25-8-2009 - life\'s seriously going down the crapper

My mood while writing this blog: ugh

so my dh is in jail for something completely ridiculous. he had a minor run in with the law last fall when he was with one of his friends and another right after we lost peyton because the police found out he pushed me a whole 3 feet and a huge domestic violence case came out of that and i didn't even press charges. in all fairness, i slapped him first so it's not like he was beating on me or something. anyways. apparently because we've been soooo tight on cash lately for paying bills and the funeral off, we had to not pay a few things. one of them including his fines from the trouble with his friends. he's been putting in so many extra hours at work that he never had time to do the community service. i haven't been working because i took time off when we had peyton and i never went back because we were already talkign about trying for another. according to the court, they sent him a paper saying he had a court date in the mail to appear before a judge for not doing his community service. let me tell you, i double check every single piece of mail that comes to our house and it NEVER came. so my dh is stuck in jail until i can come up with over $1000 to get him out. without working, who knows how long that'll be. we live in a college town because that's where we met and with an extra 15,000 people in your town, jobs are pretty hard to come by. im just so scared. i'll get his check next week but i have bills to pay and after that, im screwed. my parents want me to move back home but i hate to do that because i feel like i'd be failing at being an adult. im scared and can't sleep. last night i'd sleep for 20 or 30 mins then lay awake for an hour and i've been literally worrying myself sick about him. i love him and just want to have him back home. i mean, i even went to an employment service today to get a fast job and some quick cash but even then i have to wait till october 5th to even have my 'testing' to see what skills im the best at. do i really need that? im a college grad with a degree i just want my husband home. ugh.

my family doesnt know i'm pregnant yet because the 2 miscarriages we've had since peyton died have hurt them soooo much. i want to wait till we have an ultrasound to make sure everyone's ok. my grandma's taking me on a huge shopping spree for my bday and we're staying in a hotel. how am i going to play it off like i can't go in the hot tub? i saw what hot tubs do to babies in one of my medical classes. omg it literally explodes the baby because hot tubs relax you by expanding blood vessels and too much blood goes to the baby. and i honestly just feel like a crappy mom cuz my husband doesnt have a job and neither do i. everytime we've been pregnant was planned and i feel like we made a bad choice. im so scared of being one of those parents who cant provide for their own kids.