09-5-2008 - Tomorrow is my EDD

My mood while writing this blog: pretty damned unhappy

This won't be pretty...

I feel like crap and I am so depressed. I was so sure that I was going to have this baby early (Emily was born at 38w 5d) and now I'm looking at my due date tomorrow. I'm 39w 6 d. Last night I was up almost the entire night feeling like total crap, having irregular contractions (I think...I can't even time or measure them, they are just not like any contrax you read about anywhere). With my daughter I didn't know I was in labor until I was almost 10 cm. Everyone says that is so lucky and yeah...it is...but it's scary too. Some people just don't feel contractions. so when this happens I just sit there feeling crappy, scared, and not knowing. My childcare (MIL) plan is almost 3 hours away...so it's not like I can just pop in to L&D to be checked, you know? So I was up almost all night, I couldn't sleep, and I was peeing like every fifteen minutes, literally. Then I got up for the day at 5:30 AM.

So this AM I had my regular nst and h/b is great, thank god, and the machine is showing contrax but not regular (and I'm really not even feeling anything of course). The doc didn't want to see me as I was just seen/checked Tuesday and I didn't push it, because psychologically it's been much worse knowing than not knowing where I am at. I was still 80%/3CM/-0- station on Tuesday and I am sure I'm still there...

I know if I go to 4cm, or, if I complain enough I can go to the hospital and they'll be more than happy to stick an IV in and give me a drip...I don't want pitocin and I know in my heart I don't need it. I just need to wait. But I am so uncomfortable, depressed, and tired, and I've got an almost four year old who has no school today and just wants me to play with her and all I want to do is lay down...and a husband who's asking me if I can sweep the floors today. He just doesn't get it.

Then there's this fear...what if I just go over my due date...every day is agony, but I know it could be a week over or even more...what if I end up induced anyway? uggggh!!!!!!!! I easily pushed out a 6 lb, 1 oz baby...how much is this baby gaining???? I've gained a pound and a half for no reason in the last week...I know it's the baby, not my food.

I know I'm lucky to have a healthy, full-term baby but I can't take it anymore, I just can't stand living this way, I want to move on with my life. I am so physically uncomfortable and I just can't take this anxiety.