a form of the female hormone, Progrestin. I take that for 7 days and then I'm done. I should purge the menstrual blood then. If it don’t have my period again for 3 months, I take 7 more days worth of this pill. It just purges you, doesn’t do anything else and does not regulate you like the pill. If I am by some miracle, pregnant now, this will cause me to miscarry. But I took a test last night and got a BFN so I should be fine.

That’s it.

She had no other information nor prescriptions.

I had to really push her more more. She said if I want a baby I should loose weight. But she didn't foresee any difficulty. But if I have trouble conceiving I should go to a fertility clinic. I asked her if I should have an ultrasound to see if I really have POS or another test? Or like, something to fix or control the POS? She said no. I asked her if I should go back on the pill to regulate my cycle. She said no again because that "won't help with the weight loss." And then she asked me to come see her again in 6 months.

So I feel I am really no further ahead. Although I suppose it’s possible I’ve over estimated what an endocrinologist can really do. I was confused at first and then I was mad. I called my Mom and she suggested that I go and see our family doctor again. So I made an appointment for Friday and maybe she can refer me to someone else or send me for tests. If I have POS I want to know for sure, I want information and I want to do whatever I can to heal my body and hopefully conceive.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Does anyone have any advice?

So I saw my family doctor yesterday and she's great! She made me feel so much better.

She said that she’s glad that I came to her if I have concerns and that it’s okay for me to come to her at any time.

She gave me a referral to a gynecologist and questioned why the endocrinologist didn’t temporary put me back on birth control. She gave me the option to start taking Diane now or wait until I see the gynecologist. I elected to wait in case more tests are necessary.

She should get my test results from the endocrinologist early next week. She’s going to go over them and see if anything else pops out to her (stuff the endocrinologist may not have been looking for). She also said that she’d forward a copy of my tests to the gynecologist.

She explained what POS is and how a lot of people go on to have babies so not to worry. She said most people don’t even know they have it. So she has no reason to think I'll be unable to conceive.

She went over my BMI and the weight loss I’ve had over the past three months. She said to stick with it, that any weight loss is a good accomplishment especially if I have POS because there’s a lot of factors in play against me. She said ideally she’d like me to loose 50 lbs but for right now she suggests 25 lbs because it’s a small goal and will switch me over to the next BMI category. After that I can work on the next goal.

Then she thanked me again for having the comfort and confidence to talk to her about this and that she’d help me in any way possible.

So there you go ladies, if you have doubts, always go to a doctor you're comfortable and trust to discuss it with them. <3

Wednesday I finished the 7 day trial of progrestrone. I wonder how long it will take for my AF to visit. I know it won't be instant because on b/c it took 4 days off pills for AF to come, but I hope it is soon. I took a test tonight to see, yet another BFN.

So I guess it's 92 days since my last period, but now I'm only 5 days late...if you can count it as late.

Saturday March 8th, 2008

Still no withdrawl bleeding. After getting a faint positive reading on Wednesday (evap line?) I saw my doctor on Thursday and she sent me for a blood test. I called yesterday and they said the results should come in Monday/Tuesday. Which sucks because the lab is directly above the doctor's office. It would be a wonderful surprise to be pregnant, even though everywhere I read I get a different story on the birth defect effects of Progesterone. So here I am in my 2 day wait...I'll update you as soon as I hear anything.

Monday March 10th, 2008