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20-2-2009 - just existing;; not yet living

My mood while writing this blog: ...

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so, it's been just a little over 2 months since we lost peyton. i'll be honest, we're not any better at all. in fact, things between casey and i have gotten worse. we've been fighting more over the stupidest stupidest things. my doctor doubled my xanax and zoloft perscriptions to help cope with the depression and horrible nightmares ive had. like, last night, i had a dream that she was in the casket crying for me because she was hungry but it was after the funeral and i couldnt get to her. they get so gruesome though. last week i had one that we dug her up and opened the caset to hold her and it was so fory i dont even want to get into it ... it's just soooo hard. we got the autopsy report back last friday. needless to say, it was a total waste of paper. it says 'although peyton was found surrounded by emesis, the amount of gastric material in the airways at autopsy was not substantial. medical records describe 'copious amount of thick white vomit' suctioned from peyton, although breath sounds secondary to manual ventilation were reported to be audible prior to removal of this material. it cannot be determined with sufficient confidence if the vomit was the cause of death of a terminal event related to another unrelated condition. the inflammation in the lungs was not due to the emesis and was not to an extent that ordinarily would be sufficient to cause the death of an infant. it is unclear to what degree, if any, this emesis, the mild lung inflammation and peytons prone position contributed to her death.' this whole thing basically said that even as much vomit that they suctioned out of her lungs at the ER and her inflammed lungs, she was still making breathing sounds when we took her in. that doctor didn't do crap to save her. they didn't try very long at all to keep her. it upsets me so bad that in the ER and autopsy reports it says that she was making breathing sounds and the doctor comes in and says there wasnt anything they could do. UGH. they're calling it SIDS but i feel like that's just a cop out. i dont feel like anyone did the job they shouldve to save my baby or to find out what happened. i think everyones just covering each others asses. even as hard as it is, i feel like i'm ready to have another baby. i miss having something that i helped to created with my own body around me everyday. i miss taking care of something 24/7. the only thing holding me back is that casey still refuses to remotely deal with the situation. he hardly talks about it or anything. but deep down, i know that if we had another one, i'd be trying to make the new baby into peyton its entire life and that's not fair. i'm always always always going to wonder what would've been. my family's not ready for it either. peyton was the first great grandchild on my side of the family and they cherished taht little girl. there wasnt a single thing that a baby could ever need that she didn't have. tonight casey and i went to a basketball game at the college we met at and i swear, there were 4 little baby girls that came in and every single one of them looked like peyton in one way or another. these days, i try not to leave the house to go to places like the grocery store or anything like that. i hate running into mothers and their babies. i thought it'd be easier by now but it's not. i dont know.....i guess im just a mess these days. i only really leave home to go to class and clinicals. i graduate from nursing on feb 23rd tho. then i can start working. today i pre applied for a surgical nurses position in houston, texas. i know it's like literally at the opposite end of the country but maybe it'll be good for us. i just want things to finally come easy for casey and i. nothing ever has. maybe it will someday ... probably not but it's something to hope for.

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1 Comments on just existing;; not yet living


mommy537743 - Friday, 20 Feb
i dont even kno what to say because i cant even remotly put myself in your shoes! you are an amazing women a very strong women to be able to make it through that! i will prey for you! stay strong if not for yourself for peyton cause she is watching over you and you will be with her one day!!! im here for you if you ever need anything!! i live in texas...its a really great place!!
-jess