30-10-2010 - Update (30.10.10)

My mood while writing this blog: relaxed

Thought I should update since my daughter is at her grandads tonight with her Dad and Ollie is fast asleep in my room so I actually have nothing to do (shock horror!)

I guess a lot has happened in the last few weeks....

Ollie is almost 5 months! I can't believe how much time has flown by! We are still EBF, no bottles and no pacifiers (not without trying!). He is such a boob man and loves him mum :)

Bonnie is almost 22 months (almost 2!) and she is really starting to talk now. She can string a few words together and its like she says a few new words everyday! She is so much fun and I love playing with her! I sometimes wish Ollie wasn't so demanding, because I really miss having play time with her. But we go do things everyday (except when she is in childcare) even if it's just going to the park for a short time.

I was put on anti-depressants a few months ago and it has made a HUGE difference in my life. I actually enjoy my children now. I know it's awful, but I was so miserable for such a long time, I just thought it was normal...that it would get better, but it didnt and I seemed to just put up with it. Now I actually really enjoy my life and I love taking the kids places, no matter how hard it is to get there by public transport, to see them have fun is all I want.

Chris and I recently split (only on Wednesday) I'm not sure if it's a final split, but I know that I couldn't put up with his drinking anymore. He put me through so much crap in the past and it made me mad when he decided after a year to drink again. I have lost all trust in him and even if he is only having "one drink" as he says, I dont believe him, and I dont want to feel anxiety and anger when he comes home and I know he's been drinking. Now I dont have to worry about it, and he does more now than he did when we were together? It's weird, it's like suddenly he wants to be this "active dad" whereas before I just did everything. So I'm quite happy with the split to be honest. I think he needs to figure out what he wants in life and so do I. We hardly knew each other when we became pregnant with Bonnie and all we've have is each other for so long, I think we've forgotten who we are and we seem to just bring each other down. We get along better when we're not living together. Maybe we will get back together but I think for now, we need time apart. Chris's is living at his Dads and I'm living at home. He comes after work and feeds and showers bonnie and puts her to bed, just like he normally does. Only difference is he doesnt sleep here and he isnt here for half an hour in the morning. I hope it isnt impacting too much on Bonnie...we're not angry at each other or anything...

Anyway, I'm so in love with my kids, it's like I've "woken up" from my depression and I'm realising how lucky I am.

Here are a few photos :)

She loves him :)

<3

My beautiful girl

My handsome boy at 19 weeks

Sleeping beauties

Ollie is on the left and Bonnie is on the right (both taken when they were about 4 months old) haha

Love Bonnie's smile :)

Might have a thumbsucker on my hands! Taken today (30.10.10) I got my hair done :)