08-5-2009 - Do I go with my Gutt Instinct????

My mood while writing this blog: Unsure

Ok I'm looking for a little advice on how I should handle this. Many of you know my situation between myself & Evan's dad Steve. Well here's my new problem or issue, or maybe it's not and I'm driving myself crazy thinking to much...IDK???

Steve has stepped up to the whole dad thing, which is a good thing for Evan. I don't have an issue with that part. I have an issue with the fact of Steve not believing me about Evan being his. He did his paternity test and guess what it came back 99.9%. I think it's great that he is finally claiming Evan don't get me wrong. But now all of sudden he wants to change Evan's last name, he wants to be put on the birth certificate. This wouldn't be a problem if he would have just accepted the fact that I didn't/haven't slept with anyone other than him for the past 13 years. And the other thing about him not signing the birth certificate....he had his mom tell me when I was filling out Evan's information for it...he didn't have the balls to tell me himself. And now all of a sudden he wants me to change everything.

Once he got the results he has been great about coming and seeing his little boy, he calls everyday to find out how he's doing, he's came and picked him up 3 times now to spend the day with him. All of that is great except for the fact that I'm not welcome over his house....I don't know how much longer I can just sit back and not say anything about that. Another thing that really bothers me is the fact that I'm not allowed to call him when he has Evan.....for god sake I'm this baby's mother. He treats this situation like a divorce with visitation.....we we're never married....hell half the time we weren't even together. Anyways last sunday Steve came and picked Evan up at noon so I could catch up on sleep. That was completely fine and all, I told him I'd come pick him up later. I thought everything was fine until he said we'll be at my moms and by the way Bev will be with us. Now here's the thing, I don't have a problem with him going to his moms, hell I love the woman to death. I don't really have a problem with Bev that much anymore, well that's not true. I didn't have a problem until I walked in on sunday. I had sent Steve a text (because keep in mind I can't call) telling him I would be there in an hour. Well I get there and I felt like I had walked in on one big happy family get together that I wasn't allowed to be at. I had never in our 15 year friendship felt soooooooooo freakin out of place. I was totally not welcome by any of them, which really hurt my feelings. And the sad part about it was that I was there to pick up my son. So yesturday(thrursday) Steve came by to see Evan....no big deal, right? He's here for about 20 mins and asked if Evan can stay the night tomorrow(friday). Now this is where I want to follow my gutt instinct and tell him no, but yet I really honestly can't because no matter what Evan is his baby also. This is turning into I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. So after awhile of thinking about it I tell him yes he can stay. (Basically because I need Steve to understand and see what it's like taking care of a baby overnight not just a couple of hour through the day). Well he came after work at 6 o'clock to pick Evan up. My stomach sank, I felt like I was going to get sick.

Don't get me wrong ladies. I completely trust Evan with Steve. There is no dought in my mind at all about that. I just can't stand the way Steve is treating me. He is treating me like I'm just the person who gave birth to his child. I wouldn't even call it friends anymore. Actually he's treating me like a complete stranger who just happens to have his baby boy. Yesturday was the first day in 3 weeks that he finally asked how I was doing. That shocked me. My gutt is telling me to stop the visits because of how I'm being treated. I have no clue who is taking care of Evan when he has him. It does bother me that Bev is there. She had made a couple comments on sunday that I really didn't like...pertaining to Evan. Now I understand that I can't change how things are. But I don't think I should have to hear all about Steve,Bev and Evan going shopping, taking naps, her feeding him, her buying things for him. They are comments that she should not be making to me. I'm the mom not her.

This is where the problem comes into play. If I say anything to Steve about how I'm feeling about how he's treating me he'll just deny it. If I mention Bev's name at all he gets all attitude about it, I'm not allowed to say her name because that makes me a jealous person. I guess in some way I am jealous because she has taken someone who I thought would never hurt me. This new Steve is someone who I don't kow at all. But what neither of them will understand I don't have the same feelings towards him anymore. He broke me and I never thought he'd do that to me, so how could I still have the same feelings towards him. He broke something that really worked and now I have this baby that is stuck in the middle. And my gutt keeps telling me to stop it all and I can't.

Sorry this went on and on but I can't sleep-----even though I'm exhausted. I need some advice from someone. This is killing me and I'm trying real hard to be fair to everyone involved.....myself, Evan, Steve, and his mom......I could care less about Bev.