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25-8-2009 - Wow I didn\'t know the past can still hurt

My mood while writing this blog: kinda sad

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I was at the doctor's office this morning and I started thinking about my mom so I text my brother and asked did she breastfeed me when I was a baby since he has good memories of his child hood. He told me that I was born in April of 1981 and our mother left us in June of 1981. My father told me that she left when I was 6 months old. Well I don't know if I can ever get the dates right of when she left, but my brother told me she did not breastfeed me. All of a sudden I just wanted to sit there and cry but I held the tears back. So I finally realize why I can't get a bond with my mom. Not only because of the breastfeeding, but because she was never in my life. Me and my mother are talking again, but its not like a mother/daughter relationship, more like a friendly thing. Seems like no matter how hard I try to make myself think she is my mother, deep down inside its impossible.

My father and Grandma raised me and I look at my grandma more as a mother than my own mother. I guess you can say that is normal seeing that she was the only mother figure in my life, but I hate to see my mom get drunk and beat herself up about the past. I just don't want to hear about the past anymore. Her and my father both talk behind each others back and they are no longer together. My mom got married to another guy and she had two more children by him. I can go on and on but I don't want this blog to be side track. Anyways, is it normal to feel this way about my mom? I still feel hurt but I know deep down inside I need to move on and worry about my own family.

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6 Comments on Wow I didn\'t know the past can still hurt


saraandgabriel - Sunday, 6 Sep
i'm sorry... i sort of know how you feel, i grew up with out my dad and i always wished he was with me but when i finally met him i learned that i could do just fine without him. i think in the end you'll be a better mom because of your experience so hold your head up high and look forward to meeting your baby.

ymmfreshstart - Tuesday, 25 Aug
I think it is totally normal to still feel hurt. As you bond with your baby, you will feel it more I think and you mother will watch you and know how much she missed. I will never understand how anyone can walk out on their own child, but I also don't know how they can stay and do the things they do. My mom tried to sell me on the highway for beer when I was 13, she allowed her ex-husband to beat me, she did a lot of really horrible things I won't even mention right now, but I try to tell myself that my mom was the best mom she was capable of being. Maybe walking out on you was the best thing she could have done for you. You may not like that she left and missed your life, but it made you who you are and you seem like a pretty great person. If your mom had raised you, you wouldn't be who you are and you wouldn't have the life you do. Thank God for always being there and that He knew what was best. Everything in our lives is a piece of the puzzle that makes the picture our lives become. You are a real masterpiece.

mommyofharmony - Tuesday, 25 Aug
I really can understan though I'm close with my mom my dad left me when I was about 6 months after trying to kidknap me first. He moved on to have 3 other kids and raised them like a real father and his children want nothing to do with me even though this is they're first neice. He doesn't answer my calls and tells me to stop calling him as if I'm another woman.. its really painful and makes me feel like less than a person sometimes. But now that we are bringing lives into the world we can learn from there mistakes and give our children everything we did not have god puts us to things for a reason. You will be a great mom because of this I belive that!

Kelkari - Tuesday, 25 Aug
I am so sorry that you didin't have a close relationship with your mother. Thankfully, your grandmother was their to fill those shoes. I am sure that it is perfectly normal for you to have a whole host of emotions and feelings regarding your mother - all which are justified and normal. As a soon to be mother, harnass all of the qualities you would have loved to have been given to you from your mother and focus them on your son.

fortysomething - Tuesday, 25 Aug
I think its normal to feel this way especially because you never had a close/real mother and daughter relationship with her. Only time and her proving she is there for you now will break down that wall you have built up. I can't say I understand because my mom raised me, but sometimes seeking professional counseling about the issue truly helps you let go of all those issues. As long as you don't focus too much time and energy on her and most of it on your family you should be okay.

mommy-ofa-boy - Tuesday, 25 Aug
i think its normal, you must feel betrayed im mean especially that she had other children i would feel the same way. my father met the man who raped me then moved half across the us and still to this day i feel betrayed and left but i still call him and now that we live in the same state see each other periodiclly i want my son to know where i came from even if he wasnt a major part, i hope you get some emotional reilf