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04-11-2008 - update

My mood while writing this blog: ok

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It has been ages since I have posted anything so thought I'd pour my heart.
After 16 weeks my episotimy healed. It is the pits. I need surgery to have it repair as at the moment the opening to my vagina is MUCH bigger than it should be. As well as that I developed a hernia from my ectopic surgery which is why I had such an odd shape when pregnant. So I need 2 surgeries to fix everything. I have had so many appointments at the hospital. At the last one I disscussed pregnancy and how it would affect my body the way that it is now and also post op. The doctor said I would have to have a c-section if I have my perianium fixed but the hernia op would be fine. To be honest I have been through so much I don't trust them. How many woman of breeding age have been through all of this? Apparently my hernia will be no worse in another pregnancy than it was with Toby. On top of all of this we have just moved from Christchurch to New Plymouth> So I have to start on waiting lists all over again....joy.
Jim and I have been having some long chats. I think I would rather leave C-sections for emergencies. There were time when my hernia was painful with Toby but I know what I'm in for. So Jim and I decided that we would start trying around christmas. It took us ages to concieve Toby. But if we by some miracle got knocked up straight away then we would have an 18 month age gap.
Then after I could have my surgeries and get them both done at once.

The move is kind of hard, I feel very alone. I am trying to go to music groups and meet people as I know no body. I have been really naughty and have been feeling emotionally empty so have been eating to fill the void.....never a good idea. It will get better, I just hate transition. We moved for a job for Jim. He got depressed after Toby was born and so the move and job are for him. Hopefully he will be happy and then life will be nicer for me to.

It's hard sometimes, no one told me that being a Mum would be like this. I feel like I look after everything for Toby, and I look afetr everything for Jim, but who is looking after me.

Oh another reason that I haven't been updating is that I returned to work when Toby was 12 weeks. I quit to move and am not intending on working up here as I don't need too. But I feel like I have l;ost some self worth as I no longer contribute to the house hold......it's tuff getting your head around it when you have always worked.

all in all I'm ok, just trying to process who I am now.
Does everyone go through stuff like this?

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3 Comments on update


manda-may - Tuesday, 11 Nov
Oh Hells, you sure put on a brave face most of the time don't you??!! Here you are ringing me and making sure i am all right, and you just keep on struggling on with your own troubles! I am sending you all of my love darling! I know you will make friends quickly because of the person you are and because once people know you they love you! So nice to read the other comments on your blog - there are definitely others who know how you feel. I say take a moment to have a big bawl (cause you are definitely allowed one.. or ten.. after all you have been through) and then remember that we love you and hopefully we will get to see you soon! Remember that once Jim starts doing his 2 weeks away thing you should take us up on our offer and come and stay with us for a week or two! What's one more baby in the house when we already have twins! tee hee! And it would be just lovely to have you! I miss you! Anyway, just know that I am thinking of you (and tobes) and I know I'm not the only one who thinks youre doing a fantastic job with Toby, are a great mum, and also a great friend! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Love Manda (... and the boys!)

nikkinu - Wednesday, 5 Nov
Hi
Gosh you have had a hard time! So sorry that things have been so crap! Its definatley a hard road being a mother and i think everyone has their down times. I sure do! But at least im in my hometown with all my family so its a little easier. Im a comfort eater too! I try get outdoors as much as i can and when i do exercise it makes me feel healthy so in turn i eat alot better. I also am not working and earn no money for the family and at times i feel just a little alone and wish i could have my own money instead of spending karls all the time! I had a third degree tear which means i tore from my vagina to my bum! I had surgery to fix it but i dont think i will evr be the same! We are also tossing up the idea of trying for another baby at xmas! Ahhh.
I hope things start to pick up for you and im sure they will just remember your not alone and we all beat ourselves up over the small things in life and its so easy to dwell on the negative sides, but try be positive and smile because life is to short to be sad!!!
Toby is beautiful! x x x

Nemma - Wednesday, 5 Nov
So sorry to hear how you are feeling, so didn't realise how hard you were finding things. I'm so sure it will only take you 5 minutes to make some new friends where you are, you have such an easy going and friendly personality which appeals to people - look at us, worked together for a day and have been great friends since then! Plus your old friends are coming to visit one day soon - if her baby ever decides to GET OUT!
Try to remember that even though you not bringing in any dollars, you are doing an amazing job at being mummy to Toby. He is such a beautiful wee man who you have done an amazing job with. I totally admire the way you do things and would love to be half the mummy you are.
Make sure you keep in touch, talking is one of teh best ways to make you feel better (I should take my own advice sometimes!)
Thinking of you, lots of love Emma xx