03-9-2008 - Weight gainnn and feeling SHlT

My mood while writing this blog: powerless

I know I should stop getting to hung up about my weight, but this is how I feel so I want to talk about.

So this is my weight gain so far....

Pre-pregnancy - 56kg (123lbs)

12 weeks - 58kg (128lbs)

17 weeks - 60kg (132lbs)

19 weeks - 62kg (136lbs)

21 weeks - 63kg (139lbs)

(almost) 24 weeks - 64kg (141lbs)

Total weight gain so far - 18lbs

I feel really depressed, unattractive and fat. I know weight gain is normal and that I need to gain weight to look after my growing baby. But I never thought it would be so much so fast. I feel so out of control. I've always had body issues even before I was pregnant and would get upset over gaining 1kg let alone 8 kg!! It's so upseting. I don't fit into any of my clothes and I can't afford to go buy new ones because I'm unemployed and poor and have to rely on my boyfriend for everything and there is nothing I can do about it. If anyone says I should go look for a job I'll kill them because I look for jobs every fortnight, so it's not like I'm just lazy and dont want to work (plus I also study 3 days a week at university) ANYWAY, I just wish I could shake this feeling and just enjoy being pregnant, but everytime I look in the mirror I cry because I'm terrified I will never lose this weight and I'll end up being this fat young mother that everyone will look at and say to themselves "See, thats why you shouldn't have kids young" I know its selfish and stupid to be so obsessed with myself, but I've never had to think about anyone else and I don't want to give up all the things I do to make myself feel good, like getting my hair done and buying clothes because I'm not naturally pretty and will just be gross. Blah. I'm so pathetic I hate it. I have everything I need but no matter what I have I'm always unhappy with how I look. Its been this way for so long and being pregnant hasn't made it go away, if anything, its made it a little worse since I'm powerless. For anyone who has had body issues and anything like that, I think you'd understand what I mean when I say that food controls your life, I used to think about everything I ate and if I ate too much for lunch I would have a cup of tea for dinner. Sometimes I would go all day without eating or only drink coffee and smoke so I wouldn't feel hungry. I guess this baby has made me healthy, but right now I'd rather be unhealthy and skinny than healthy and fat...Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting myself in any danger, I eat healthy and walk 4-5 times a week and I wouldnt do anything to hurt my baby. It's just such a struggle...

I dont know what else to write, I'm just rambling on about crap and will stop.