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|09-8-2011 - All about ME!
||My mood while writing this blog:|
All about me! Seriously, me!
Hi Ya chickens,
How are all my yummy mummies out there? Hope you are all
well! Thank you all for periodically checking in on me, I really do appreciate
your kind thoughts.
So, here it is, my blog update! I am just going to blurt
most of it out as it comes, in no particular order. I hope it makes sense and
please no judgement, I am going to say things I've not told anyone, but in this
forum, with you beautiful ladies, I feel it's OK to say!
The reality of losing Daniel has hit me, I knew it wouldn't
be long. I am always upbeat and positive but I just sat back the other day and
thought fuck, if this bone marrow transplant doesn't work then I will be a
single mum raising our little bubba on my own. OK, so I understand that medical
advancement has come so far and continues to improve. I mean the treatment Dan
is on at the moment is only 2 years old, it's a brand new discovery. And, yes,
I know that statistical data is very old (usually about 7 years behind) and
encompasses a whole range of differing circumstances, but still, from what I
have read and what I know from the previous 2 times he has had this, this
treatment is like our last hope!
I just look at my man every day and think WTF. What have we
done to deserve this 3 times?! I do not believe in god and it is for this
reason! Why punish me, my amazing husband and our unborn child? In fact ladies
(I am sorry) but if god truly exists then I want to meet him in a bar so I can
throw a drink in his face and shout to him FUCK YOU!
I know, I know, we are never given anything in this universe
that we are not equipped to handle but C'mon, I think we have paid our Karma
debt 3 fold now, it's time to leave us alone .... If only I knew what a bitch
Karma really was when I stole that $50 out of my dad's wallet when I was 17! I
swear, I'd never have kissed my friends boyfriend in year 10 if I knew this was
going to be the karmic retribution life served me!
Ahhh ok, that rant is over! What makes this time so
different from the rest though is the dramatic life changes Dan and I are
making. Daniel has left work and is taking all his entitlements. We are selling
up and moving house, in 2 weeks, Argh! We have a new baby and just a brand new
attitude! For whatever reason this disease keeps coming back and each time we
have the same routine, with the same jobs, in the same house! Not this time! We
are shaking up the universe! When this illness goes this time, it'll go for
What's awesome also is that they did a preliminary search on
the global registry of bone marrow donors and there are .... drum roll please
............ 300 potential donors! That is a massive number. The Dr told us to
automatically halve that for the people who can no longer donate etc, leaving
150! Dr said in some cases the preliminary search only returns 50-100 so we are
already one step ahead!
Alright, I'm alright and I know Dan will be too! I just can't
say these things or express my real fears out loud around here because I don't
think it is fair on Daniel!
Now the house! We take possession in less than 2 weeks! Shut
Up! I am too excited for worlds! If you allow me to boast for one moment ladies
.... It is 4 bedroom and a study, walk in pantry, theatre room, open plan
living, massive laundry the works! When I was a little girl people would ask
what I wanted to be when I grew up ... Instead of the usual nurse or police
woman, I said I want to be a house wife and a mum. I'd then go on to explain to
all and sundry what I want my house to be like and what type of man I wanted to
marry and what I'd name my children!
2 out of 3 are done, I married my Ken doll - an overweight
greying version - but my Ken doll none the less. I am pregnant with the cutest
baby in the world and will be naming he or she the best name I've loved forever
and NOW I am moving into my DREAM HOME! I do admit, amongst the stress and
sadness life seriously is AMAZING!!
Moving on to my GIANT BABY! So, I go for my usual check up 3
weeks ago and because of my gestational diabetes they wanted to do a full scan
of the baby to ensure all is OK. They scan away and determine at 32 weeks that
my baby is already over 6 pounds! Excuse me?! 6 pounds!
Ladies, I know this is ridiculous
and judge me if you well, hell, I judge me ... but, I do not want a big baby!
Not because of the fact I will be pushing a hippopotamus out of my tiny neat
vajayjay, but because I just want a cute little tiny baby! I want a baby in
0000 clothes, I want this dear little thing that most new borns are. I don't
want a heffa baby!
Seriously, I KNOW how messed up and deluded I sound but it's
true! Over 6 pounds aT 32 weeks! I am now 35 and have learned that in the last
5 weeks babies put on about 340 grams per weeks until birth! According to my calculations
that'll make my bubba 10 pounds at birth!
Please ladies, can one of you snap me out of this as I am
almost disappointed - again, I KNOW how f'd in the head I sound, I really do!
LOL! What is odd thou is that I am still little according to the general public
who comment on my perfect little bump, and each week when they measure my belly
I am totally on track! Hmmm odd!
Anyway, back to important things .... this scan also
discovered that bubz right kidney is enlarged and not draining fluid properly.
This sent me into a head spin. The Dr I saw that day saiD "don't worry, it
usually corrects itself after bubs is born, we won't do anything about it
now" ... Well, sorry, but I too was born with a kidney that was enlarged
and not functioning and by 12 months old I had half my kidney removed, a stent
replaced my ureta and I grew up with constant kidney infections! Hearing
"most of the time it clears up" does not put me at ease! Forgive me!
Well, needless to say I have moved on from this, it is what
it is, they won't do anything about the kidney and aren't concerned so I guess
I can't be.
In the same appointment they discovered that my cervix had
shortened and that my amniotic fluid was alarmingly low. I referred to the
emergency dept where we spent 5 hours being monitored and investigated for
possible leak / ruptured membrane! Nope, all good - they put the low levels
down to possibly my baby not urinating because of the kidney issues.
week 32 until today I was having checks twice weekly - being hooked up to CTG
and ultrasound. The fluids have stabalised at about 8 and they are happy. My
appointments have dropped back to once a week again!
So, after all this and I am now desperate to get the baby
out and am doing everything in my power to make it happen. I am eating chilli,
stimulating my nipples, orgasming to promote some uterus contractions, doing
squats, walking - the whole lot! I just want my baby out so I can see for
myself that it is OK.
After all that has happened good and bad with Dan and I, now
more than ever I just want to hold my little bambino! I want to hold it and
love it and never let it go!
Next topic is my baby shower - I have put some photos up! My
stunning sister did the most AMAZING job with it all, seriously! From the
moment I walked in I had a smile on my face, it was the most incredible day
ever! I love a party and I love attention and I love being in a room full of
people I love so it was overall the bestest day ever! Bubz got so so spoilt!
Blessed little thing!
My cake which I chose was so unreal and then the table of
food my sister made up was seriously something out of Vogue! She didn't have
games as such but did have a few activity stations. For example, take a Polaroid
of yourself, glue into a notebook and right some words of wisdom to the mother
to be. Or, baby singlets strung up and t-shirt markers for people to design
some outfits for my baby and also a bin of nappies with markers for people to
write on so Dan and I have something to read when changing nappies! It was all
This week I am pretty sick with a cold/flu. My snot was
brown this morning - awesome :-)
The Dr gave me some antibiotics so I hope to clear up in no time!
Well ladies, that's my update, I am so sorry it is crazy
long! I just blurted and blurted!
I love you all and am happy to be back on board and ready to
rock out the remaining 5 weeks!
14 Comments on All about ME! ballerinagirl
- Monday, 15 Aug Oh Lains... I am so sorry things with Daniel are so hard. I am hoping with all I have that this treatment works and that he has a looooooooooooooooooooong healthy happy life ahead of him. Your new house sounds amazing! We're hoping to move into a "dream" house or at least a dreamier house than our current one next summer. Fingers crossed! And my goodness, I hope their scan is inaccurate and that bubs isn't going to be 10lbs at birth. My DH's boys were 9'10 and 10'2, so I REALLY hope I take more after my Mom and have smaller babies. I'm with you on the selfishly wanting a tiny baby to snuggle. Silly, maybe, but I get it. I am so pleased your shower was so gorgeous! You certainly deserve a day that is all about you and baby and happiness and love. I am wishing and hoping the very best for the 3 of you. Love your blogs, you shine, even in times of crisis. Hugs! mross615
- Sunday, 14 Aug LOL girl in all the commotion in your life you make it sound like its the time of your life almost...lol I loved reading this blog. You are so funny and so real with yourself and others. I enjoy being preggo with you. Keep your head up as i see you are doing and things should all work them selves out. and im sure your VaJayJay will be back to normal in no time =) aidensmommy31108
- Friday, 12 Aug this was the best blog i think i've ever read lol you're hilarious...so glad you're getting a new home and that your shower was amazing you deserve it! Dan will be ok just have to keep strong for each other and your little one you guys seem very much in love and are strong people he's survived before he'll do it again much love and hugs and labor dust!! luckyrose
- Thursday, 11 Aug your blog was like therapy to me. job well done just letting it all out! thinking of you :-) baby shower cake was amazing!!! luckyrose
- Thursday, 11 Aug your blog was like therapy to me. job well done just letting it all out! thinking of you :-) baby shower cake was amazing!!! PokeysMum
- Wednesday, 10 Aug Yip, you seriously pissed karma off, however I think it must have been a while ago since the things you have confessed to couldn't possibly be the sole cause. Maybe you were Hitler????Sorry, not funny but couldn't resist. OH THE DRAMA, after all this Dan obviously is going to make a miraculous recovery and never get anything worse than a cold and live until he's 103. And your baby will be an angel. Sleep through the ngiht from 10 weeks, reach every milestone right on target and be happy all the time! PokeysMum
- Wednesday, 10 Aug Yip, you seriously pissed karma off, however I think it must have been a while ago since the things you have confessed to couldn't possibly be the sole cause. Maybe you were Hitler????Sorry, not funny but couldn't resist. OH THE DRAMA, after all this Dan obviously is going to make a miraculous recovery and never get anything worse than a cold and live until he's 103. And your baby will be an angel. Sleep through the ngiht from 10 weeks, reach every milestone right on target and be happy all the time! TaylorsBunNo2
- Tuesday, 9 Aug OMG i find you so inspiring to just keep going amnd to stay strong, my thoughts are with you and dan and hopefully this is the last time u both have to go through all this, 5 weeks left untill your bubba is here that will go mega quick spec if u are moving etc, i love reading your books, habe a lovely 5 weeks hunni xx crazyfornumber3
- Tuesday, 9 Aug Sounds like you have a lot going on..things are going to be ok..xx caraj
- Tuesday, 9 Aug aww hunni you have every right to have a rant. wow your house sounds awsome and it deffinately sounds like the change you guys need for that extra boost to beat daniel's illness. your a very strong woman =) dont worry bout how big baby is austin was 9lbs 3.5oz and (how i dont know) still managed to fit into 0000 bonds suits lol. toomanyyrs
- Tuesday, 9 Aug WOW you really do have your hands full and seem to be able to take it all in. You are very strong hun and we all need our moments for us and a break down. Sounds like your sister gave you the day you so needed and deserved. Keep us posted. mommymaggie
- Tuesday, 9 Aug I like you so much after this blog. It is so honest and so beautifully human. You are a strong woman for handling all this the way you are. Some would be held up in bed, but you are just living. All you can do. I'm quite jealous of you, but not for your huge house, compact bump, or perfect sounding baby shower..I'm jealous of your strength. You guys will be fine. I am a lymphoma surivivor and I know the toll that disease can take on someone though. I also am far from religious. But for me the cure was positivity and humor, and of course Chemo! But just laugh everyday you can..and if you can't get those movies that never fail out. Make that your job whether he lives for 2 more weeks or 50 more years. You guys are in control of this outcome, even if it Cancer takes over and seems like it is in control. You two choose how you live your lives..no matter their length. You sound like you are doing awesome. But you're human and no one expects you to always be strong. Talking about your fears with people you love, won't make them happen. It will make you as honest and human as you are. lola26
- Tuesday, 9 Aug Well I am glad to see u are still being positive. Its so good for u all so I hope u stay that way. I also hope that ur Hubby gets a donor off that great big list u got :) Now on ur baby's weight...my firend was told she was having a 10lb baby and hers was 7lbs6ozs. And the same wit my bro...my Mam was told he was gonna be 10lbs and he was 6lbs6ozs. They can never tell...and either way ur lil Bubz will be so cute. Good luck with the move into ur dream house...sounds amazing x sunflower-j
- Tuesday, 9 Aug Wow hunni. I hope Daniel has a good doner and insure he will get through it all. You have every right to have a vent and I would too if I were in your situation. I'm so jealous of your new dream home. Can't wait to have a new house all of my own. And don't stress bout bubs being big. Most of the tine scans can be out in the weight department. And bub will probably still get into the cute little 0000. My love, heart and thoughts are with you. Remember negative out positive energy in xoxoxo