01-1-2009 - not even the grand canyon could hold all my tears

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

so, it's been almost 3 weeks since peyton's been gone. everybody keeps saying it'll get easier but honestly, they're full of crap. every day is harder than the one before. it never seems like i can catch a break. every time i try to go out and do something to get out of the house, it sems like there's a baby every single time i turn around and i can feel my heart breaking each time i see one. last sunday we went over to our friend's house that we met in childbirth classes and they had their son, hunter, 5 days after peyton was born. as soon as i looked at him when we walked in their house, i started bawling. it never really hit me after she was here that i was a mom. i couldn't believe that i could be part of bringing something so perfect into the world. i loved seeing that smile and hearing that laugh and watching her splash around in the bath tub. even though she was only 2 1/2 months old, she'd already started rolling over. so many thoughts go through my head as to why this had to happen to me. like, was i not a good enough mother? was it karma catching up with me for being frustrated with her reflux? it's just so hard not to blame myself for all of it especially knowing that if i would've just held her for those 20 mins she was in her crib, i'd still be able to look into those big blue eyes everyday.

we stayed with my family for a couple weeks after it happened. we came back the day after christmas. when we came back, we had to talk to a detective and child protective services separately and retell them everything. when they asked if casey [my fiance] was abusive, i told them he had his moments when he was angry and that on a few occasions, i'd locked myself in the bathroom to avoid him and once, he knocked the door in because i wouldn't get out. then he started screaming right in my face so hard that spit was flying out of his mouth so i slapped him to get him away from me and when i walked by him to leave the bathroom, he shoved me across the hall into the wall. i was worried i was too honest with the detective because he said he didn't have a choice but to turn casey in even though i didn't press charges. now, i feel like the whole investigation is more concerned with casey and my problems rather than finding out what happened to my baby. come to find out, they already knew before the interview about the problems we'd been having. i posted a blog on myspace telling all about it because i wanted my dad to know and was too afraid to call him and since he's on my friends list, i knew he'd read it. speaking of which, if any of you ladies would like to stay in touch, my myspace is www.myspace.com/krissyrye i doubt if i'll be on here much since it's so hard but would absolutely love to stay in touch with you. add me if you'd like ...

but i guess what i wish someone would've told me, is to love your baby unconditionally. i mean, don't get me wrong - i loved that little girl more than life and i know everyone on here loves their babies too but i mean, don't get frustrated too easily. hold them every second you can. be happy for those 4 and 5 am feedings that you have to force yourself out of bed for sometimes. you never know when something may happen like it did with us. and even if nothing happens, your babies are only babies for so long. not long from now, holding them in your arms will just be a memory. i'm so glad i never listened to casey's sister when she said 'peyton's a momma's girl. you need to put her down more often because crying's good for them.' she was my little girl. and yes, she was a momma's girl. she knew my voice and always looked around for me when someone else held her and smiled. the day she was born the nurse was checking her heartbeat and i started talking to casey about something and the nurse said her heartbeat sped up and that it meant she knew who was talking. i've been reliving every day of the last 3 months the best i can because i want to hold onto those memories for as long as possible. i hope and pray none of you take the time you have with your little ones for granted.

oh yes and one more thing that totally pissed me off...all you ladies who reported the picture of my baby. she's still my baby whether she's alive or not. i got a message from the lady that runs this site and said that a lot of you've turned the picture in saying that it was emotionally upsetting. did you ever think to yourself 'gosh i wonder if pictures of my happy baby who i get to see everyday might be upsetting to those who've lost one?' no i dont think you did. it's just as upsettting for all of us who've lost babies to see yours as it is for you to see ours that are gone. nobody asked you to look at the pictures just like nobody asked to look at yours. just because she's not breathing doesn't make her any less my baby. i know there's a policy against the pictures on this site but i thought there was enough support from everyone on here that i didn't have to worry about it and i sure as hell didn't think i'd have to worry about being told that i was emotionally upsetting people. quite frankly, i think it's bullshit and if you're one of the ones that complained, then don't talk to me anymroe because you obviously aren't the kind of support i need through this.