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larkspur69
Age: 41
Country: CA
Province/region: Ontario
City: GTA
Partner: 41
Children: Yes, 2
Pregnant: Not anymore
Occupation: Registered Massage Therapist
Online: More than 3 months ago
Last updated: 275 days ago.
Member since: 1385 days
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23-2-2009 - Need a Laugh??? Not my usual post...but I couldn't help it.... still dabbing tears from my eyes!!!My mood while writing this blog:
still dabbing tears from my eyes!!!



Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest... The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.


What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL!


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.


Nothing! I was disappointed.


I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.


I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.


But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.


Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.


The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.


All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.


I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . . WHAT THE HELL!!!


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.


I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?


The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.


Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.


My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.


My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.


Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.


I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.



5 Comments on Need a Laugh??? Not my usual post...but I couldn't help it....


proud.mummy.of.3xxx - Tuesday, 24 Feb
OMG I needed that I cant stop laughing I nearly wet myself well I say nearly lol, I have tears rolling down my face was feeling pretty sh*t 2day and that has just purked me up thanx hun xxx

gabbygabs20 - Tuesday, 24 Feb
OMG that was so funny. I was sat here in tears reading this. I so needed that. Thank You xoxox

mita - Monday, 23 Feb
i cant stop laughing....thanks...i really needed this.

debdaz85 - Monday, 23 Feb
ahahhaaa thanks i needed a good laugh today!

number5forme - Monday, 23 Feb
Oh my that is THE funniest thing that I have EVER read!!!!!! My husband and I are in absolute fits, neither of us cantsee a thing from the tears!!!! Funny, funny funny!!!!!
Thankyou!
Photos
7yrs and going strong! (2008, 05, 04) My lovely cowgirl! (2009, 06, 26) My baby brings so much colour to my life! (2009, 05, 25) 35 wks (2011, 04, 01) 3D/4D ultrasound of Juliette (2011, 03, 31) 3D/4D ultrasound - grouchy face (2011, 03, 31) 3D/4D ultrasound - playing with her foot (2011, 03, 31) 3D/4D ultrasound - playing with her foot (2011, 03, 31) Toblerone (2008, 08, 06) My husband `cartoonized` me.   (2009, 02, 01) almost 37 wks (-2days) (2009, 03, 01) Baby Mac...  That`s a foot floating above the body....and it looks a lot like a button nose hey? (2008, 09, 25) 18 week + 2day - Our Baby Girl (2008, 10, 24) 12wks - 24wks (2008, 12, 10) 26wks - 37wks.... This baby is moving into the basement apartment!!!! (2009, 03, 01) Ummmmm where`d my inny go?  It`s not an outy....but most assuredly NOT an inny anymore! (2009, 01, 07)  (2008, 07, 20)

Children
Miranda (2009) Juliette (2011)

Latest blogs
31-3-2011 - 3D/4D ultrasound pics added -33wks
17-3-2011 - 32 week pic
02-2-2011 - 5 Myths about Breastfeeding you probably thought were true!!
02-2-2011 - Homemade PLAYDOH
28-10-2010 - belly comparison baby 1 vs. baby 2
28-10-2010 - belly pic 12wks +2days
29-9-2009 - Miranda says Hello!
25-5-2009 - Photoshop your baby!
23-4-2009 - Find me on Facebook!
10-4-2009 - Charting breastfeeding and stuff
06-4-2009 - Angel in his arms
04-4-2009 - How to get baby farts OUT!
28-3-2009 - Moles BE GONE!
26-3-2009 - Grateful Thank You's!
25-3-2009 - My unedited Birth Story - caution, kinda scary.
20-3-2009 - SHE's HERE!!
18-3-2009 - 4pm induction today
18-3-2009 - 24 hrs ago my water broke
17-3-2009 - Contractions Timer online!
17-3-2009 - OMG! I think my water just broke!!!!!!
16-3-2009 - Baby Astrology
16-3-2009 - Life's Birth Stories...oops I didn't mean to watch!!!
16-3-2009 - Stretch & Sweep
15-3-2009 - Holy MOLEy!!
01-3-2009 - progression pic
23-2-2009 - Need a Laugh??? Not my usual post...but I couldn't help it....
16-2-2009 - The coolest wall decoration!!
13-2-2009 - MD vs. Midwife -round 1
31-1-2009 - Cartoon ME!
25-1-2009 - 32 weeks on Wednesday
20-1-2009 - TENS for CTS
11-1-2009 - The weirdest thing, my ankles are BACK!
08-1-2009 - Have I Dropped?
03-1-2009 - Could Paraffin help me get some SLEEP!!!
26-12-2008 - Sleeping in a Recliner!
21-12-2008 - WOW - you can play with the baby already!
17-12-2008 - More hopeful CTS stuff
12-12-2008 - extreme CTS update
11-12-2008 - Severe Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
27-11-2008 - I think we have a NAME!
23-10-2008 - It's a GIRL!!!
20-10-2008 - Meeting a MIDWIFE!
29-9-2008 - Nervous Anticipation! Do we or don't we want to know?
24-9-2008 - latest U/S
15-9-2008 - Maternity leave for SELF EMPLOYED in ONTARIO??
14-9-2008 - Eeek, where is all the weight coming from! 12wks+4days
31-8-2008 - Doppler is sooooo neat!!
29-8-2008 - Fetal Doppler
29-8-2008 - Relieved with 3rd U/S
15-8-2008 - Madame Zaritska
14-8-2008 - Privacy and your Ultrasound Pics!!! Delete your private info
14-8-2008 - Pregnancy update Aug-14th
11-8-2008 - Bloat & early pregnancy wt. gain
07-8-2008 - Renewed Faith
07-8-2008 - Phew - August 7th -7wks+2days
02-8-2008 - Drugless Constipation Solution
19-7-2008 - Dollarama HPT - ProCare
02-6-2008 - Time heals everything
17-5-2008 - MC -Why don't Doctors tell you?
17-5-2008 - Sadly I'm no longer pregnant
16-5-2008 - Vanishing Twin Syndrome? *fingers crossed*
09-5-2008 - Enjoying a day off

Polls
  1. If your first birth was a week early, will the second likely be early too?...
    Date: 27-10-2010 Votes: 23 Comments: 4

  2. I`m 18 wks! We find out the sex today, what do you think?...
    Date: 23-10-2008 Votes: 79 Comments: 4

  3. Girl Baby names. What do you think?...
    Date: 20-10-2008 Votes: 82 Comments: 6


Agenda
November 2008
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9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
30 
December 2008
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78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031