09-8-2011 - All about ME!

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

All about me! Seriously, me!

Hi Ya chickens,

How are all my yummy mummies out there? Hope you are all well! Thank you all for periodically checking in on me, I really do appreciate your kind thoughts.

So, here it is, my blog update! I am just going to blurt most of it out as it comes, in no particular order. I hope it makes sense and please no judgement, I am going to say things I've not told anyone, but in this forum, with you beautiful ladies, I feel it's OK to say!

The reality of losing Daniel has hit me, I knew it wouldn't be long. I am always upbeat and positive but I just sat back the other day and thought fuck, if this bone marrow transplant doesn't work then I will be a single mum raising our little bubba on my own. OK, so I understand that medical advancement has come so far and continues to improve. I mean the treatment Dan is on at the moment is only 2 years old, it's a brand new discovery. And, yes, I know that statistical data is very old (usually about 7 years behind) and encompasses a whole range of differing circumstances, but still, from what I have read and what I know from the previous 2 times he has had this, this treatment is like our last hope!

I just look at my man every day and think WTF. What have we done to deserve this 3 times?! I do not believe in god and it is for this reason! Why punish me, my amazing husband and our unborn child? In fact ladies (I am sorry) but if god truly exists then I want to meet him in a bar so I can throw a drink in his face and shout to him FUCK YOU!

I know, I know, we are never given anything in this universe that we are not equipped to handle but C'mon, I think we have paid our Karma debt 3 fold now, it's time to leave us alone .... If only I knew what a bitch Karma really was when I stole that $50 out of my dad's wallet when I was 17! I swear, I'd never have kissed my friends boyfriend in year 10 if I knew this was going to be the karmic retribution life served me!

Ahhh ok, that rant is over! What makes this time so different from the rest though is the dramatic life changes Dan and I are making. Daniel has left work and is taking all his entitlements. We are selling up and moving house, in 2 weeks, Argh! We have a new baby and just a brand new attitude! For whatever reason this disease keeps coming back and each time we have the same routine, with the same jobs, in the same house! Not this time! We are shaking up the universe! When this illness goes this time, it'll go for good!

What's awesome also is that they did a preliminary search on the global registry of bone marrow donors and there are .... drum roll please ............ 300 potential donors! That is a massive number. The Dr told us to automatically halve that for the people who can no longer donate etc, leaving 150! Dr said in some cases the preliminary search only returns 50-100 so we are already one step ahead!

Alright, I'm alright and I know Dan will be too! I just can't say these things or express my real fears out loud around here because I don't think it is fair on Daniel!

Now the house! We take possession in less than 2 weeks! Shut Up! I am too excited for worlds! If you allow me to boast for one moment ladies .... It is 4 bedroom and a study, walk in pantry, theatre room, open plan living, massive laundry the works! When I was a little girl people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up ... Instead of the usual nurse or police woman, I said I want to be a house wife and a mum. I'd then go on to explain to all and sundry what I want my house to be like and what type of man I wanted to marry and what I'd name my children!

2 out of 3 are done, I married my Ken doll - an overweight greying version - but my Ken doll none the less. I am pregnant with the cutest baby in the world and will be naming he or she the best name I've loved forever and NOW I am moving into my DREAM HOME! I do admit, amongst the stress and sadness life seriously is AMAZING!!

Moving on to my GIANT BABY! So, I go for my usual check up 3 weeks ago and because of my gestational diabetes they wanted to do a full scan of the baby to ensure all is OK. They scan away and determine at 32 weeks that my baby is already over 6 pounds! Excuse me?! 6 pounds!

Ladies, I know this is ridiculous and judge me if you well, hell, I judge me ... but, I do not want a big baby! Not because of the fact I will be pushing a hippopotamus out of my tiny neat vajayjay, but because I just want a cute little tiny baby! I want a baby in 0000 clothes, I want this dear little thing that most new borns are. I don't want a heffa baby!

Seriously, I KNOW how messed up and deluded I sound but it's true! Over 6 pounds aT 32 weeks! I am now 35 and have learned that in the last 5 weeks babies put on about 340 grams per weeks until birth! According to my calculations that'll make my bubba 10 pounds at birth!

Please ladies, can one of you snap me out of this as I am almost disappointed - again, I KNOW how f'd in the head I sound, I really do! LOL! What is odd thou is that I am still little according to the general public who comment on my perfect little bump, and each week when they measure my belly I am totally on track! Hmmm odd!

Anyway, back to important things .... this scan also discovered that bubz right kidney is enlarged and not draining fluid properly. This sent me into a head spin. The Dr I saw that day saiD "don't worry, it usually corrects itself after bubs is born, we won't do anything about it now" ... Well, sorry, but I too was born with a kidney that was enlarged and not functioning and by 12 months old I had half my kidney removed, a stent replaced my ureta and I grew up with constant kidney infections! Hearing "most of the time it clears up" does not put me at ease! Forgive me!

Well, needless to say I have moved on from this, it is what it is, they won't do anything about the kidney and aren't concerned so I guess I can't be.

In the same appointment they discovered that my cervix had shortened and that my amniotic fluid was alarmingly low. I referred to the emergency dept where we spent 5 hours being monitored and investigated for possible leak / ruptured membrane! Nope, all good - they put the low levels down to possibly my baby not urinating because of the kidney issues.

So from week 32 until today I was having checks twice weekly - being hooked up to CTG and ultrasound. The fluids have stabalised at about 8 and they are happy. My appointments have dropped back to once a week again!

So, after all this and I am now desperate to get the baby out and am doing everything in my power to make it happen. I am eating chilli, stimulating my nipples, orgasming to promote some uterus contractions, doing squats, walking - the whole lot! I just want my baby out so I can see for myself that it is OK.

After all that has happened good and bad with Dan and I, now more than ever I just want to hold my little bambino! I want to hold it and love it and never let it go!

Next topic is my baby shower - I have put some photos up! My stunning sister did the most AMAZING job with it all, seriously! From the moment I walked in I had a smile on my face, it was the most incredible day ever! I love a party and I love attention and I love being in a room full of people I love so it was overall the bestest day ever! Bubz got so so spoilt! Blessed little thing!

My cake which I chose was so unreal and then the table of food my sister made up was seriously something out of Vogue! She didn't have games as such but did have a few activity stations. For example, take a Polaroid of yourself, glue into a notebook and right some words of wisdom to the mother to be. Or, baby singlets strung up and t-shirt markers for people to design some outfits for my baby and also a bin of nappies with markers for people to write on so Dan and I have something to read when changing nappies! It was all so special!

This week I am pretty sick with a cold/flu. My snot was brown this morning - awesome :-) The Dr gave me some antibiotics so I hope to clear up in no time!

Well ladies, that's my update, I am so sorry it is crazy long! I just blurted and blurted!

I love you all and am happy to be back on board and ready to rock out the remaining 5 weeks!

Xoxox