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11-3-2009 - nothin but a smile on my face

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

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so today, casey told me he was ready to try to have another baby. before you jump to conclusions, we're ready, we're not trying to replace peyton or anything like that and trust me, we've both done a considerable amount of talking and thinking about this decision. we've accepted what happened to peyton. we know this will never bring her back nor will anything else we or anyone else does. we've simply come to terms over it and while we'll never be completely over losing such a huge part in our lives, we're ready and fully capable of everything that'll come along with it. we know and understand it's going to be hard and we probably won't sleep much in fear that something will happen to the new baby if and when we conceive. i might not have a baby right now but i definitely still have my motherly instincts and i will do anything and everything in my power to keep this baby safe. while the autopsy from peyton says it was sids, i still blame myself and i'll be damned if i let something like that happen again. of course raising another baby, i'll wonder if peyton would look the same as a toddler, act the same as a teenage and be involved in the same things as the new baby. im not closing the book on peyton. we're just making a new chapter. my maid of honor [who i love and respect and adore and take everything into consideration] was the same person i went to when casey and i started talking about having peyton before we got pregnant with her. she says we should wait until we're married. while i agree, i still want a baby now. maybe we'll move the wedding up i dont know but what i do know is that i will love the new baby just as much as i loved my baby peyton. even though she was only here for 10 weeks, she changed my life as well as casey like nobody will ever know. i never knew it was possible to love someone so much that you just met but i want nothing more than to have that feeling again. i miss being a mom just as much as casey misses being a dad. so all im asking is that everyone not question our intentions nor our decisions as we decide to take the chance of having our hearts broken again by having another baby. i've talked to my grandma about it [and if you knowme at all, you know how much i need her guidance] and she was so happy when i told her i was ready to have another but casey wasn't. so please if all you're going to do is criticize the fact that i want a family to raise and to be a mother again, seriously then fuck off. you obviously don't understand how grateful i would be to have a baby and to love it every day. this is our life and every decision we've made together so far has been amazing as far as an outcome. we're ready to finally take the chance again to have a family back.

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6 Comments on nothin but a smile on my face


*lilygracesmummy* - Sunday, 12 Apr
im like becky i also check up on u from time to time. we went through the journey of being pregnant together and i was devastated when Peyton died. You deserve not to be judged by anyone...no one can understand exactly what u have been through and if ttc is right for you then i'm happy for you. i personally thought that when u said in a previous blog that u could never have another child that it would be a shame as i think u r such a warm and loving person but if u had decided not to ttc i would've supported that too. i wish u and casey all the best for the future and i know that peyton will always play a huge part in ur lives but it's time for u to make some more happy memories now. good luck x

carleesmom - Saturday, 4 Apr
Don't listen to anyone else about if you should try for another baby or not. When my husband and I lost Carlee, we had several people tell us that we should wait a while to try again. No one knows when you're ready, except the two of you. So if you are ready, go for it. We just had our little girl Lexie on March 10th, and I'm so happy we decided to try again. It definitely will not take away the pain of losing your baby girl, but it does help with the hole in your heart a little bit. Carlee would have been a year old today. Well if you ever need to talk, please feel free.

whosyourmama - Friday, 3 Apr
hello I've read some of your blogs and all I can say is that you still are a mother that will never be taken from you the only difference is she in heaven. i've lost me son Joshua at 23 weeks due to pre term labor and there's not a day i don't think about him i know he will always be in our family and in my hearts. don't pay no attention to those who can not respect your decision to have another child no one could ever imagine the pain we have been through un less they too have lost a child. i wish you and your hubby lots of luck keep your faith and all will prevail.....

EmmaReed84 - Tuesday, 24 Mar
You will be an absolutely fantastic mother. All the luck in the world with TTC. Someone I know lost a child from sids, and she gave birth to her 2nd child 14 months later. She still talks about her angel and every year on her b/day they release balloons for her, one for each year. They always talk her 2nd about about her sister. She is now 4 and talks to an imaginary friend...her sister. At first it brought a tear to my friends eye, and she felt sad because she pictured them actually playing. But she is pleased that over 5 years on she is still alive in the hearts of everyone who loved her.

becky-wheatman - Tuesday, 17 Mar
I read your post when Peyton passed away and it broke my heart. I check in on you from time to time (does that make me a stalker??!) just to see how you're doing and I think it's wonderful that you want to try for another baby. Being a mum is an incredible thing, why wouldn't you want it again? I wish you all the luck in the world x

nerdyangel84 - Thursday, 12 Mar
Congrats on wanting another baby and good luck! You'll be a great mommy again and by no means are you replacing peyton. No one can and no one ever will! I'll be thinking about you! :)