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02-10-2009 - Post-Partum

My mood while writing this blog: upset

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I feel so alone. For 2 years we have been trying to have a baby. We had a devastating loss at 22 weeks with our first baby and I felt a tremendous empty feeling afterward but just assumed that it was due to grieving. I had no idea that I would feel that way again after giving birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl. The guilt is killing me! I look at her and feel so bad because she deserves to have a happy Mommy. But for some reason, I can't give her that. I cry all the time and feel like I'm grieving the loss of a baby all over again. I go into her nursery and have pains in my heart as if she's never going to use it. I miss talking to all of you ladies on the forum in our "week". I just want to be pregnant again and know that everything is ok. Getting up every 2 hours is really starting to take a toll on me. I just want to be happy again...

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8 Comments on Post-Partum


emilyz77 - Friday, 9 Oct
I will keep yyou in my prayers. I suffer from depression and it will get better sweetie.. xoxoxoxo

Shellie77 - Monday, 5 Oct
I know exactly how you are feeling. For me - having a loss like you have as well, it drives up the expectation of what it's like to be a mom. It was supposed to be nothing but joy and love. But the lack of sleep, trying to figure out why he's crying, feeling like the unconventional bond I was supposed to feel from him is just not there yet it seems. Our pediatrician told us when we saw him before Sebastian was born that the first 4 weeks are very difficult because you are just a provider to him. He said unfortunately you just have to pull through it and when he smiles AT YOU for the first time, you finally feel like all this is worth it. I love him more than anything, but sometimes I just wish all this felt like what I thought it would be, but I know it will come..it's just hard waking up all night and staying up for hours trying to get him to sleep and trying to soothe him when he cries. Its damn tough, but we will make it. If you do continue to feel really bad though, definitely talk to your OB. They can help!

1st baby on the way-411 - Saturday, 3 Oct
I too went through the same thing the first weeks and I'm still kinda feeling low-the lack of sleep really doesn't help. Also not being able to have a schedule screwed things up for me because I'm the type of person where I like everything in it's place and things are defianlty out of sorts right now. Just tell your husband what your going through and maybe he can take some time off from work and help you out during the day-that's what my husband did and it really helped! Things will get better-if you ever need to talk I'm here, I log on everyday still :o) Good luck xoxo

kickboxerbaby - Saturday, 3 Oct
2 years before having Isabell I had lost my first daughter Cheyenne. I had just found out what I was having when I miscarried. After having Bell I began to feel very empty. Not just on the inside but outside as well. I know what your going through. It is so hard because you feel guilty for feeling this way and guilty if you don't. But you will get through this. I know you love your baby... That's undeniable. Sometimes it helps if you can get someone to come and help you during the day with baby so you can nap. Getting some extra sleep helps relieve some of the stress you are feeling. Also talking about what your feeling really does help. Your not alone. If it gets worse please don't hesitate to talk to someone. Anyone. your OB, any one of us here, a friend or family member or even a counselor. You have to remember you are still full of hormones that you can't control. It will be ok. Hugs to both you and baby.

Mommy2anArmyBrat - Friday, 2 Oct
oohhh hun!! i feel your pain! I think its the lack of sleep and the feedings and always feeling needed and wanting something SSSOOO BADLY and now you have it you are unsure of quite WHAT TO DO with it.. lol we also suffered a loss and tried for a year. and now everything i always wanted is sleeping on my chest.. cause if i lay her down she will scream bloody murder lol i love her!! but just remember you are sssooo loved. and your heart will forever beat outside your body and will love you endlessly forever. but it will get easier. it just takes adjusting to the new life style and all its glory! :) like changing her diaper 3 times in a ROW!! ughh lol :)

alwaysblessed - Friday, 2 Oct
I hope you feel better soon. I know alot of mothers go through this. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Talk to your doctor and let them know how you are feeling. You deserve to be happy!

kingsmommy - Friday, 2 Oct
you are not alone, I'm going through the same thing right now. My daughter was born Sept 19th, and there hasn't been 1 day that has gone by that I haven't bawled my eyes out. I also have a 16 month old little boy and I feel horrible for my irritableness toward them. I just went to my doctor and they put me on Zoloft, but it will take 2-3 weeks to kick in. I hope you have the strength to talk to your doctor about it. Feel free to message me whenever, it always makes me feel better to know that someone else really understands what I'm going through.

niccig - Friday, 2 Oct
just wanted to leave a *BIG HUG* for you.....I know you dont know me...and I cant begin to imagine how you feel losing a baby. But, I can identify with depression I have delt with it for 17 years...All I can offer is maybe you could talk with a doctor about this and weather talking or medication can help you try your best to give your newborn the love that you desperately wanted to share with your first child.....she needs you...you are her WHOLE world...and THAT has to makes your heart fill in a small void that is apparently still there. Your not forgetting the life you once carried for 22 weeks.....your celebrating the life that was strong enough and healthyenough to make it and needs you more than anyone in the world! I am thinking about you and yours...... Please take care....Nicci